Deciding to divorce after years of EA

[WhentoD]

NC for this 😕

I'm so confused. Have summoned the strength to divorce but I'm still so unsure of myself.
H has always had anger problems but is so good at excusing it, saying it's the way i ask things etc. Was controlling with money though not now we're comfortable. That might be because I'm actually quite sensible with money!
I've been scared many times though he hasnt even hit me in nearly 30 years. I met him at 18 and feel hard for him though he admits he did the 'treat them mean keep them keen' strategy.
He's been sexually coercive a lot so i lost any interest though agreed to once a week to stop the moods. There was one occasion of unwanted groping when he'd been in a vile mood with me. He often has unexplained moodiness. Walking on eggshells began 'normal'.
Now after all these years he's gone to councelling and says that due to an alcholic mother (for 5 years from when he was around 10), he thought the way he's been was normal . He is sorry for how it's affected me and our family dynamic, but he can't apologise for something he didn't know was wrong. He also can't help being triggered. He's also forgotten the worse things.
He's trying to mend himself and is depressed so can't trust his judgement re marriage and divorce.
So I've started the process and he's agreed. He says it's my decision.
He projects and stonewalls and makes me feel crazy so why am i questioning myself. Maybe it's because i can't let go of the part i loved?? Help! i just dont know...

Joint counselling is never recommended where there is any type of abuse within the relationship. Abusive men can and do manipulate counsellors into seeing their point of view, after all such men are master manipulators.

You were not put on this earth to help him with his recovery; these men also are beyond recovery and just want some sap of a woman to look after them. Also such men really do hate women, all of them and do not let go of their victim easily.

I actually think your oldest DD will be somewhat relieved as well as sad to be honest with you once you are completely separated from your H. He can still be a parent to her if he chooses to even when you are apart.

Thanks. That's right. It didn't help that the male councellor also had an alcoholic mother and i felt he brought his feelings into the sessions.
I'm not on this earth to help H. That's right too. I am already looking on rightmove and will get a valuation on the house.
I know i would like to feel in control of my own decions, finances etc. Kind of scary when it's all to do but i like the idea of closing the door and he's not inside with me. I do worry that he could manipulate dd and she's such a caring girl.

Oh god, yes...lose rag because I don't (dare) have an opinion, and lose rag when I do because he doesn't agree with it. Fuck sake.

Barely communicate now, but yesterday had a email discussion over one of the children that quick as you could blink turned into a "you're a terrible mother, you didn't contribute to the marriage, you stole my money (divorce settlement lol), you can't say sorry (er, for staying with you for 25 years despite your appalling behaviour??)" .

They don't change.

Always playing the victim. I realise now he's never grown up. He can win every argument because he'll never give in to reason. It's so sad. Why did we stay? I think it's because in between the bad stuff it settles down and then I'd question if it was just normal. Having kids also confuses things.
I was bullied as a child until around 16 by a sibling so maybe i was insecure. But i always put forward my opinion. I just couldn't negotiate with his reasoning. He always had the so-calling winning argument. It's hard to explain the sort of madness that undermined my whole being.
Sounds like you've had the same sadly!

So glad you are planning your move WhentoD

You could also look at the Freedom Programme which works really well for people who have been through abuse and bullying.

Wishing you loads of Luck and better times ahead

Thanks butterfly. I'll look into that.
First challenge is getting his agreement on what to use as unreasonable behaviour. I just want to get the form sent off now and get this underway!
I've accepted i can't rationalise this anymore.

Are you still living together? Has one of you moved out yet? Might be worth getting on with that sharpish

Yes we are still living together. I'm not leaving the family home. We are in separate bedrooms and ceased any physical relationship some time ago (after the final 'rage' which he somehow justified).
We are having our assets valued (mainly pensions) and getting the house ready to sell.
He's actually easier to live with now i know there's no future!

First challenge is getting his agreement on what to use as unreasonable behaviour

Can you see what might be wrong with this sentence? Hint: If you could come to an amicable agreement about emotional matters you wouldn't be in the process of trying to divorce him right now...

Exactly right. He once told me i shouldn't involve him with anything emotional. I should speak to friends instead! He did finally get that that basically meant we didn't have a relationship.
He is in agreement about his unreasonable behaviour and said he won't contest it. I just know from experience that he's unpredictable and rewrites history when he goes off on one. Ie. when he feels he's been unfairly treated (according to the history he has re-written).
He seems stable at the moment...

Run for the hills! If anything, the counselling has given him even more weapons for his arsenal of abuse. If you cave in, his emotional abuse will get worse.

Yes, the marriage guidance was a big mistake because the male councellor kept bringing his own experience of an alcoholic mother into it. There was one moment that shocked me when the councellor showed shocking anger that of course my 'H's' mother could have controlled her alcohol-fuelled abuse - just after he said my H didn't realise he was abusive because of his poor childhood. That double standard confirmed we had the wrong concellor. My H said he liked him because the concellor "understood him".
Now he has a personal councellor but doesn't talk to her about aby of hos more recent 'behaviours' because she's helping him overcome his childhood abuse. She "understands" that he has uncontrollable triggers

Op, you are doing so well.I so much happier without H because I no longer walk on eggshells, I am much more relaxed so feel happier with normal life.I didn't appreciate how tense I had become.

Your insight on dating is exactly how I feel.My ex is the definition of "Mr Nice guy" and I fell for it.However he has a very dark side that I didn't know could exist in the same person.

You deserve to be happy.Our children were sad but they are doing ok.The oldest knows I had to leave and is proud of me for doing so.

Children fear change but they will cope with mum and dad living separately.

Thanks. We can only dig deep and move one step at a time can't we? You sound like you are happy to be at the other side. How long were you with him?
In the meantime, I've been getting retrained, got expensive dental treatment and a new laptop. All part of getting my ducks in a row! Just stuff i won't be able to afford when i go it alone.
Yeah, dating doesn't appeal at all. Need to be happy alone.

It's not quite going to plan. He agrees to start the financial separating (pension valuations and house valuations etc) but doesn't want to start the divorce 'cause there's no urgency'. He wants to divorce by separating so it would take 2 years. Does anyone know if this is likely to cause an issue? It's not as though i ever want to marry again!!
Could he change the terms of the financial agreement before we divorce. He likes to be in control so if i can achieve my aims while he feels in control (mad as that might seem) it will be the path of least resistance.