To think my DH's Family might be racist?

[Beansonapost]

DH is white I’m black...

I’m the first non-white in law in the family... we have 2 children.

They haven’t been very nice to me.... I mean his father and wife said they disapprove of the marriage to our faces. “ because I ruined the family”

His siblings are nice enough... but I get the feeling it just for show... not very genuine.

Today I was reading his grans memoirs and she wrote “saw a group of negro women and their piccaninnies” mind this was written in the 90’s when she was alive. I don’t know if it’s a generational thing... but I’m certain in the late 90’s language would have changed and people made aware of this type of language... she was old though so maybe not very aware.

Now I know it could just be her... but I’m left wondering if I’m the stain on their family. If our children will be treated differently because they aren’t white...

DH admits his gran and grandman were probably racists... his dad he says can’t possibly be... but uncertain about his step-mom. Certain his siblings aren’t.

I’m left wondering what I’ve done re my children... and how they will be treated my his family. DH was never very close to any of them and I’m NC after being told I’ve ruined their family.

Had I known all this before hand I probably would not have married or had children ( as painful as it might have been to end the relationship I would have) and I now think this is why my husband is not close to his family or remotely bothered about them.

Not really sure what’s going on in my head at the moment... should I be feeling differently about my DH?

How do I accept I’ve just married into a racist family ... or even protect my children from them?

I guess this is a WWYD type of situation.

That sounds tough OP. What does your DH do to protect / stand up you?

Your husband isn't a racist and it's not his fault if some of his family are. The good thing is that he realises it and I'm sure he'll do everything to protect his children and you.

Some people I know who aren't racist will sometimes unknowingly use a term that has become offensive to people of a certain race.

I know it's not right and to be honest you will know more, but this level of racism is all too common in Britain. If your husband isn't himself racist I would keep your contact with the rest of them as low as possible and just get on with it. Regretting having your children because of the attitudes of his grandparents seems a little extreme?

Not having the children?!?!?!? Do you think that racisim genes are a thing and are inheritable?

If you DP loves you and doesnt care much for his family, what is the problem (I am white and DP is black)?

You think they might be racist......

YA THINK?! They said you ruined their family. WT actual F?

Hell yeah they are. Obviously your husband isn't or he wouldn't be with you. His family sound awful. Give them a wide berth and keep your lovely children away from them.

Why on earth would you think differently about your husband?? That is horribly unfair. It's as though you are assigning guilt and responsibility to him for how other people think and behave, and the fact that he is related to them is irrelevant.

You even wrote He barely has anything to do with them. He chose YOU.

I don’t regret having my children... let’s get that clear.

I simply would have liked this information beforehand.

The issue I’m having is they also have children so my children have cousins... what do I tell a child when they ask why they don’t really see/spend much time with my DH’s Family their cousins etc.

I know it’s a long way from now... but I never imagined that is something I’d have to contemplate discussing.

DH is very good and keeps everything by email. He doesn’t see them. And he did stand up to them.

It’s just not nice being told you’ve ruined a family by simply being another race... my family all love him. He chats more to my mom than he does to his family. I know he isn’t like them.

This has just floored me! I realise now all those nasty words were said to me because of my race.

I’m suppose I just have to digest it and move on.

Sorry to hear all this - sounds miserable. Awful to hear you've been treated like that.

Re the cousins thing - my kids don't see their cousins (for different reasons, but basically because my DH doesn't get on well with his siblings). If it ever comes up - which is rarely, because they just aren't part of my DCs' life - we just say "Oh, we don't see them very often". If pressed as to why, I'd probably say "Daddy doesn't get on that well with them so he doesn't get round to seeing them". And that usually suffices.

The thing about his nan and her diary could be a generational thing, though. I remember my own nan, who quite genuinely didn't have a racist bone in her body and had friends from all over the world of all skin tones. She could never, never get her head around the fact that the shade of brown that I would describe as "chocolate" should never be described by a word beginning with "n". No matter how often we told her. Because that was the word she'd been taught as a child and she'd got to the age where new things didn't stick. Not making excuses - and certainly not for the rest of the family - but I would always judge older people by their actions and attitudes before their language.

OP - it is terrible, and I do think it’s also generational.
So - your H’s siblings - if they haven’t given you any reasons to think they are racist - why not give them a chance? And certainly - the cousins????
Kids are growing up very differently these days. Their ideas on some many things are different - race, gender, etc.
Your kids cousins will not know about their great-grandparents racism and won’t grow up like that.

You are hurt and suffering. But - as other posters said - your H didn’t do anything wrong. You didn’t stain any families - no reason to doubt your marriage.
And cousins - give it a go!!!

OP

This must be so hard for you, what vile people. But like a PP said, your husband chose you. His loyalty is to you and you and the children are his family now.

When it comes to explaining to the children; just tell them you don't see them because you're not close to them anymore. They don't need to know the truth while they are young.

Fwiw, it's not quite the same but I have no contact with any of my relations apart from my mum. I sometimes wonder how it will be explaining to my children why they don't see their other granddad/great grandparents etc but I will just tell them we don't speak and we don't need them.

I'm sorry you are going through this. They are racist.

Since you asked WWYD, I would research places to live and find one that was as open to mixed couples and children as possible and move there. I would minimize contact with the crazy in laws. I would live a beautiful happy life with my husband and children.

I have crazy relatives who made my childhood hell. My children have very little contact with them. Living far away makes it easier. They say that the best revenge is living well, and I think its true.