Reconciling with cheating H

[Leftforemotionalaffair]

I may be one of the dumb women here who forgive a cheating H too easily but here goes. H had an emotional affair and we briefly separated. Their “relationship” is over (mutual) and we are considering reconciling. He is still in “withdrawal” from her, is depressed and anxious which is very hurtful to me and makes me wonder if I am a total fool for trying. He also says he loves me, is sorry it happened, sorry it hurt me and doesn’t know why he is feeling like this right now or why he is so confused. I know all cheaters say this so maybe I am being tricked. I am trying to be understanding and really want it to work for a lot of reasons but his doubts have me having doubts. Strangely we have also connected in a way we haven’t done for a long time since their relationship ended and have talked about what happened (an intense emotional connection with a lot of highs and a lot of lows/drama). I don’t really know what I am asking but need to get it out because it is so emotionally draining, one minute it feels we are going to be great, the next he is clearly pining for her and is miserable.

Do you know what I think? I think she dumped him. He needs to keep you (for now) else he's lost everything, but if she'd been up for a relationship, he'd be gone. Why else would he be miserable and pining and depressed?

What do you think? Is this likely?

I am feeling very uncomfortable about this - I have nothing against couples trying to work things out after infidelity - especially when there has been a long and mostly happy partnership beforehand. We are all human and we all fuck up - sometimes pretty badly

But - and it's a big but...this bit about him still pining...The fact he tells you and the fact you are taking that into consideration makes me think that there is something very awry in your relationship - you are sounding like a doormat. Any man who tells a woman how much he is pining for another woman is looking for a comfort blanket, not a romantic partner.

I'm sorry - but I think you should walk away until he's ready to commit to you and make you the focus of his life.

Sounds simplistic OP but can you honestly list down all the reasons you want to stay with him and try? Write it down. Don't look at it for a few days. Then come back to the list look at it and ask if you are willing to make the sacrifices, hard work and commitment for those reasons. Or whether it's time to move on.

The pinning this is really unacceptable. He does this around you? Tell him to go f*ck off when he does. He's no good to you until he has his head 100% back in your marriage, with his biggest concern being how he wins back your love and your trust. He needs to be worried about how happy YOU are.

In some ways, we end up in the marriages we demand. Younger me was such a push over, older me is really a bit of a hard ass.

I'm not saying that your marriage won't work out, just that I think that you have a better chance of being happy if you set firm boundaries, and hold him to a high standard.

What is all this we are trying to figure this out? Why should you be putting in one iota of legwork to fix this? He was unfaithful, he is pining because she dumped him or he is being a martyr and staying with you out of pity. So why do you tolerate this nonsense? I think you deserve better. Why do you think you should stay with someone who places no value on you or your relationship I wonder?

Get some counselling for yourself and go find your self esteem!

How long did the affair go on? How long were you separated?

Please step away from him until his head is sorted out.
No talk of reconciliation or being together.
Tell him you need some space away from him to really think about what YOU want.
You need to get your own head space sorted out here.
You are clinging on to something that might not be salvageable.
But for now, let him get on with getting over HER and you get on with your life without him in it and see how you get on!

Did you say he’s never actually met this woman?

So we talked last night and I let him know I need the space while he gets his act together. He said he isn’t pining for her, although he misses the high from the fantasy world. He is struggling big time with guilt and shame and trying to figure out why he would do this, why he hurt me, why he would risk our family. He can’t forgive himself and fully acknowledges that it is all his fault and that it wasn’t a symptom of a problem in our marriage (which is what he told himself and me while the affair was going on). Until he forgives himself and gets over the self pity we can’t move forward. While this is awful for me I know that I have to let him get his head together because he needs to be in a different place for us to have any hope of a real reconciliation. But it may also drive me away. He says he is committed to it so I hope he means it, I am willing to give him a little time but not too long. A lot of the things I read seem to indicate you need to give them time to heal themselves first so that you can really rebuild the relationship, the quick fix, begging you to take them back, telling you what you want to hear approach is not going to lead to real rebuilding.

Agree with other posters about firm boundaries. Actions will speak louder than words.

Give yourself a break, take each day as it comes and don't try to solve everything. Take care of you.