Rape/mothers reaction

[rosareine]

I posted about a situation on here before, asking if I was raped.

After I gave birth to my ds, my oh (now ex) tried to initiate sex around two weeks pp. I said no repeatedly and tried to push him away. The baby was on the bed next to me. He carried on and I froze. I was sobbing as he had (rough) sex with me.

I have been finding this very difficult to come to terms with recently. I was having a really down day and confided this in my mother. I was practically in tears when I told her.

Her response has really upset me and has me doubting that I was raped and that I'm just being silly. She started to say that she doesn't know why men are like this pp... and that most women have experienced this post birth. That's all I let her say, I put the phone down. I couldn't hear anymore of what she was going to say.

I feel even more confused and upset after this conversation. I expected her to be outraged and supportive... I'm really doubting myself.

I told her I said no, I told her I was torn and bleeding...

I feel so let down.

Did I over react putting the phone down? Maybe I'm in the wrong? I just don't know.

Most men are not like this post-birth, that's a terrible thing to say. No wonder you're upset. If you said no and he continued, it's rape. I'm so sorry this happened to you.

Oh, and you definitely did not overreact. I'm not surprised you're upset. Do you think you could ask her what she meant by her comment? It sounds as though she was normalising something very abnormal...

There's nothing to be confused about. He raped you.

And you mum is talking shit. Most women have NOT experienced this post birth.

I'm so sorry you experienced that. Yes it was rape. Your mother's lack of support to you is really horrible.

I'm glad to hear that man is now your ex. Have you sought any support eg counselling? Or considered going to the police?

I’m so sorry that this happened to you.

It was rape.

It sounds like your mother has issues of her own, maybe linked to societal views on male/ female roles but she is wrong, this was not ok. There are many people who will listen, believe you and support you through this.

I would recommend speaking to Rape Crisis (0808 802 9999) they can help you access support such as counselling.

My dh has been desperate to dtd since I gave birth but i have been in no mood even though the stitches have gone and I am no longer bleeding.
He would never push it and he knows that no means no and would never try anything if I wasn't happy.
It definetly was rape in your situation. I'm sorry your mother is being so heartless. I have experienced this myself as I was sexually assaulted when I was younger and my siblings never believed me and picked on me for it.
I think some counselling would help massively xxx

Your mother is 100% wrong. You were raped.

You said no. He ignored you.

You definitely didn't over react. Hopefully your mum will see sense and apologise.

Under no circumstances is this how 'all men behave pp',! My dh wouldn't come near me until I had the go ahead from the g.p (at my six week pp check). Even then it was a couple of weeks after and he was so gentle and kept checking I was OK (we were both terrified!).

I am so sorry that your own mother is a rape apologist! I wonder if perhaps she has been in a similar situation herself and can't face up to the fact that she is a victim of rape.Even if that is the case, she had absolutely no right to say that! I am so glad you are away from your monster ex!

I agree with pp who suggested you contact rape crisis. I am so, so sorry that your ex abused you so terribly. He is an evil man to do that with your tiny baby lying next to you! Have you reported your ex to the police at all?

Your mother is awful. If anyone did that to my daughter I’d rip them apart. I’m so sorry you have so many terrible people in your life. I hope you can find support elsewhere.

You did absolutely nothing wrong! I would have slammed down the phone and hung up on her. What happened to you is awful, unacceptable, harrowing, and absolutely not normal or something "men are like"!! It may be normal (or at least understandable) to pursue A BIT, but it's not normal to push the subject, it's not normal to refuse to take a no from a new mum who is still healing, and it's very not normal to carry on with somebody who is frozen in fear and not reciprocating. He is horrible and that was definitely rape. :(

I'm SO sorry, love!! I don't know what else to say. I am so so sorry.

Please do speak to someone, especially after your own mum was so cruel. That must hurt so deeply. They can help you work through your feelings, your anger, everything, and they can help you decide on any next steps, whatever they may be.

How are you doing now? How is the lovely baby?

Maybe your mother’s reaction reflects her own experience - In which case your reaction to her might be just as upsetting - just a thought

I wonder if your mother is speaking from her own experience, and if so what kind of role modelling of relationships you experienced as a child.

I'm so sorry that you had this appalling and violent crime committed against you.

I’m very sorry for your experience, and I agree with others that talking to a professional could be very, very helpful.

I also agree that it is likely that your mother had a similar experience. Although what she said to you was very hurtful, I feel compassion for her. She was socialized that husbands have a right to have sex with their wives, that rape isn’t possible in marriage. It’s horrific.

I hope you find your peace.

What he put you through is rape and absolutely awful.
You need support now so do not contact your mother again.
Do however contact Rape Crisis.
It's mentioned above.
They will be a great support for you.
Would you consider reporting this to the police?
Something to think about but Rape Crisis can help you with all of this.

Does sound like she has had the same or similar experiences with men herself, in which case she will have trouble understanding that it is your reaction that is normal, not hers. You need to look for (ideall professional) support elsewhere - it will also help you work out how to deal with her in future. Might be a good idea to stay away from her until you have confidence in your own reactions again. If she has had a similar experience, she might not like being told that she's been abused - but she might actually benefit from what you learn, too.

It's hard when you realise that the person normally expected to support you is actually unable to do so.

She said most men rape the mothers of their children while they cry, next to their newborn?

NO THEY FUCKING DON'T. Not a chance in hell. My husband has a very high sex drive and it took me 10 months after birth to be able to have sex with him. Sure, he'd ask if wanted to pretty often, but I would say no and that was the end of the matter.

I'm sorry to say but he absolutely raped you. Irrefutably. I am so so sorry this happened to you. Are you able to leave? Have you made sure he understands what he has done? Have you seen a doctor (at this stage sex carries a large risk of uterine infection which can be serious)? If you feel at all able to go and speak to your gp about what's happened they can help you, or a sexual assault clinic in your area if there is one. Whether you feel you can leave right now, and whether you feel you want to report this or not is completely your choice but please get some support.

I've only just admitted to my husband that I was raped, and sexually assaulted by several other men. This isn't something you want to bottle up longterm because it eats away at you.

I am so sorry your mother reacted that way. When I was in my mid teens I told her about my father sexually abusing me. Over time she applied increasing pressure for me to tell her the details. When I did, she told me it wasn't that bad. After a few sessions of counselling she told me I should be over it by now. I never forgave her for it.

Sending you lots of hugs x

No absolutely not most men! My DH wanted to wait longer than me because he didn't want to hurt me. Sounds like your mum is speaking from experience.

I’m going to be a bit of a devil’s advocate here.
Yes, your husband raped you, but if the same thing had happened about 30 years ago it wouldn’t have been rape. Your mum probably spent her early marriage in an era where a man was legally entitled to have sex with his wife whether she wanted to or not. Even then I expect most men wouldn’t have behaved so appallingly but it probably still happened, and more than it would now.
Please try to speak to her again. If a mum hears her daughter is in pain it can be easy to try to minimize it to take the sting out of it, ie “there there, it’s not so bad”, in the same way you might with a child’s grazed knee.
And I’m not saying your position is comparable with that obviously, but give her another chance to hear you out fully and to come to terms with what she’s hearing about her precious daughter. It will be painful for both of you, but I wish you luck.

I am thinking about this from what it would be like to talk to my own mum about this. In fact, it reminds me about why I've never talked to her about the things that have happened to me (one sexual assault and I also suspect, though my memories are vague, I was sexually abused by a family friend as a child). I know my mum is someone who tends to minimise things and invalidate my feelings about things to avoid confronting her own emotions about whatever has happened. It took me a long time to really understand this and to realise this was why I felt the way I did about a lot of things in my life. It wasn't until I saw her in interaction with my daughter when upsetting things happened that it all clicked. It's a coping mechanism. I suspect her attempt to minimise it and invalidate your pain is a way of confronting her own feelings about it and perhaps even her own experiences if something similar has happened to her.

It's absolutely not okay and it's a sign she needs some help to sort herself out (help which it's not your responsibility to provide, she needs to deal with her baggage on her own). And what happened to you was absolutely not okay and was rape and no doubt your sharing with her should have been met with openness and support and love. She's very wrong. But I think this is more about her and her own inability to cope than it is about you and your feelings and experiences not being justified (they very much are). So please try to see it as that and don't carry this added burden around yourself.

I would try maybe to write her a letter and tell her very directly why what she did hurt you and what you needed from her. I think sometimes these things are easier to communicate in writing when people have a chance to process the shock and think about what they really should and wanted to say. It at least opens the door for her to right the wrong she created. But no, you didn't overreact. I would have hung up on her too in that situation. What she did was wrong and hurtful and you needed her love and support.

Raped you. End off. I am so, so sorry you had to go through that. Forget your Mum you need to seek support elsewhere. Have you a best friend to confide in?

It's often very difficult to have these conversations with people of a certain generation. They believe marriage means eternal consent, a wife can never say no nor can she be raped. We can try and change their minds, or educate them, or just forget about them and wait for them and their views to go extinct, but generally the absolute last thing you can possibly expect from them is sympathy.

I still think she could clearly have known what you wanted - sympathy, reassurance, love - and she could have said what you needed.

When I needed support, I sought out a therapist. I never have, and never will, discuss issues with my family.

Thank you for the replies.

I did not go to the police. It was just over a year ago. Something in my head clicked that night. Before and after the incident he would initiate sex, if I ever said no he would sigh, huff puff, slam things down on the table, ignore me, sometimes snap at the kids and then he would try again. The cycle of saying no and then his response would maybe happen 3 or 4 times before I would just lie there and let him. I never clicked anything was wrong until that night with my newborn next to me.

I've realised over many years my relationship with my mother is dysfunctional and I should of known I shouldn't have talked to her about it. There's a long list of times I've felt so let down by her. I spoke to my sister about it and she just couldn't understand why I talked to her about it knowing what she can be like. My relationship issues with my mother would take forever to explain.

I spoke to rape crisis this morning, which was helpful. Their waiting list for counselling is closed until January. I'm looking into private counselling, I think I need counselling for not only the rape and emotional abuse I went through but also to help me understand my feelings about my mother.

Thank you again for your replies they have greatly helped me.

I want to hug you.

My dm would have said something very similar.

I also identify so much with not understanding why I have told my mother certain things! When I know what she is like.

Thing is that it's natural for us to want to reach out. We want our mums to prove us wrong, to finally do the right thing by us. I'm so sorry she reacted like that. Again I just so understand because my mother would do and has done almost the identical.

He raped you, I am so sorry. You deserve to be safe, happy and at peace. I'm relieved you've spoken to Rape Crisis. I send you my love x