How to deal with bullying ex?

[ryanne]

Just that really. Have a DS 8 with an abusive, unreasonable bully. He has DS 2 nights a week and to be honest I hate sending him there.
My son is nervous and anxious going,and comes home and tells me stuff that's happened and then BEGS me not to say anything to his dad because dad has told him not to tell me, and he'll get into big trouble. Whenever I have brought something up with ex he says that DS is lying, which I'm sure he's not as it's the way ex behaved when we were together.
The man is always picking fault with DS and nothing he does is good enough.

There have been several blow ups over the years, mainly that I'm a sh*t mom in all aspects, even down to petty stuff like not buying the 'right' clothes (he regularly throws clothes away that i/family have bought DS if he doesn't like them)He has withheld maintenance at times, and then decided he would reduce it (this was after he found out I had taken DP out for his birthday to a posh restaurant). He told my son that mommy and mummy's DP were 'stealing his money'.

I'm very calm normally, try not to converse, don't get into arguments, and don't react when DS tells me the awful things ex has said. I realise that my son will make up his own mind that mommy is none of these things ex accuses me if being.

DS lost something at school the other day and they phoned me as he was upset. I said to tell him not to worry, these things happen.
Later got a call from ex asking me if I knew what 'your son had done' When I explained that school had called he started screaming down the phone that It was a big deal, and my attitude to these types of things was the reason my son is 'how he is'. (Son is fine~absolutely nothing wrong with him, I couldn't be prouder)

I'm at the end of my rope with this, and I'm not sure how to deal with him anymore, being calm and not rising to it is not working and I feel like all i get is constant abuse, and feel like a doormat. The man is so controlling and aggressive and if I'm honest he scares me.

I have to got to see him for a school function later and am anxious to see him. I feel like I am doing my child an injustice by not sticking up for him and me more, but it a waste of breath as I'm shouted down every single time.

Any advice is appreciated.

I too have a bully for an ex - can you approach the courts and rearrange his access to your son? I am not an expert at all but if your son is anxious it's not quality time with his dad!! Make sure everything is logged, when he has his son, record any conversations, keep test messages etc. Good luck honey xxx

How does he behave at school functions? Have you talked to school?
Has your son spoken about any of this at school?

I would request that the school give your son some support. If he speaks about his Dad without prompting at school then that could trigger interventions. If your son is showing signs of anxiety then take him to the GP.
I would also stop all communication with your Ex except about your son, which doesn't involve him yelling at you about something your son has done. On the whole doesn't send your son in clothes that you have bought or just ones like school uniform (as long as you get it back) and cheap stuff.
If your ex is very abusive you can request separate appointments for things like parent evenings (it is a pain for schools but not unknown).

Is this contact court ordered?
If he messes with maintenance then it might be worth using CMS?

Do also keep a diary to record things your son says, how he is after visits etc.

Your son is not far off having a legal voice in this.

In the meantime I would minimise contact with your ex. Do everything on text so you have a record. Only respond to messages about logistics. Ignore anything emotive, accusations etc. When you text back it's very non emotive, to the point and business like. On drops offs don't engage. Be civil or just nod.

Go through CMS for maintenance.

You can't control what he tells your son but you can control how much the ex gets to you, the control he has over you etc. Because this is what his behaviour is about. Him controlling you. You just focus on showing your son with love and tell the school what's happening.