Don't know how to cope with my mum anymore!

[milkywayss]

I've NC'd for this as it's quite embarrassing and i don't want it linking to my usual name.

I live relatively close to my family home, where my mum, dad and 4 younger siblings live.

I've been seeing a man for the past 6 months, he lives in another city so it's kind of long distance but not long distance iyswim. It's about 45 minutes to him from where I am now. I usually travel to him and stay with him for a couple of days a week. I prefer it that way. It suits us both .

However, my mum HATES my boyfriend. She's not met him yet it's only been 6 months but she thinks he should be a full member of the family, popping round to her house to see how she is, doing little jobs for her etc etc. I think that's ridiculous. It also really puts me off bringing him back to meet my family

She says that I've changed since seeing him, I've become more self absorbed and I only care about myself. If I tell her things about him she point blank refuses to talk to me about it. But then she claims I don't tell her anything. If I tell her I'm not going to be about for a few days (as I'm staying with him and wouldn't want her to worry about not seeing me around - it's a very close knit community) she freaks out and refuses to talk to me for a few days

She's called me stupid, a slag and that if anything bad happened to me then I most likely deserve it for putting my boyfriend first.

I feel really trapped because I love him but I also love my mum & the rest of my family, but I feel like she's making me choose between him and them. What can I do?!

Sorry it's so long, I didn't want to leave out any info

Stop telling her anything about him.

Don't talk about him at all, whether she raises it or you raise it.

If anyone called me a stupid slag it wouldn't be them choosing not to talk to me I'd walk out. I might consider talking to them again if I got a good enough apology.

Why do you go back for more?

@RunRabbitRunRabbit I don't know why I keep going back. I guess it's because she's so difficult otherwise, and she will make contact with the rest of my family extremely difficult (they're all kind of 'under her spell' IYSWIM)

Have you heard of being trapped in the FOG? Fear Obligation and Guilt.

@RunRabbitRunRabbit no I've not, is that in relation to me or my family?

Try this book about emotional blackmail which explains it rather well.

Your M has behaved appallingly. Do not let her ruin your life.
Google Toxic Parents. Read the Toxic Parents book. Join us on the Stately Homes thread, her on Relationships. 💐

Your mother wants to come first with you. Now you’re adult, she doesn’t. Don’t let her use emotional blackmail on you.

Can you move further away from her? I'd hate my mum knowing all my comings and goings and she's far more reasonable than your ridiculously overbearing mother.

Sounds like you would be better off cutting contact. She sounds like a horrible nasty person. If she makes it tricky for you to see other family members, you need to contact them on your own and explain the situation. If they don't listen to you, just move on. Don't keep her in your life just because of other people.

Your mum actually sounds very controlling and horrible. So you have to choose her over your happiness and future?

Move further away from her and tell her to get lost.

You are a grown woman!!

Google 'narcisist' you will find your mother in there.
And I agree.
Go minimal contact.
Stop telling her anything about you or your life other than mundane stuff like work or shopping.
Don't tell when you will be out of town.
You need to stop enabling her to treat so badly.
As another PP said also google 'F.O.G.'

Something to think about. You may think that your reasonably new boyfriend is all that is wonderful. He is your choice. Your mother is expected to care as much as you for someone she has not even met. She does not know him.

Despite the fact that you are an adult your mother still sees you as her daughter and she likely wants the best for you. She may be wondering about this male who has not been brought to meet the family. Why is this? Is it him? Is it mother father and siblings?
You are being a bit unfair to expect her to appreciate someone she does not know. Perhaps she is offering a place in the family to your boyfriend by thinking he should call round to her house.
It is often difficult to have feelings about someone you have never met but who is talked about a lot. It is not easy to feel nice about someone who apparently takes you the daughter away from the family several days per week

She feels threatened (losing control over you) and is lashing out to get your attention.

You are an adult and entitled to a private life. She should be happy that you are happy.

She does not get to call you stupid or a slag.

You need to take a step back, let her complain etc if you can bear it and get on with running your life however you see fit.

My DH didn't meet my parents for a year, when they did there was mutual respect and a lovely effort by my family to welcome him - but he didn't owe them anything and certainly not DIY!!.

User02 - this mother clearly is a narcissist who wants to control her daughter. Just because someone is your mother doesn't mean that they know what is best for you. I don't think her mother is taking into account her daughters feelings at all.

If that was my mother I would do everything to ensure that she would never meet my partner.

Thanks for all of your replies, it's appreciated

I've tried to not tell her things but it only gets worse, so I tell her the bare minimum (for example, if she invites me around I'll say "oh no sorry I'm not at home") but she keeps on and on until she finds out where I am. Although once she finds out I'm with him, she's not interested because I deserve to be unhappy.

I would love to move further away, but sadly it's not financially viable with work/rent etc. Though I am saving up for it!

Regarding cutting contact completely, because my dad and siblings are so 'controlled' (not sure if that's the right word) by her, if she disapproves they won't talk to me, so I lose my relationships with them which I really don't want

I just feel... stuck, and I don't know what to do

This is a hard reality but if your siblings and dad don't care enough about you to stay in contact then you are better off without them.

However in my own personal experience when one person stops pandering to the tantrums then others have the nerve to do it too. You can see it in yourself, you don't want to stop because no-one else has stopped so you assume they won't stop.

If you go properly low contact then she can't go on and on at you because you won't be there talking to her.

Why do rent and work mean you can't move? Young, single, no children, surely that makes it easy to find a job at the other end of the country or in another country? Do you live with your mother?

I'm sorry but I think you need to grow a thicker hide - she won't change so you need to change how you react to her bullying and manipulation. She used to being in charge and she wont give that up (and will probably threaten all sorts if forced to). But as I said upthread you are a grown up and deserve your own life, but you are going to have to work for it.

And have a look over at the stately homes threads. They may have great practical suggestions for how you get used to managing her behaviour without caving.

My grandmother was similar and my mum never successfully overcame it.

If I tell her I'm not going to be about for a few days (as I'm staying with him and wouldn't want her to worry about not seeing me around - it's a very close knit community)

So the whole community knows your business?

Don't behave as though you're still living under her roof.
You need to set your own rules and boundaries and be strong in enforcing them.
Such as, she keeps pestering for an explanation - you just cut her off with 'gotta go, bye' and put the phone down.
She calls you names - walk away from her/put the phone down. You don't need to hang around listening to it.
Don't give her details on your life no matter how much she whinges, give her the Gray Rock treatment.

Re your siblings, how old are they?
Those who are old enough to contact you/use social media can do so themselves
Let them know they're always welcome to contact/see you in confidence/secret if it helps them

I completely appreciate what you're saying about moving away etc - and I wish I could. However I've recently got my 'big break' in my career and it's only really available where I am now iyswim - don't want to give too much info and out myself.

Where I live is a close knit area, if anyone isn't seen for a few days you do notice it. And my mum likes to keep a tight reign on me.

I couldn't really afford to move further away and commute to work, it's just not viable. Which is shit but it's the way it is at the moment.

My siblings are between 11-20, and although I do have contact with them my mum does make it difficult for them if she's unhappy with me.

I don't tell her things voluntarily anymore, that's long gone. But she asks and pesters and so I give in and have her tell me I put my boyfriend over my family, rather than have her yelling at me (publicly) about how I never tell her anything.

I know the best thing for me regarding her is to completely cut her off and go no contact, but I can't bear the thought of losing everyone else in my family

Try going very low contact then!............and stop making excuses.

She doesn't have a 'tight reign' on you - YOU are giving her the ammunition to control you with.
So what if people notice?
Why do you feel obliged to explain yourself to them?
The small-town/village mentality is never going to change so YOU have to

Yea, she'll make it difficult for your siblings if they remain in contact with you - but that's their circus to manage.
DON'T assume responsibility for their actions - they're old enough to learn how to manage that info

So what if she pesters you?
Don't GIVE her the time to pester you - leave the room/put the phone down

I know you feel like you will 'lose' your siblings, but you've already 'lost' them if not even a single one of them can make the effort to maintain a relationship with you despite having the means to

Nothing will change until you realize that you are the one who is allowing her to go "on and on" until you finally tell her your personal business. I have no doubt your mother has always been like this, and you will obviously never change her. Now you have to change how you deal with her.