Does this sound like emotional abuse?

[IWouldLikeToSeeTheseMangoes]

Asking for advice as recently confided in a friend about trouble in relationship and they said it's emotional abuse but don't know if that's an over reaction. Sometimes DP can be nice but increasingly all I seem to get is criticism, my every mistake pointed out and made to feel stupid and small and worthless. I try to make conversation and he looks at me like I'm an idiot or says I'm mumbling. So I speak up more emphatically and he asks why I'm "snapping." He recently shouted at me in front of all the kids (two of his own from previous relationship and one of my own) when I was trying to offer advice on a situation said I was trying to be a "smart arse". Often in situation he relates back to me what happened in a way I don't think happened but it makes me question if I'm wrong and it really was all my fault. But I always try to be objective and see it from both sides. If I feel I've done something wrong I will try to apologise and sometimes he accepts that in a patronising kind of way. Will give me a hug for example as if to say "it's ok you messed up." Then he will be nice to me for a while and I question again if I've over reacted. I grew up in a household where my father was an alcoholic and so things were somewhat dysfunctional and I've always vowed I would never let myself become a victim of any kind of abuse. I worry that perhaps I'm reading too much into it but also that because of growing up that way as a child I possibly have fallen into a pattern of what feels normal and familiar to me. I do not want my young DC to ever experience what I went through so think I need to have a long hard think about it. Am I over reacting to this sort of thing? Don't get a lot of sleep as my DD has additional needs and so that takes a lot out of me which DP knows and has witnessed first hand. So I worry that he is playing on that at times to make out I'm being over sensitive or kind of mis-remembering situations as they happened. I have my own faults as I say have a lot of stress in my life and anxiety related health problems so perhaps I don't react to things in the best way at times but I do genuinely try to do all I can to make him happy and feel it's never enough.

You are so not the only one with messed up relating patterns, Mangoes. I promise you, there are hoards of us out here. I recognise all you have posted

Women's Aid, Freedom Programme (get on a course ASAP!), SLAA, CODA. That'll keep you busy lol

Really, I promise you're not the only one xx

Thanks hellsbells looked up that site earlier definitely sounds worth a go. Hadn't heard of the term 'stonewalling' but it definitely fits also sadly. Really hoped I was imagining things and thinking maybe it's just him being a bit grumpy and me being over touchy.

thank you again springydaffs x I felt that bad this morning nearly called the Samaritans. Keep holding off calling Women's Aid in case the response is sceptical and they think I'm being a time waster! In my head abuse would be if he battered me or something even though logically I know psychological bullying is almost worse than physical.

Well yes I went through the same. I used to hang around domestic abuse sites etc but didn't have the courage to actually turn up to any groups bcs I thought I was a fake. He didn't hit me, see - too clever for that..

When I finally got to a (WA) support group I kept quiet (still thought I was a fake). When my story finally came out the women who had been hit said they'd prefer to be hit any day than the awful psychological torture. I'm just saying what they said.

If you sign up to the Freedom Programme that should give you a clear view of what you're experiencing

Yeah i almost said exactly that - would prefer to be hit than the psychological games but didn't want to potentially offend anyone. Growing up I experienced both and for me personally the mental stuff is much harder to deal with, not to undermine physical violence in any way, shape or form it's just how it was for me xx

I used to wish he'd hit me so I had something tangible to go on. (Just saying it as it was, I don't mean to offend)

I know exactly what you mean as I feel like that too. It would be physical proof and not explained away like when I try to reason with him about how cruel he's been in a situation and he always turns it around so it was my fault and he was just reacting to something (wrong) I did. Really turns your brain to mush. He can be too aggressive in certain situations but generally nothing physical. Again I don't mean to offend anyone being physically abused in the present as I've been through that too. An ex years ago used to get a bit 'handsy' with me and it still wasn't as painful as this.

This is exactly why the term has changed to domestic abuse rather than violence and it's why it's now illegal.
It must an awful thing to go through.
If you spoke to Womens Aid then they can completely validate what you are suffering from and it will help to make it clearer in your head.
You've nothing to lose by calling and everything to gain.

Thanks hellsbells I will do that. Need to stop minimising it and making excuses for what it is. Worried I might cry on the phone and they'll be thinking jeez we've heard much worse than this!

Do you live together? How long have you been together?

Living through this abuse damages you and it's not until you are out of the situation do you realise how much impact it has had.

I am so much more relaxed and I wasted vast amounts of energy trying to figure out what was going on. I cried frequentely.
Starting a journal of incidents was probadly the start of the end, for me, as I realised paterns were at play.
I also had good advice from my sister who kept saying how far from "normal" his behaviour was.This is what you have to hear and know.

It does creep up on you as they are incredibly clever maintaining the nasty/nice cycle.
I think you sound very insightful and know deep down he is not a kind person.It often a shock when reality sinks, knowing it's not just grumpiness but his (unconscious or conscious) abuse.

The people on the phone will have nothing but sympathy and respect that you have had the courage to speak up. Reading all your posts it is so sad to hear how down on yourself you are.
You are a strong woman, you must be to have come through what you have.
I urge you to ring someone today. As well as that I think a trip to your gp would be a good idea so that you can be revered for some individual counselling. You sound very unhappy and seem to have picked a second abusive partner, probably because you were conditioned to do so.
If I read your OP correctly you have a child, it is really important that you break this cycle now so that they can see what a healthy relationship looks like.
None of this is your fault and there are so many people out there who would love to help if you let them xx

You will cry.
Saying it out loud and having someone validate it will no doubt make your cry.
They will help you with everything and most certainly will not be thinking like that.

You will come out of that phone conversation and feel like a weight has been lifted.
That you aren't going crazy. That you were right to feel the way you do.
It will take a few attempts to get through but keep trying.
Once you've taken that first step everything will become easier and clearer.

It's been about a year, we don't live together. It's hard to pinpoint when this started happening it must have been very gradual as like I say he was always lovely to me in the beginning and at times still is, that's probably what keeps you hooked in eh? That tiny bit of hope that maybe if I can do better, succeed more at xyz, bend over backwards he will show me more affection. Which isn't what unconditional love is and I know that. Even if he isn't hurting me physically the stress of it means I'm sabotaging my own peace of mind and physical health. Someone I hadn't seen in a while yesterday commented I had lost a lot of weight am just really struggling to eat and it's making me dizzy then feel more ill and muddled mentally. Feel like I'm wasting away with the stress. So you're right it's a very damaging thing and not normal. Probably "normal" to me with my upbringing but that was highly dysfunctional looking back and it seems like in my head abuse = love from a partner. I known how wrong that is though.

I will do thank you hellsbells It's all been what I needed to hear to know I'm not going insane.

Thank you chunkymonkey for your kind words. Had quite a few knocks in life and always just had to keep going and power through so I thought I was strong but with how he's done a number on me I don't like myself much right now It's definitely not a pattern I want to repeat at home. I'm at my gp constantly at the moment for various physical problems which all end up being attributed to stress/anxiety. It's rocketed past few months. I think speaking to someone else, counsellor wise could be a good idea as there's so many things from the present and past I clearly have never fully dealt with. Every day I put on a happy face and pretend to the world that all is fine but inside I'm crumbling. I just get on still and do the best I can to keep busy but I can feel I'm starting to burn out.

You've had a hard time op, but stay strong - you can and will get through this.

Thank you cambionome Everyone on this thread has helped so much xx

So you are a shell of your former self

Yep, me too. Shocking what a state I was in at the end ...

But I'm out (ty god). Joy joy joy to the world when I got away from the bustard.

Ime it's been a lifetime's work to unravel the abuse I suffered in childhood which I went on to replicate in my adult relationships. It's been a great journey. Still is, actually. Lots of therapy of course, lots of reading, lots of courses and groups. More courses, more reading, more therapy, more groups.... Met some amazing people along the way! We survivors of childhood abuse are a great bunch!

The Freedom Programme was the turning point for me. I can't recommend this course highly enough. Do please get on it at your earliest. It will change your life.

I've never been through what you are going through but just thinking about the eating.
When I split with ExH I couldn't eat solid food.
So maybe keep your sugar levels up and keep hydrated.
That would be a good start.
I got though on sugary tea and orange juice ice-lollies.
Smoothies would work and soup too.
Just stay away from solid food for now and try anything in liquid form.
It's no surprise your childhood was dysfunctional.
Unfortunately it's cycle.
But you can break it.
Again, WA can point in the direction of a good local therapist/counsellor.

springydaffs I feel like I know you personally now as it seems we've been down very similar paths