Don't know if I want children

[Spacebound]

Hi, my husband and I have been together 15 years, married for 3. We have spoke about starting a family but are both not sure if we want children. I am 31 he is 33.

We discussed it recently and he said we should wait until my sister gets married in March 2018 and then look towards making a decision. I just don't think I will be ready by that point to make that sort of decision.

He is worried about being an older dad and has said he wouldn't like to be any older than 35 by the time he has his first if we decide we want them, but I would like to wait until I am about 35 before I make that decision which would make him 37. I have always kind of liked the idea of having children with him but I don't know whether it is something I actually want in reality. We have a good life and love going on holiday and nights out etc. One of my main worries is that he would resent me and the child if we ever had one.

Is it normal to feel like this?

Yes it's fine. I think lots of people feel like that. I was never compelled either way to be honest. I fell pregnant at 37. Struggled with the decision for a couple of weeks then decided to have my kid (knowing I would be a single mum) and there isn't a day I regret it.

Sometimes it's easier for the decision to be taken out of your hands when there isn't a compelling reason one way or another if you see what I mean.

It is normal to have doubts about it. It's a huge decision and commitment after all. I think your husband has some wisdom in terms of not waiting though. In your mid 30's your fertility will have significantly declined. If you're going to do it, do it soon.

yourfertility.org.au/for-women/age/

I wish I had had mine younger. It would have saved a lot of unpleasant medical treatment and heartache.

I wasn't sure if I wanted children, but I now have a toddler. Had I known then what I know now, I'd have made different choices and remained child free.

Perfectly normal. I didn’t realise I wanted children until I was about 34-35.
The only advice I would offer though is you seem to actually want a family it’s more a case of when that’s the issue.
I’d have loved two (this can happen once you have one and realise children- your own- are amazing) but I have secondary infertility which may or may not have been related to my age.

I probably naively didn't realise how much worry comes with children. I love mine though two have Sen so our experiences have been different. But there's so much worry that comes with them and it's relentless. Plus the lack of freedom. Some days I'd like to just leave the house without worrying about other people. They have brought a lot of joy to my life but don't underestimate what you lose when having children.

I think it's normal to not feel ready or to not know if you will ever feel ready. I didn't have my first until I was 32 and I'm pregnant with my second now at 37. I think you know when you know. If you aren't sure, it probably isn't the right time (and it's true it may never be). But you need to be 100% sure that it is the right decision for you and you're ready for that chapter in life. If you're questioning it, give it time and come back to it when you're ready. In terms of his age, there really is no difference between 35 and 37, so waiting an extra couple years isn't going to really matter in the grand scheme of things. But it might make it a lot easier on you and your marriage if you wait until a time when you know you're truly ready and on the same page. But I do think you need to have a realistic conversation with him about the fact that you aren't sure if you'll ever be (probably this is something you hopefully did discuss before you got married). If you truly think it's possible that you may never want children and that would be a deal breaker for him, I think you need to be realistic that telling him that sooner rather than later is the best thing to do. If you really know that now, then I would tell him that now rather than in 3 years time.

That said, I was never someone who was broody or cooed over babies or dreamed of my future children. I always knew I definitely wanted to have children, but it wasn't an overwhelming urge. I am absolutely glad we waited until we did and for me, mid 30s has been the perfect time. We got to do lots of fun, selfish things together before. But life does change when you become parents and it is a big change. Yet my daughter is the best thing in my life and I would be lost without her now. I've still gotten to do awesome things, travel (though less so now), have a successful career I love, but she is still the best thing about all of that, even when she annoys me, which she does.

He wants you to have your first child when you're around 32 (it would be about 33 if you don't get pregnant quickly remember) whereas you want to wait until 35... so given that it's a joint decision, you should meet in the middle and aim to have a child when you're about 34. Which means trying in a year or two.

That's if you want one. You don't seem too fussed.

I think very few people are 100% on the baby issue OP, either way. There is huge pressure to have children - it's still very much seen as the 'normal' thing to do. Many people go for it without really appreciating how life changes. Some live to regret it.

Parenthood is not for everyone, nor should it be. DP and I have had our intensely broody periods,but decided not to go for it. It was a loss and it took a lot of grieving, but it was absolutely the right decision for us. Life without children can be wonderful.

I agree with others that you should decide well before 35 if you can.

I think maybe you ought to wait and see. You aren't very old and it's hard to make a clinical decision like that. I am of the belief that you've got to feel the call to have children. I never have, and I'm mid 30s now. I've divorced over this issue too. XH couldn't let it drop and got someone else pregnant, since I always knew I didn't want children. DH doesn't want any, and it was one of the first things I asked him.

Don't have kids because you think society expects it of you. Enjoy your life; if there's no hole in it that you need to fill with offspring, let that be ok.

If you are not sure you want children, you don't actually want them.

'Don't have kids because you think society expects it of you. Enjoy your life'

Excellent advice. Not always easy to follow, but excellent

I felt the same - our life was comfortable, why bring kids into it? I knew it would be hard for me to get pregnant, my health wasn't great, never seemed like a good time... then my mum died and it changed my perspective on everything. After she died I was in a bad way for a while, but we started trying about 6 months later and I immediately fell pregnant with twins.

We've had a really tough time - emergency section, months in nicu, one with a serious illness... and it's still the best thing I've ever done in my life. I kick myself for waiting so long to be honest.

You can imagine all the downsides but you can't feel the positives until you have them. I wish I hadn't waited so long and my mum were here.

Actually deciding to start a family is very daunting - the fact that you're unsure does not mean you don't want them, it means you know it will completely change your life and that it's a big decision. I really struggled to make that decision and it took something awful happening for me to realise I was just putting my life on hold rather than getting on with it.

Yes, I daydream about going on a nice city break or out for a nice meal sometimes - we don't have any family around so we can't do stuff like that. But nothing I've given up remotely compares to what I've gained.

As others have said, fertility declines in women and you may not be able to have children of you leave it too late.

Of course there are women who conceive in late 30s abd and early 40s, but I've known many having difficulty conceiving.

OP - what gives you the idea that ‘he would resent you and the child’?
He is planning when he wants to have his 1st. 🤷🏻‍♀️
Is there more to the story???

If you have your own doubts - of course it’s perfectly normal. I, personally only married at 32 and for broody by 35.

However - if what you said about your fear of your husband’s adjustment to fatherhood - isn’t it better to discuss that with him, rather than assuming?

I have never felt like I should have a baby because society says that's what women should be doing at my age, that really doesn't bother me I do my own thing. I feel like I think I may want a family one day but I am just scared to give up our independence. It scares me that that feeling may never change.

The reason I feel he may resent us is most of his friends have ended up like that. They love nothing more than a night out with work and it's like they will do anything to avoid being with their wife and children at home. I know it sounds silly and there is nothing to say my husband will feel like that but I can't help worrying

Ah, neither myself nor my DH wanted children when we were in our early mid thirties. I still remember thinking I might have been pregnant around age 33-34 and I definitely wasn't ready and wanted my independence, career, nice holidays etc

However fast forward to later 30s and this view changed! Don't stress about it yet, there is still time and nothing ever stays the same

Hi, I’m also male and feel his pain. I am worried about having children after 35 also. I am in a relationship. I’m not happy. Not as happy as I should be. I don’t know whether to stick and work at it or cut loose and start again. But I’m ready for children but wanted them in my late 20’s early 30’s.

But now 5 days away from my 35th birthday I’m not sure on what to do!

So I know your partners pain. You need to think about it. Is it fair that you are holding him back? Is it a case you don’t want children with him, your simply no longer in to him as much. You don’t want him but you don’t want anyone else to want him?

Do you think you can do better?