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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My friend is leaving her abusive DP...

6 replies

FunkyChunk · 23/10/2017 10:33

I cannot tell you how glad I am.

They are due to get married and she disclosed to me months ago about how he is extremely verbally/emotionally abusive and at times physically abusive. It seems as if she has finally found the courage to leave him, but he is so manipulative I'm worried about her resolve. He will definitely pull the "script"... I'll hurt myself if you leave, I'll change etc.

Does anyone have any useful resources that I can pass on to her to look at/read through? Ultimately I can't make her stay away from him, I'm being supportive as possible. But I hope with some additional help she will stay strong over and above his manipulation.

Can anyone help?

OP posts:

Redhound · 23/10/2017 10:37

The book which everyone mentions on here 'Why does he do that; Inside the minds of angry and controlling men' by Lundy Bancroft. Opened my eyes when I read it and definitely helped me to leave! You are a great friend!

Cricrichan · 23/10/2017 10:47

Get her to read some posts on here. I so wish this had been around 25 years ago.

Redhound · 23/10/2017 11:57

Yes ditto what Cricrichan said!

Redhound · 23/10/2017 15:01

PS my ex used the script to the max; he was always pleading, begging crying and promising to change but he didn't and I stayed 15 years because I was too kind, patient and loyal. I really hope your friend is strong enough not to make the same mistake. The leaving was really hard, he would ring and wail, plead and sob, normally I would have given in as it was so upsetting. But it was worth it for a happy new life.

hellsbellsmelons · 23/10/2017 16:15

Get her to call Womens Aid and to enrol to do the Freedom Programme.
Attend in person if she can.
If they have no kids then there is no need for contact.
Tell her to send him one last message that all communication comes through you and you can vet anything ensure she only gets texts about relevent things.
She then needs to block him on everything.
As an abuser losing his victim, he will find a way.
The book recommended above and the Freedom Programme will help her a lot along with good friends who are there for you no matter what.

Gilead · 23/10/2017 16:55

Mine did this. He'd kill himself if I went, he'd do this, he'd do that. Actually what happened was he got himself a younger girlfriend within a couple of months (we'd been together over 20 years), learnt to cook and travel and go out for meals, things we'd never done.

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