Should we split?

[6catsandcounting]

Dh and I have been together over 25 years. I have suffered from MH issues on and off for the last 15 yrs but the last 3 have been incredibly bad - I am regularly suicidal and feel like I am just existing. I am currently working (and living) away as work helps me exist and when I am not working in just veg / sleep. I have CMHT input but nothing is getting much better. I cannot cope if I go back 'home' as I struggle with everyone's expectations of me and it sets things off again ...
I feel guiIty that dh has to go through all this but also wonder if it would be better if we separated. We have teenage dc (15 & 16) who spend time with each of us as they wish, I don't think they would be upset if we split as we kind of are now iyswim. I think their major concern is that I survive - I am sure that have a pact not to leave me alone.
I read so many threads on here that say you should not stay with a partner just because they are ill, or for the sake of the children so wonder if I am being unfair to dh?
The other part of me worries it is the illness talking and I shouldn't make any precipitate decisions at the moment - but what if I don't get better?

for you. Forgive me for asking but have you tried medication? I find it hard to make an informed assessment/decision when I’m feel depressed or anxious.

Was there a particular trigger to the 15 years then 3 years-ago episodes starting?

Do you feel you are dependent on him?

If you separate and he moves on with someone else do you think you’re mentally strong enough to deal with it?

Lots to work through. Take every hour at a time when things are particularly bad.

I'm on max dose ADs; there were triggers to each episode, the last still exists.
I am not dependent on him - more the other way around and now I cannot cope with that.
Never thought of him possibly moving on with someone else, not sure how I would deal with that, I live very much in the moment. Guess I would be happy as it would take the pressure off me.
Not sure if I am just running away from my responsibilities or if he is better off without the worry of me.

What does your DH think? Have you talked about it?

You cannot make the decision for your DH that he's better off without you. You can only make the decision for yourself.

You said in your OP that when you are at home you feel worse due to "expectations". Is that because you feel you have to put on a facade for the DC? Or is your DH reliant on you for some reason?

Have you thought about the practicalities of a split - your DC are older so not much childcare needs, but would you basically just live away at work? Would they be able to visit you, or vice versa?