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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What does he want?

20 replies

Whathappensnowthen · 19/10/2017 20:08

I've been seeing a chap that I met online. Well, I say 'seeing'. It's more just hook-ups I guess, but we chatted a lot online beforehand and still do.

To be honest, I thought he'd be a one-off. Not that I wanted him to be (he's lovely!) but as we both have fairly complicated lives with children and exes involved I couldn't really see any future.

However, he's stayed in touch. He's not asked me out on a date, but is in touch every day asking how I am, sometimes talking about when we'll next get to meet up etc. What exactly is this? Friends with benefits? Working up to some sort of relationship? Not really sure what to make of things but don't want to scare him off if there's the chance of something a bit more meaningful. However, if he wanted to date me he could have asked, but hasn't...
Any ideas?

OP posts:

SonicBoomBoom · 19/10/2017 20:10

Maybe he's not ruling out a relationship.

Or maybe he just wants sex.

Ruddygreattiger2016 · 19/10/2017 20:53

Keeping his options open for a shag?

Original poster

Whathappensnowthen · 20/10/2017 10:36

Ah ok, I thought (hoped?) the extra effort involved in staying in touch might actually 'mean' something, but I guess that's me living in cloud cuckoo land!

OP posts:

TangledSlinky · 20/10/2017 10:55

I'd say he's keeping his options open. What does he say when he's talking about when you'll next get to meet up?

SandyY2K · 20/10/2017 10:56

Maybe he's taking time getting to know you. He obviously likes you .... just go with the flow.

NotTheFordType · 20/10/2017 11:15

I would say FWB. He obviously likes the sex and wants there to be more of it, plus he likes you as a person (or he wouldn't be chatting so much, just sending texts when he felt like a bunk up.)

Doesn't mean it's going to go anywhere, doesn't mean it won't.

Hermonie2016 · 20/10/2017 11:20

Have you ever been on a date with him?

I would say you are an option and he might have others on the go.Why not ask him if he is seeing other women?
If you want a relationship, not just fwb, make sure you are not settling for less as it will impact your self esteem.

cakecakecheese · 20/10/2017 12:39

Perhaps he's just seeing how it goes. It's fine not to label things unless you really want to and then you'd need a discussion so you know where you stand, but as you say you have a lot on with kids and stuff I reckon leaving things as they are and see what happens is a good plan...

Original poster

Whathappensnowthen · 20/10/2017 18:31

Well we made plans to have a night away together tonight, but he texted me earlier to ask me to go to his instead. And he wants to cook me a meal. Please tell me this is a good sign??!!

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 20/10/2017 18:35

I am not sure you are cut out for a "hook up" situation.

NotTheFordType · 20/10/2017 18:35

I don't think any of us can tell you that. He might just want to save money on a hotel bill!

Maybe you could just casually ask something like "so if you were to describe me to your friends, what would you say? That I'm your fuck buddy?"

Actually that sounds crap. But I'm sure you could come up with something more subtle!

FeedMeAndTellMeImPretty · 20/10/2017 18:41

Sounds like a bad sign to me! Rather than the expense and effort of a weekend away he's going to pop something in the oven and get a shag instead. Sorry OP, I think you need to step back a bit.

I'm not judging as I met my DP online and shagged him on day one. He was very keen and suggested dates 2 and 3, then freaked out and backed off when he thought it was getting serious. I was upset but said OK I understand. Then he realised he was being a tit and got over himself.

It seems that most men want the whole candy shop of online dating and realising they have to pick one thing scares them. Maybe if you make that one thing a bit less readily available he will decide its the thing he wants!?

Pebbles1989 · 20/10/2017 19:00

He's hoping for more sex with minimal effort and expenditure.

Dozer · 20/10/2017 19:03

Paying for a hotel would be OTT at this stage though.

demirose87 · 20/10/2017 19:15

I'd say not putting all his eggs in one basket as there's other women he's chatting to/ seeing and doesn't want to lead you on by thinking there's more to it. Keeping his options open basically.

Pebbles1989 · 20/10/2017 19:17

Then why suggest a hotel in the first place, only to cancel it?

FeedMeAndTellMeImPretty · 20/10/2017 19:54

To sound like he wants to treat OP nicely , but then withdraw the offer once she agrees.

helhathnofury · 20/10/2017 19:58

Hotel to me would say hook up, cooking you a meal is more what you would do for someone you want some sort of relationship with. But then I've never been involved in online dating malarkey. Times have a changed!

FeedMeAndTellMeImPretty · 20/10/2017 19:58

Hotel to me says hook up, cooking a meal says cheap hook up!

Sunnyx · 20/10/2017 20:02

Whatever he’s doing, doesn’t matter. If YOU like him and could potentially see it going somewhere then don’t sleep with him every time you see him. Suggest going to get something to eat and don’t go back to his. If he doesn’t contact you after that, you know what his intentions are. If he does, I would say he likely likes you too. However, if you just want a fuck buddy, keep doing what you’re doing.

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