I'm not sure we can carry on

[sailorcherries]

As the title suggests I'm not really sure whether my relationship with my other half can survive much longer.

OH and I have been together 2.5 years, own a home together and have a 5 month old son. I also have DS1 who is 7.

Until the birth of DS2 I tended to do most of the parenting of DS1 as OH was still finding his feet and didn't want to overstep the mark. Since DS2 has been born OH has had to take a more active role in parenting DS1, which has brought a side to him I never witnessed before.

DS1 can be a handful, and I have an appointment to speak to the gp about poasible HFA/Aspergers. OH cannot stand this and can lose his temper quite easily, shouting ane getting annoyed. He then tells me he is "sick of this" and "had enough of him (DS1)". I know he means the behaviour as when they aren't clashing heads they do get on very well. These arguments then cause us to argue and resentment is building. Our relationship is not the same, nor will it be.

However the good times seem to becoming fewer and far between with more arguments. If DS2 didn't exist then I'd probably leave as I don't want DS1 being miserable and OH should be in a situation that doesn't make him annoyed. DS2 does exist though and if I talk about leaving OH for DS1, I'm putting him before DS2 but if I stay for DS2 then he's coming before DS1.

I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place - ending a relationship and having my children brought up in a very confusing situation or staying and facing the possibility that things don't get better butnit becomes too late/hard to leave.

You son is seven and you are only just addressing his challenging behaviour?
Your partner has been on the side lines and has little or no experience of dealing with your son. Now having dumped him in the deep end you expect your DP to behave perfectly. You sound very defensive and instead of supporting your DP and finding a way of dealing with this together your arguing with him and thinking of leaving.
It seems to me your putting DS1 before everybody.

I have another thread on my son's behaviour, which has progressively become worse.
Not dumped at the deep end, asked to do bed time (read a story and sit until he falls asleep) and put him in the shower. I do everything else.

I don't expect him to behave perfectly but nor do I expect and adult to tell a child that they are fucking sick of them and then rant at me about it. I'd never speak to my children like that.

It's becoming apparent that OH and I have different parenting styles that we will clash over completely or that OH and DS might not be able to bond, causing rifts throughout life.

This wasn't apparent when I just got on with everything without help or support.

I'd put both my children first and being with someone who says that they wish they never had kids, were sick of my son and telling my son they were sick of them is not doing that. It makes me question whether he wishes DS1 weren't here or whether he just doesn't want to be a parent to either of the boys.

Those are real issues cropping up more frequently and not something I can just let slide.

Parenting class for him?

I hardly think she's 'dumped him in the deep end' when he's had the opportunity to do more hands-on parenting ever since he became a dad in the first place, but has only stepped up once OP was occupied with DC2. Frankly that sounds lazy. Plus he sounds bad tempered, even allowing for a child being 'challenging'. Are you thinking it would just be easier to deal with it all yourself OP? I can see why.

It seems to me your putting DS1 before everybody.

And why not? However, it does sound like your DS is a bit high maintenance. Why do you sit with him until he falls asleep? I don't think it is normal to do this with a 7 year old.

I'm not sure it would be easier but fairer on everyone.
He was thrown in the deep end in the sense that he had no child in his life to having a 4.5 year old, however that child is now 7 and he has only started trying in the last few months.

His attitude makes me wonder whether he really wants children at all, if it isn't what he expected and now regrets it.

He is a lovely guy though, and we do have good times as a couple and family, but parenting is such a big issue it's hard to know whether it's something we can overcome.

Tonight tipped me though. I've been feeling the stress of it all and after listening to them argue over DS wanting to get a teddy before sleeping and OH not wanting him out of bed, to the point where there was shouting, I'm really unsure of how we proceed.

We're going to the gp to start the process for an ASD diagnosis.

DS1 has had sleep issues since he has been born, and has constantly needed someone nearby. He gets so anxious that he cries until he is sick otherwise. We've tried every technique in the book and attended a sleep clinic with no success. Apparently that can be a symptom. Now we read and then sit for 15 minutes until he sleeps.
He is also upbat least two times a night due to anxiety and him believing that we have left him.

I used to deal with that myself 24/7 but at 8 months pregnant and following a c-section it became unmanageable. Now we share the task.

My DS has Asperger's - diagnosed at 7 and now 15 years old. Sleep issues were, and are still, very much a part of it.

You say that if it weren't for DS2 you would likely leave. I think that really is your answer there. You need to leave for the sake of both children. His behaviour has a direct impact on your older DS, and indirectly on your younger boy if he grows up witnessing it.

I would leave if it weren't for DS2 but I'm not too sure if I'd leave for the right reasons iykwim?

Am I leaving pre-emptively, as I possibly would do before DS2. However with DS2 being here it's making me think more and more about the consequences of leaving, the long term view and so on.

I feel like he isn't happy (OH) and things don't feel quite right between us anymore but whether it is salvageable, whether we can talk about and work on his parenting, is the ubknown. I don't want to break up our family over something that could be fixed but I don't want to stay in something unfixable.

The National Autistic Society (NAS) used to run a class for parents called Help! which included tips for parenting children with Asperger's. I was able to attend while my DS was on waiting list for assessment. So maybe that would be a help. Another option, which I very much recommend, is to speak to your Health Visitor about parenting classes locally.

For the sake of your DS1 you need to get this sorted out as a matter of urgency. Meantime, can you speak to your OH about this? Can he see that his behaviour is a problem and needs to change?

So what happens if your baby ends up with additional needs? If he going to treat him like this too? Sure it's hard, I have twins, one with a complex health issue and I have some debilitating health issues myself. Sometimes I lose my shit but it does seem like he's saying he doesn't want to deal with this.

Have you actually spoken to him about how bad things are from your POV? He sounds horribly selfish - it's not like it's easy for you!

I've tried to speak to him but I'm not sure how to bring it up without sounding slighty accusatory or like I'm having a go.

Thank you for the recommendations seeing. I'll look out for them in the hopes it'll help.

Gosh OP, you are in a difficult position but you are also very aware of the issues and you've obviously given this a lot of thought. Personally, the fact that your DS1 is being verbally abused and mistreated would be the crunch point for me. Your DH just shouldn't be saying those things to him at all. It's awful.

I think you're going to have to be brutally honest with your DP and ask him to be honest with you about whether or not he can live with your DS1 in a way that is acceptable to you and DS1.

I don't even think OH views it as mistreatment or verbal abuse as, in his mind, he isn't saying anything derogatory.

There are times when I've said to DS1 that I've "had enough of his behaviour", more so before wenwere advise to seek an ASD diagnosis and I thought he was misbehaving for no reason. However, saying someone's behaviour is x is different to saying someone is x, if that makes sense? So a child can have bad behaviour at a certain point but that doesn't make them a bad child.

OH can speak without thinking and sometimes it can be misinterpreted, for example "oh you look really slim in that", not implying I'm fat or look fat in other things, but he thought it was a nice compliment.

I'm not sure if he thinks "had enough of your behaviour" and "sick of this" are of the same standing.

I'll definitely need to speak to him though. I could afford to move in to a smaller home, pay the bills and have money to spend and save. I know it and he knows it. I've been a single parent and copee just fine. The indecisiveness isn't to do with fear but not wanting to throw away something that is 85% excellent for the 15% that isn't.