Partner acting like a teenager!!!

[motherofbeatrix]

I would say 70% of the time my partner is spot on. But when it comes to the other 30% he is awful. He’s 25 by the way not a teenage boy although I feel like I’m going out with one.

My main issue is when he’s on his Xbox (I know) he gets so so angry. It makes me nervous around him as I feel like he’s just going to snap at me (never violently, just shouting). He also swears a lot, we’ve just had a baby who is 3 months old, and I hate her being around this sweary angry person he is when he’s on it. Also 95% of the time I’m a calm person, very chilled out.. but when he snaps at me and starts off I can just flip because it’s getting me so angry. I would say it’s only the last year or so of our relationship I’ve been flipping when he snaps. Also just the point it’s only ever him I’ve flipped out on. (When I say flip out I just mean shout a lot ha)

What’s caused me to write this post is that tonight I was talking to him about something he was also telling his friend over the headset who was also on Xbox. I told him something and he ignored me, I simply said ‘babe..’ to tell him again and he yelled ‘What???!!’ Naturally I get angry because I’m not being snapped at like that. Anyway it’s cause a big row and I’ve told him I’m not having him snapping at me and getting angry at me when he’s on his Xbox. His response was that ‘I’ve got 3 people talking in my ear and you babbling on at me as well, it’s annoying’ to which I’ve responded well I’m going to remove myself from the room whenever he’s on his Xbox (a lot of the time) and see how much time we spend together. He honestly didn’t really care much. Said he’s not interested in this conversation, told me to piss off, told me to fuck off (all in front of our daughter) which I have said ‘she’s going to grow up thinking it’s okay to be spoken to like that and it’s not’. He apologises for snapping but if I go off on one cryptically mention about me leaving he just gets angry again.

I’m now sat upstairs ranting on here about it whilst he’s downstairs on his Xbox laughing away with his mate (on the headset)

I literally don’t know how much more I can handle. I’m not really looking for advise just wanted to rant!!!

Ps he’s 25 and it would seem that a lot of lads are this obsessed with there Xbox’s still at this age referring to my other friends relationships!! Feel like I’m in a relationship with a teenage son! 

You can't live like that. He's worse than a teenage boy. Your daughter doesn't deserve this and nor do you.

*Brilliantdisguise
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We don’t. And I hate putting the blame on him for the negatives in our relationship but it is 90% him! And he cannot accept that. He’s now hinting at breaking up. Which I know he doesn’t want at all.
I’ve just laid all the cards on the table, told him exactly how I feel, I think he thinks that implying us breaking up means I’ll apologise for being brutally honest and beg for him not to end it. All I want is for us to work on us!

BY THE WAY, this is all via text messages!! He is still downstairs he is still chatting away to his mates on Xbox! It’s ridiculous.

I have a similar problem with the PS4. He's having a relationship with whoever he's talking to on that, all night from dinner til bedtime and whole weekends. I feel like taking a sodding sledgehammer to it. I'm ashamed to say, I was the one who bought the sodding thing for his birthday

This has nothing to do with his Xbox. This is about how much he respects and values you.

He doesn't. Now you need to decide how much time you want to waste on this man-child.

in this day and age 25 is the new 14. expect a decade of this if you want to stay. you will become the mother figure and he will be a "teenage" child needing prompting and reminding on all home matters as the xbox will suck his brains out his ears.

There is a lot going on here.

He’s on the Xbox whilst he should be with his child.

He is happy to swear , shout and disrespect you in front of your child. Your D will learn this is how you and herself should be treated. She is not too young to understand anger.

He sees nothing wrong in downing , belittling you in front of someone.

He sees nothing wrong in downing , belittling you.

He things what he wants to do overrides you and your daughter.

His anger is out of control.

He sees nothing wrong in you sitting upstairs so he gets what he wants.

Take the Xbox out the scenario. How would you feel if you were at a restaurant with another couple. You ask him a question and his response is to scream very loudly shut up I’m talking to X. Then he turns away from you and carries on chatting to his mate. Would you just say awww he’s a man child. I’ll go and sit on another table so he can have time having fun and chatting. Just because he’s playing with a toy does not turn his behaviour into a man child. You are giving him an excuse and almost saying he is two different people. He is not !!!!! He is a person who feels it’s ok to talk abusively to you in front of your D and who is very selfish putting his wants before everything else.
It’s not a case of bin the Xbox and he’ll be great. This is his attitude towards you full stop. He either respects you or doesn’t. You can’t respect someone differently depending on what you are doing. That’s like saying I’ll be nice to you when we’re stood in the garden , sitting room , bedroom and kitchen. But when we’re stood in the bathroom I’m going to talk to you like shit. Oh that’s ok because you’re so perfect towards me in all the other rooms. How idiotic does that sound. Your response is but the Xbox makes him angry. No the Xbox doesn’t he just likes it more than you and shows you that. Imagine saying he’s concentrating on washing his hands that’s why he screams at me. You’d think I was stark raving mad for giving that excuse.
There is no excuse !

It’s wrong to tell a partner to fuck off and he either needs to learn some respect pdq

You will get a load of replies saying this is about the Xbox but it isn’t (as you know). An Xbox is like any other hobby - replace with gym or golf etc. My dh (30) enjoys games but he always makes time for us every evening and doesn’t play around the kids.

Your oh doesn’t sound at all committed to your relationship which is awful. I don’t think I could stay with someone who had such different values when it comes to spending time together.

I would say 70% of the time my partner is spot on

You write that as though it's almost a good thing, or not too bad. Why are you settling for 70% in a partner for you and a father for your daughter? Imagine if airlines settled for a 70% safety record. My point, 70% is woefully shit. You made a mistake having a child with a tosser of a man-child. Don't make the mistake of staying with him thinking that he'll miraculously grow up.

With a temper like that you’ll never be able to trust him to look after his infant daughter alone.

He’ll end up ignoring her too and playing his x-box and who knows how he’ll react to her crying?

Ultimatum time.

He needs to choose his family or his game console.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What needs of yours does he meet and continue to meet here?. This is not about the xbox; what you are describing is symptomatic of other problems within this relationship (the xbox issue is the surface of the iceberg).

Some example of a father is he is to his child isn't he?. Would you want her as an adult to have a relationship like this, hell no you would reply. But its acceptable to you on some level (hence all this 70% nonsense) and you're showing her that his current treatment of you is acceptable to you. You had a child by a manchild and this is the end result. He has I think one foot out of the door on this "relationship" already.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up?. Why have you settled for this, why has your relationship bar been so low that you accept 70% (which is woefully shit indeed and how do you at all arrive at such a figure anyway?) in a partner for you and as a father for your child?. I think she deserves better as well frankly because such entitled and selfish individuals do not change.

You have a choice re this man, she does not.

We had a bit of this early in our relationship. One day I flipped, we had to talk about arrangements for picking up a friend - the arrangement had changed and needed talking about - at least - in the next 10 minutes,

I'd had 20 min of gruff "in a minute - I'm talking to x" - got so cheesed off I switched the router off in the middle of his game and he was so shocked he talked to me about the arrangements. I said "THANK YOU", and turned it back on - and after that the air seemed to clear a bit, and I was treated like a proper human being.

In this house if anyone acts like a teenager they get treated like one...

Don't blame the Xbox, my dp plays the Xbox in the evenings (I play sometimes) but the difference is we can sit and chat at the same time, so if I'm reading or on mumsnet or whatever we can still have a decent conservation. No way would I put up with this though in the evenings though OP apart from being horribly antisocial the aggression that comes with it is awful especially in front of your child.

Thanks for the responses.

We’ve talked and narrowed it down to what the root causes are to the problems in our relationship - I’m overly emotional, when something annoys me I just blow up. I think because I am so chilled out most the time, when something does annoys me I get so over the top emotional, i get bad anxiety when I cry or get angry so this affects how I react.

This causes me to explode and I think My partner uses it as an excuse to think I AM over reacting, and that what he’s doing to annoy me is normal and fine because I’m simply over reacting but it’s definitely not.

I told him the root cause to me feeling like this is his anger and for us to work he needs to control his anger no matter what situation but mainly is anger stems from his Xbox.
He said he gets it and it makes sense so at least I’m getting through to him he needs to change.

I agree with what most of you have said and I have brought up these points with him. However I noticed one person said ‘it was a mistake to have a child with a man child’ I do strongly disagree with this. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t have my daughter and she is the best thing that’s happened to me. There is not one ounce of regret in me having a child with him.

You've talked whilst he has mainly tuned out. He says he gets it and it makes sense for him to change but there is no real will to do so on his part. How is he going to change?. What has he stated he is going to do here?.

What do you want to teach your DD about relationships; for her to eventually realise that her father is a waste of space as well?. Why is his behaviours towards you (and in turn her) still acceptable to you on some level?. The man puts his xbox time above anything and anyone else; I note also that other people were talking in his ear via this whilst he described you as babbling (you were below these people in his eyes).

This manchild has no intention whatsoever of changing and has simply given you a lot of old flannel.

'she’s going to grow up thinking it’s okay to be spoken to like that and it’s not’.
Only if you continue to allow him to speak to you like that and teach her that it is

However I noticed one person said ‘it was a mistake to have a child with a man child’ I do strongly disagree with this. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t have my daughter and she is the best thing that’s happened to me. There is not one ounce of regret in me having a child with him.
That's great. I'm happy for you, I am. BUT.. you chose this man as the role model you wanted for your child/children so you obviously didn't mind his behaviour before. Personally, I don't get that and it's a shame you didn't set the bar higher but it's not too late to make sure your child knows what respect and love actually look like. It's totally up to you what you want to model to your daughter.

I agree with what most of you have said and I have brought up these points with him. However I noticed one person said ‘it was a mistake to have a child with a man child’ I do strongly disagree with this. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t have my daughter and she is the best thing that’s happened to me. There is not one ounce of regret in me having a child with him.

That was my comment. I wasn't for a second suggesting you should regret having your child and the fact you choose to misinterpret it to minimise and dismiss the man-child part is very telling. Your partner is a man-child. He's 25, a father and a partner in an adult relationship, yet you are falling out over him playing on a fucking game console. How more childish can it get?

Anyway, best of luck. From your last post, you appear to be happy to accept that you are the root cause. Evidently his gamesmanship extends far beyond his xbox.

My DH is an avid gamer. We just have an agreement that he'll play one night a week. Aside from that, whenever I'm not at home he can play as much as he desires.

I also enjoy gaming and can say that while your DP is playing, you are not spending time together. And it is annoying to have someone talking to you whilst you're having a conversation with someone else.

You both need boundaries, be it the amount of time spent on a game, or the manner in which you speak to one another.

'I'm getting through to him he needs to change'.

Really?

So he's not been on the xbox all day then?