Difficult ex still trying to control my life

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Hi there,

I am a long time lurker and occasional poster but I am looking for some advice as to how to deal with my ex.

Without trying to dripfeed I broke up with my ex in January after a 6 week break because of various things. We were together 6 years and he continuously lied throughout this period. He gambled all our money, was involved with some very nasty people and eventually stole and pawned some of my belongings. As you can imagine i had major trust issues and couldn't continue the relationship. We have a DS together.

Since we split, I have had been primary carer to our DS with ex coming a few hours a week to see him. However there have been occasions he has gone AWOL. He has lied about living in a different city and has chosen to stay around where we are rather than going to his parents to sort his debt out. He is currently sleeping on a sofa thanks to the people he hangs around with who are not very nice. He has no steady job and has not paid me a penny towards our DS, not even for birthday presents.

I have been seeing someone for the past few weeks, someone i have known for longer than my ex. He was round one evening when DS woke up upset, so i brought him downstairs and new guy saw him for 5 minutes and then left. Ex has found out about me seeing them and about DS from someone else and not from me. He is absolutely furious and is now trying to control every aspect of my life. Dictating who can come into MY house and that if DS sees new guy again he will be furious.

New guy met my ex yesterday at my ex's demand to try and calm the situation down but all its done is make my ex think he has full control over the situation. I am more than capable of deciding who is good enough to be around DS, especially as ex has done whatever hes wanted to for the last year and all my decisions are in his best interest. I do not feel ex needs to know all about my life just because we have a DS together - however its quite a volatile situation and i do not want it to get any worse.

I'll quickly add - i am currently trying to get ex to go to mediation with me however its getting to a point where i am going to pay for a court order to make sure i have legal protection in place for DS.

Any advice welcome, thanks x

When you say it's a volatile situation, how?

Surely you tell him in simple terms that your life has nothing to do with him, he can see dc and that's as far as it goes with involvement into anything you do. He has no right to say who is around ds, who comes to your home, who you speak to in the street. It's actually 100% fuck all to do with him.
I'd lay that out then disengage. If he starts calling you, message him and say all contact between you will be done via message or email. Keep records. He sounds like a bloody pest who's pissed off that someone else can probably do a better job than him.

Volatile in the sense that as soon as he found out on Saturday night, he turned up at my house demanding I open the door to talk to him (I didn't of course). He has never threatened but has insinuated he can make things happen due to the people he's involved with and that I should be grateful in some way that he hasn't...

Thank you for your advice it's very helpful!

^ I would report that to the police tbh. The probably can’t do anything but record it at this stage, but you shouldn’t just ignore him threatening you (which that implicitly is).

Totally agree with pp's. It's none of his business. Don't engage, report his threats to police

Ok so if he turns up again uninvited call the police. Tell them your abusive ex is at your door frightening you and won't leave.
Can you see who's at your door without opening it? If so, call through the door I do not want you here you need to leave, this is harassment. He bangs, makes a big fuss, ignore, just call police. Don't involve your new fella, don't let him go round again either it's pouring petrol on the fire.

The more response you give him, the more power he feels he's got. The police turn up and move him on / take him away, it's a reaction but not from you. He can't see it's upset you, just that you won't tolerate his pathetic bullshit

Unless it is specifically about your child, you need to stop engaging with him about anything else. Tell him you will only discuss your son via text or email, and any phone calls will not be answered, and any messages about any other topic will not be responded to. If he shows up at your home, don't let him in and call the police. Does he have a key and have you changed the locks?

Take a look at Grey Rock techniques. As for the rest, yes, go for the court order; tell the police, only communicate to your via text or email. If he turns up at the door, call the police. If he calls you, ignore or block. The only power he has is that which you give him.

Yes i can see who is at the door so i don't answer it, he doesn't have a key as this is my house i moved to after we separated.

Thank you so much for the advice. I will look at grey rock techniques and call the police if it continues.

If he turns up unannounced then simply phone the police. If he's threatened you via text or email then show this to the police, if it's verbal tell the police. Don't engage with him. The more you do, the more he will try to control you

I wouldn't have let him meet the new guy tbh. It's none of his business and by you allowing it, it makes him believe he can dictate things.

I'd also agree that his threats should be reported to the police, just in case anything happens.

Now he's met the new guy, is he more reassured? Was he pleasant to him?