How do you move on from feeling betrayed?

[BabyLord]

I don't know how to deal with this and could really use some advice.

Yesterday night I got a message from DHs ex informing me they'd had a conversation on the phone and exchanged texts. He is away for work, we had had an argument on the phone. I tried to call back and his phone was engaged. When he rang back he wouldn't say who he spoke to but said he called someone so he wouldn't have to speak to me. I now know that it was her.

There is a bit of a back story with her, she has been a bit of a bunny boiler even though they broke up years before DH and i even met. But i have always made it clear to him that it was his job to establish boundaries and he agreed he would have no contact with her. I could tell from her messages she knew she was causing trouble, and was loving it.

We have had a hard time recently, things are quite stressful. I am also pregnant. Our relationship is usually great, he is a great dad to my son from a previous relationship. He has never, to my knowledge, cheated.

Last night I was mostly in shock. I sent him a screenshot of the message and he immediately apologised and said he knows he's fucked up and done the wrong thing. He has said he's in a bad place and just wanted to talk to someone else. I've told him i need time to process it.

I don't know what to do now. Worse things could have happened but I still feel humiliated and I don't know if I can trust him. He admitted he doesn't know if he would have told me if she hadn't messaged me so is he only sorry because i found out?

I do want to move forward. I love him so bloody much. I just don't know how to deal with this. Please if anybody has any advice i'd really appreciate it.

OP.... the Ex is loving this carnage... if he wants her to be his 'confidante' his 'go to lass' his 'stress manager' .. then tell him to get the fuck out.. and go live with her...

OP you do need to hear him acknowledge how poisonous his ex's actions have been rather than just promise he'll never contact her again. I cannot think of a good reason for her to be in contact with you and send you that message other than to shit stir. You need to make sure he really gets that and understands it. If he gets defensive about her then I'd say there's more to it. Quite why he'd have turned to her suddenly after no contact I just can't fathom - I do wonder if they've been in contact on and off all this time.

Do be prepared for him to have deleted the texts.

Well, it's alright him crying and begging forgiveness, but he had a choice, and he made it.
I can't begin to imagine how you are feeling, I''m just glad that your anger and humiliation, is allowing you some direction.
There is no reason good enough, for him to jeopardise your relationship, in this way. When he crawls back to face the music, don't for one minute allow him, to turn the tables on you.
Fight your corner OP, don't be blinded by love. Thinking of you, hope you get it sorted, one way or another. We're all here for you Sweet. 🌺

I would ring the ex up and ask her how often they text/speak.

'How long do you move on from being betrayed?' Time and absolute honesty or not at all.

I really don't want to ring the ex. She's probably rubbing her hands together thinking she's caused all this trouble already i really don't want to give her any more satisfaction.

I think you can get past this.... but I wouldn't make it easy for him.

I know you probably don't want to hear this, but it could be worse. He hasn't cheated and he was likely in a bad place.

Nonetheless, it's painful. I know how I felt when something similar happened.

Don't contact his Ex. Don't give her the satisfaction. She's just jealous of you. If he'd said anything inappropriate she would have taken great pleasure in telling you.

There's a huge red flag for me here - so she's the "crazy ex" and a "bunny boiler" which implies she was really hard to get rid of, but then as soon as you two have an argument he's straight back in touch with her? That sounds like absolute crap to me.

Sure she's a bunny boiler? I had a guy once who made my life an absolute misery (not an ex) and acted completely insane - following me around the internet, sending threatening messages to me and my family, making up weird stuff about my husband. Do you think I contact him when things are tough with my husband? Of course not, I live in fear of him showing up again. There's no way on earth that if she was really that much of a problem he would be contacting her.

I'm sorry your going through this BabyLord I myself have gone through this in the last 2 months. I found my husband texting an old girlfriend. We have been together over 8 years and the Ex girlfriend was from around 10 years ago. Although I never saw any texts apparently they were just chit chat - nothing sexual however I really struggled to think of the Ex girlfriends glee that she had my husbands attention and he had put her before our marriage and child.

I at times wished I had found him in bed with her as the descion would have been more clear cut to get rid of him.
I can understand at first you will feel shocked, sad and then very angry. These feelings will come and go and at times you will want to just act normal with him and forget it all because it's all too painful. Only you can decide which way you want to proceed. How did I go forward? 1) I asked him to leave to give me space to think and breathe. 2) I spoke with the Ex girlfriend on the phone to get as much information as possible and in all honesty to make her squirm and for her to know that I wasn't a doormat. I then banned any further contact between either.
3) I attended CAB to gain as much information as I could so I could make an informed descion.
4) I searched for alternative accommodation.
5) I told close friends what was going on to get support and also some of his family so I could not be gasslighted into him saying I was over reacting.

We attended relate together and when presented with all the above he realised I was extremely prepared for permanent separation. We are still together at present. We attend Relate every 2 weeks. Do I trust him. No. Not at the moment. However only time will tell if we will stay married. Things will never be the same again however I'm prepared to try one last time.

BabyLord take time to take in what's happened. Don't gloss over your feelings because if you try they will manifest elsewhere. Look after yourself and be kind to your self.