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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I being out of order?

19 replies

lifesteeth · 11/04/2007 22:12

Everyone knows the issues I have with my partner.

I'm really trying to make it work, simply because the kids like him alot and so I feel its worth a shot...To do this I need to stop getting irritated by almost everything he does .

Anyway he arranged that he would take next week off work for his birthday (tues) and spend it staying with me. I was never overly struck on the idea, simply because I can't really afford to feed an extra person for a week and every other time he's stayed here we've ended up sitting watching day-time TV until 3pm to pick the kids up.

So I told him we should maybe make it Mon-wednesday instead, he said this makes him feel like I only want him around to relieve boredom and that it hurts his feelings to think of me not wanting him here incase I get bored....which was not how it was meant!

Anyway I said as long as we had stuff to do it should be ok...was this a wrong thing to say? He said it would work out ok..

So I've just asked him if he had any ideas for next week, he replied "not really thought about it but money will be tight..." so basically nothing again. And money is so tight he's looking into buying my kids MP3 players just as a gift.

So am I out of order for not wanting him to come down if he's not going to have any money or plans to do anything? should I want him here just to spend time with him, even if it is just watching tv all day every day?

OP posts:

joanna4 · 11/04/2007 22:43

Lots of things dont have to cost we have good weather onside at the mo -a picnic in the park, a walk by the canal lots of places have free entry.If it really is gonna be tight to feed one extra ask him to contribute a bit towards food have a theme night make some pizzas with the kids get the board games out there is loads you could do and you just might both enjoy them.

MrsApron · 11/04/2007 23:06

if you actually liked him you wouldn't mind.

harman · 11/04/2007 23:09

Message withdrawn

theUrbanDryad · 11/04/2007 23:10

lifesteeth - this prolly isn't what you want to hear, but when my dh (before he was my dh) used to come up and visit me, we never used to have any money. just used to sit around watching films all weekend and drinking cheap plonk! it was fab cause i was with a man i really loved. i echo Mrs Apron's sentiments - if you liked being with him it wouldn't matter that you didn't have any money!

what would you do if you did have money anyway?

colditz · 11/04/2007 23:12

sweetheart, you don't like him, do you?

I would (and I am sure you would) love it if I had one of my friends to myself for a week, to help with my kids and talk to me while I do boring house stuff, but if it's someone I don't like, it's different.

tinkymummy · 11/04/2007 23:30

if you're irritated by everyting he does, and you don't even live with him, it's probably doomed.

lou33 · 11/04/2007 23:36

i think if you were into him in any way it wouldnt matter that you stayed in doing nothing, so the fact you dont want to says a lot about your relationship

i'd love to have the chance to do that right now

madamez · 11/04/2007 23:39

You know, if he likes the kids and they like him, he can be a family friend (though when/if he finds another partner he may well disappear). If he's a nice man but you just don't want to bump uglies with him or wake up to his slobbery kisses or whatever, he can still be a friend and a person who you (and your kids) have amicable contact with.There isn't a stark choice between being Official Partner and Cast Out Into the Darkness.
But if he's a classic cocklodger (phrase copyright to Viz) ie bloke who wants to move in with a single mum so he can watch DVDs all day, get fed and supplied with the occasional blowjob, then really, why bother?

hunkermunker · 11/04/2007 23:41

Is he the "man" I think he is and are you the poster I think you are?

moondog · 11/04/2007 23:44

Is this the bloke that farts and snores in bed and never has any money??
If so,I'd marry him immediately.

MrsApron · 11/04/2007 23:53

pmsl at cocklodger.

lou33 · 11/04/2007 23:54

cocklodger - an excellent expression

MrsApron · 12/04/2007 00:01

This is the bloke who spends all his money on crap for himself then expects to sponge off you when he stays?

Lives with his mummy who brings him his meals on a tray to his bedroom?

He sounds like a catch.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/04/2007 09:27

lifesteeth

You have children already, you do not need an immature manchild to run around after as well. Especially one that irritates you.

Why are you with someone like this?. Why sell yourself so short on someone whose such a waste of time?.

You cannot live your life because your children seemingly like him.

Original poster

lifesteeth · 12/04/2007 10:10

Ok...how should I dump him? he always talks me around and makes me feel guilty...makes out that I'm being slefish by not giving him his say etc... and remember we have this holiday booked and paid for, how do we sort that out if we did break up?

OP posts:

mumto3girls · 12/04/2007 10:15

Just tell him, that you seem more like friends than anything else and after the holiday ( if you still both want to go?!?!!) then it's over. End of story.

mumto3girls · 12/04/2007 10:16

If you loved him you'd be in bed all the hours that the kids were at school making hay while the sun shined!! iykwim..

Freckle · 12/04/2007 10:20

Could you find someone else to go with who would reimburse him his share? If he irritates you this much at the thought of spending a week at home, how irritated would you be on holiday with him? It's not worth sticking with him simply because of some financial arrangement.

hunkermunker · 12/04/2007 12:52

Buy out his share of the holiday - do you have a friend or relative who'd come with you? Or could you afford to just give him the money for his bit and go with the children?

You'll end up spending more on the holiday on him than it would cost to buy his share out, I bet you anything you like - he'll spend all his on the first day and ask you to sub him.

The only thing you should be feeling guilty about is staying with this pathetic worm and allowing him to be any sort of role model to your boys. Truly, you need shot of him.

Have you any hobbies? Have you anyone who can babysit for you while you go out in the evenings to learn a language, learn to paint, go to the cinema, meet friends, go to the pub, etc, etc? You cannot let this "man" run your life. What a waste if you do!

Email me, if you want support to help ditch him. I am firmly on your side here - hunkermunker at gmail dot com

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