Affair advice - please don't flame me

[ontheveranda]

I know I was in the wrong, I know I did something I shouldn’t have but I could do with some advice.

I met Bloke A and had a ‘relationship’ with him nearly 3 years. Which I now realise was very much one sided and I have come to realise he is a true narcissist and I don’t know how I was so blinded by it before.

I stopped speaking to Bloke A, met DH, had a whirlwind romance (10 months) and got married in 2017. As we got back from our honeymoon little cracks started to appear, we didn’t get along as well as we did before and settling in to married life was hard. DH also did a few things which stopped me trusting him - I don’t want to go in to too much detail but petty little things which kind of added up. I know this is no excuse whatsoever but just trying to explain my state of mind.

After 4 months of being married Bloke A messages me. I responded, and it led to him asking for us to meet. I held off for a few weeks and caved. Like the stupid person that I am. This stayed like this, on and off, for 11 months. In this time. I decided I was going to leave DH because it wasn’t fair on him and I was driving myself crazy with the guilt. Bloke A is getting married in May. To someone he really doesn’t want to marry but sees as back up (I know this bit is true, I’ve seen text messages between him and various people saying the same thing).

I honestly thought I would leave DH and then Bloke A and I would ride off in to sunset together (stupid I know). Bloke A told me last night, he doesn’t have any feelings for me and also doesn’t know why I have feelings for him. I know I was weak, but he messaged me first, telling me he missed me, he loved me, I made a mistake, it was always him etc. I’m so angry with Bloke A, I’m so hurt and upset and I feel like the guilt is eating me up inside.

I want to tell DH but I know that would only make myself feel better and him feel shit. I honestly don’t know what to do, I messaged Bloke A a whole load of abuse last night, I said horrible things I would never say to anyone ever, but I was so hurt.

It kills me to have to put a ‘brace face’ on in front of DH when all I want to do is break down and cry that I have been so stupid but also crazily, that I will never see Bloke A again.

Has anyone ever been in a similar position? What did you do? Did you stay and keep quiet or did you tell the truth and deal with the fallout? Any advice appreciated.

I do have a counsellor I see, and we’ve touched on the subject of Bloke A and DH.... And I know it might sound stupid but in all honesty I’m even ashamed to tell her everything that’s been going on.

Tell her. Own your reality to one person in real life. She is trained to help you process what has happened and what you've done and help you move through it.

I'm not as big on telling posters to tell other people everything as some people on Mumsnet. I've never posted that someone needs to tell their spouse everything because sometimes, that's like setting off a bomb.

BUT your counselor is the right person to tell. Telling her is your first step to making peace with yourself.

Hi OP

I could have written this post myself.

I was with DH when I also get involved with a narcissist behind DH back. We were on and off for a year, mainly an emotional affair as we only had sex once.

He was so up and down it was unreal. At first he would tell me he loved me and how he would love me to be his wife, all the usual crap to suck me right in. I fell for him hook line and sinker, but it was one sided. He would hardly talk to me sometimes then other days he would be all over me. He would only talk when he wanted to and if I initiated a conversation by text he would ignore me for hours or tell me he's fucking busy or I would get told to 'fuck off weirdo'.

I've blocked him before but he managed to get in touch other ways.

He has finally gone now, had his use with me, got bored and moved on. But it has left me very insecure.

Ive decided to divorce DH because i cheated and I can't love him if I've done this. He doesn't know about the narcissistic knob.

@TartWithTheCart35 wow that’s exactly me. He used to call me nearly in tears begging for me to talk to him, telling me he loved me, how much he missed me, how much we could still make this work.. I was living in some fantasy land that I could leave DH and live this happy life with Bloke A. Real life doesn’t work that way but I was out of my depth.

How did you get over your narcissistic ex? Is it just because he disappeared? That scares me because Bloke A has gone and come back so many times that I’m scared he’ll come back again and I’ll fall in to the same stupid trap. One message from him and I forget all the bad stuff, i stupidly go back to all the good times. He has literally broken me and I would still give him the time of day. He doesn’t deserve it at all but I know hand on heart I would go running.

What did you say to Your DH when you split up? Was there no way forward for your relationship at all? Right now I think me and DH could still do this. But the horrible part of me thinks I’m only saying that as Bloke A has taken himself out of the picture.

I go back and forth so much in my own head, I’m my own worst enemy.

I’m scared he’ll come back again and I’ll fall in to the same stupid trap

I had a narcissist in my life once who really messed with my head. It was a woman, not a man, and all the details are different. But at the end, I honestly didn't know what was real any more.

The out of the fog web site I posted earlier is really good. Be honest with your therapist -- therapy helped me get my life back. May be try journaling. Yoga was really helpful for me because it was practicing breathing and being calm, and just being present in my body.

I think that no matter what guy A does, you have to be zero contact. You have to block him every way you can. Change your social media accounts, change the places you go, do whatever you have to do to protect yourself.

Nothing with him was real. It was all an act and a mind game just to mess with you.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Knowing what it was like for me is part of the reason that I don't think telling your spouse everything right now would be helpful. Get your head on straight first, make peace with reality, work with your therapist, and just take it one day at a time.

Thanks @CoyoteCafe, wow just to think of it all being fake for him makes my mind boggle. How can someone do that someone else and mess them around so badly? Every time I fell for him, he dropped me. But he knew I would fall for him time and time again. I was so stupid and fell in to his trap each time.

Right now, I don’t think I’m gonna tell DH. We seem better at the moment and maybe that’s because drawing a line under Bloke A has made me unconsciously more appreciative/closer(?) to DH.

I’ll probably completely change my mind again tomorrow

You keep banging on about bloke A doing this and that but he didn't force you did he.

Your dh might be in love with you but he's in love with a fake version of you. Don't be so arrogant to say that he wouldn't leave you. Do you honestly believe that? I think if he knew the truth he'd be off!

The first two sentences of your last post could be said about you op!

I feel sorry for your dh. You have zero respect for him.

It's actually laughable that you think you're closer now because you've drawn a line under bloke A. Only you didn't, he binned you leaving you no other option.

Leave your husband. He deserves better.

I feel sorry for you but I really think you must tell your husband. Do not make the mistake of thinking he will never find out. It might not be for years but sooner or later these things have a way of coming to the surface. Especially if your Bloke A is a big an asshole as he sounds, he could even tell your DH or his girlfriend could find out and tell him.

I found out about my husbands affair about 2 months ago. It was 2 years ago and stopped when I got pregnant. I’m sure he thought it was all in the past and I’d never find out, but find out I did and in the most random way nobody could have predicted. If he had told me at the time and been honest I probably would have forgiven him. As it is, we are separated, because he lied and kept it secret.

Your DH may already know on some level something is going on. I know I did. If you keep it to yourself you will push him away with your guilt. You won’t be able to be truly emotionally intimate with him because of this huge secret. It will ruin your marriage even if he never finds out. You might find the cognitive dissonance is too great; how could you cheat on this lovely man? So you’ll tell yourself he’s not that lovely, you don’t really love him, and you’ll start treating him like shit. I think of some of the times my husband was a bastard to me over the last few years and I’m sure that’s why.

If you tell him and go to counselling together, you have a chance to move forward in authenticity. If the words are too hard to find, write him a letter. Let him know that yes, you screwed up but he can still trust you because you’re honest.

@exhaustedmumof4 sorry to hear about what happened to you. At the moment I still haven’t decided if I’ll be telling DH. I know I should but I have an appt with my counsellor next week. I just want to discuss it with her, get it all out and then decide on what to do.

Bloke A is a vile horrible man. I think you probably need to leave your husband because you went back to an ex, which I think is different from a run of the mill affair (if there is such a thing). It suggests to me that you never really wanted your dh.

Stay away from bloke A, he wants to damage you.

One thing screams out here. You aren't taking responsibility for your actions.

If from the beginning you told him you're in a relationship/married and he needs to leave you alone...this wouldn't have happened.

You didn't fully close the door because you still have a thing for him.

If another guy pursues you and the chemistry develops you'd probably fall into another affair and it's because you settled for your DH and ignored the whole lack of something wildly sexual between you.

The fact that you wouldn't tell guy A to f* off is quite worrying.