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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

A year on from NC with MIL

43 replies

RustyPaperclips · 23/10/2017 21:59

I posted about a year ago (but probably under a different username) about my MIL treating myself and her son so badly, which culminated in abusive messages from her and my BIL. My DH made the decision that he wanted to go NC I struggled because I hated seeing my DH suffering so much and tried to reach out to my MIL but only received hateful messages back. I received really good and supportive advice on here but now I’m really at the end of my tether

DH received the occasional card on birthdays and at Christmas, even our anniversary as if nothing had happened but refusing to acknowledge my existence. Now she has started leaving voicemails on his phone. He doesn’t want any contact with her due to emotional and very occasional physical abuse when he was growing up, along with the way she and her other son have treated us. I contacted her stating that we did not want any further communication from her. I have had multiple messages back from her stating that I have ruined her relationship with her sonThen the guilt trip about how we will be sorry when she is dead and I am to blame for ruining everything.

She says that the only way she will leave us alone is if DH phones or meets with her to say he doesn’t want contact. The text message he sent doesn’t count apparently because I clearly must have stolen his phone and sent it behind his back.

DH and I want nothing more to do with her but how can we convince her to leave us alone if he won’t tell her? I am doing my best to support him but the constant character assassination is wearing me down and leaving me incredibly depressed. I am at my wit’s end and dread her turning up on our doorstep. I am yet again feeling like a scapegoat and the worst person in the world when all I want is to live in peace with DH

OP posts:
snackarella · 23/10/2017 22:01

Maybe DH should call her and tell her and then hang up!

Flisspaps · 23/10/2017 22:02

No.

He’s not to contact her at all, otherwise she learns how much to push to force contact.

Santawontbelong · 23/10/2017 22:03

Pop a letter to her from dh. She will know his hand writing. .

Original poster
RustyPaperclips · 23/10/2017 22:03

That’s the problem. He doesn’t want to contact her as he knows that it will encourage her to push for more. And deep down I do understand, I’m just fed up with being the focus of abuse

OP posts:
happypoobum · 23/10/2017 22:06

Well to be fair you aren't NC at all are you? You contacted her and now you are paying the price.

NC means NC. Anything sent is binned and forgotten. You never contact her.

She should be blocked from your phones and emails. If you don't know how to do this find someone who knows or check it out online.

Changerofname987654321 · 23/10/2017 22:06

Block her phone number.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 23/10/2017 22:07

You are not NC. If you were NC you would be unaware of the content of any messages because you wouldn't read them or listen to them.

Your DH is successfully NC. Follow his lead. He knows that if he contacts her again to say don't contact me then she has got her way. It wouldn't stop her contacting you, it would increase the contact.

Stop reading messages, stop listening to voicemails. If she turns up on the doorstep shut the door on her, tell DH and let him decide if he wants to open the door.

Original poster
RustyPaperclips · 23/10/2017 22:07

He refuses to have any contact with her, even a letter, as he believes that it will just encourage her to keep pushing us. He wants me to block her number but I want to have a record of everything she says even if it upsets me

OP posts:
WhatchaMaCalllit · 23/10/2017 22:09

Get your DH a new phone and a new number. Leave the one she phones him on turned off and in a drawer. He could update his voicemail greeting to say "Hi this is RustyDH, Please leave a message after the beep. If this is my mother or brother calling, please don't contact me again and don't bother to leave a message."
That way she'll get to hear his voice but he doesn't have to deal with her any longer. And he never has to check to see the phone calls that have come in to that phone if he uses a new phone/number.

tribpot · 23/10/2017 22:09

Your post doesn't really explain why your DH won't tell her, but I'm assuming it's because he expects an almighty row, with giant helpings of emotional blackmail on top. It seems like he could write a letter, in his own handwriting so it clearly isn't you, post it and then be done. I realise she has demanded voice or a meet-up specifically because the communication can't be one way (although there used to be a way to send someone a voicemail, you could also email a voice file and then immediately block the email address). I suspect that whatever he did would not be enough - the whole thing is a trap for him to fall into and actually doing nothing is probably the most sensible thing.

In the meantime, I would block her number (and indeed all unknown numbers) so she can't leave voicemails. I use Extreme Call Blocker on my ds' phone (a very persistent child at primary school who would leave anguished voicemails if ds didn't pick up, which he never does as he never looks at his phone) and I can recommend it.

He needs to keep closing down the avenues of communication - and I think it does need to be him doing it, not you setting up call block on his phone, for example. It needs to come from him because he has to own the decision, and so you can state clearly it wasn't you doing it.

happypoobum · 23/10/2017 22:10

He wants me to block her number but I want to have a record of everything she says even if it upsets me

Can I suggest you support your husband in his attempts to avoid his abusive parents rather than just following your own random agenda? Why do you want a record of shit she sends? What purpose does it serve? It sounds like part of you enjoys this or sees it as a competition or game.

For your poor DH it's deadly serious and you are letting him down. He is absolutely right that you should block her. I feel really sorry for him.

Original poster
RustyPaperclips · 23/10/2017 22:11

I know you are all right. I struggle with it so much but I am now blocking her. I got so annoyed with the passive aggressive cards over the last year which caused us so much pain and we couldn’t stop them from turning up on our doormat. It felt like just as we were moving on she would intrude again on our home.

Thank you all for showing my some sense. I will try and be the better person and refuse to engage

OP posts:
WhatchaMaCalllit · 23/10/2017 22:11

Why do you want to have a record of what she says, even if it is hurtful? What purpose is that going to achieve?

Your DH is doing fine by blocking his mother/brother combo. Follow his lead. Sever all ties to this toxic part of the family. Do it now for his and your mental health.

RandomMess · 23/10/2017 22:11

Seriously just block her, you have been fuelling her abuse by responding to her contact.

tribpot · 23/10/2017 22:14

I'm confused about whose phone she's been dialling - I thought it was DH's? Why hasn't he blocked her?

Original poster
RustyPaperclips · 23/10/2017 22:15

Happypoohbum that could not be further from the truth and I find your post incredibly hurtful. I have supported him every step of the way and would do anything for him. I have no agenda apart from wanting to protect our relationship. I posted for help and advice which I have taken on board, not because I get some perverse thrill out of the situation

OP posts:
Original poster
RustyPaperclips · 23/10/2017 22:17

She has been dialing both our phones and even though we both blocked her she has been able to leave voicemails.

I unblocked her to politely request her to leave us alone. I now see that I was wrong to do so

OP posts:
RandomMess · 23/10/2017 22:19

The flying monkeys will come next! Messages from extended family etc! Get yourself prepared with a simple statement to feed all of them eg.

DH wants nothing more to do with her and I support his decision.

Flowers
user1471449805 · 23/10/2017 22:22

Keep a log.
One final letter telling her you don't want to be contacted again.
Police involvement for harassment.

tribpot · 23/10/2017 22:23

If you've been blocking her using the built-in tools on your phone this might not prevent her from leaving voicemails, although I think it should do. However, invest in an app that will give you the option of 'no ring, no voicemail' and that should do the trick (as I say, also block all unknown numbers or she'll just use other mobiles to get around this).

Original poster
RustyPaperclips · 23/10/2017 22:28

That’s why I didn’t block her again. I wanted a log of everything she said after a year ago when she got her son involved who threatened violence against my family.

I realise that was the wrong course of action and have followed advice and blocked her

The accusation that I get a thrill out of this and am letting my DH down has hurt me so much that I regret asking for advice

OP posts:
Original poster
RustyPaperclips · 23/10/2017 22:30

Thank you Tribpot I will investigate apps. I thought blocking her would prevent all contact but it just seems to send her calls straight to voicemail

OP posts:
PickAChew · 23/10/2017 22:32

I want to have a record of everything she says even if it upsets me

If you block her then she'll merely be saying this crap to herself.

Original poster
RustyPaperclips · 23/10/2017 22:38

Good point PickAChew. I will try to move on and support my husband the best I can

OP posts:
Breadwithgarlicon · 23/10/2017 22:56

OP, you might be able to get onto your phone providers and block them from calling that way, so you don't get any more messages. I would also get a friend to open any post, so you don't have to see it. (Friend can tell you if it's anything important which you need to know about.)

I can empathise with your situation. I know it's not easy. Flowers

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