Be my friend and listen?

[HazelGraceLancaster]

NC as don't want this linked wih my usual user name - been jere for around 10yrs on and off though.

We are both being unreasonable I think but we are the same as we always have been I think.

I don't know how to even word this so please bear with me. This morning started off with an argument about toddler son in our bed. We currently cosleep, initially because ds wouldn't sleep in his own bed and as I was bf it was just easier. As he got a bit older I tried him in the cot which he hated - screams and screams so I abandoned it and continued with the cosleeping. H makes remarks about it, which on occasion turn into arguments. They are not always about the cosleeping arrangement, sometimes about our other children and how I never listen to him (I don't agree with this observation tbh, yes I know that I do tend do do things my way but I don't do it as a direct disregard for Hs view, just that it makes sense this way or it works best just now and I'll tackle it at a later days - the cosleeping falls into this category I suppose). There is no other option that cosleeping atm anyway as the room ds is meant to be using is in the midst of getting decorated and there is carpet to go down to but I digress.

H asks if this is just how it is going to be. He shorts and I cry, I very rarely shout but do cry a lot during conversations and withdraw, rarely speaking. He wants to have these big conversations and try to problem solve things that I honestly don't think are issues. He asks if I'm going to change, come up with solutions. He calls me a liar or says I answer certain ways just to get him to stop. I probably do. I never remember exact parts we have spoken about as I tune out...this infuriates him.

We have 3 dc, together 14yrs, I am currently a SAHP (my choic) and I do feel it is relevant, his dad died last year. When we are not in the midst of argument we are relatively happy, though he says he is never happy anymore not really, the arguments happen maybe every 3 months or so. Right now I want to run so far away but we are skint, I have no family support here and no real friends that I can talk to. I just feel so isolated and alone especially at times like this.

He just called to say he wants to have another chat when the kids are in bed. I can't see how its going to go well. I don't know what to do anymore, I'm just stood here sobbing. He says I seem fine the next day but how can I not appear fine, the kids are miserable to see me upset this morning. I put on a front for them.

I don't even know why I am posting this. I'm just so sad.

[F3Or]

"I don't agree with this observation tbh, yes I know that I do tend do do things my way but I don't do it as a direct disregard for Hs view, just that it makes sense this way or it works best just now and I'll tackle it at a later days - the cosleeping falls into this category I suppose"

This statement shows that you are minimising his feelings and are not listening to him and his different point of view and experience.

It sounds like your h is supremely frustrated with the way you act and behave and wants to talk things through to save the relationship and make it work.

You refuse to engage (zone out, disengage) it will be a matter of time before there is a serious breakdown of the relationship.

Why are you so unwilling to listen to his feelings and try and negotiate a compromise? What's that all about?

[F3Or]

"I don't agree with this observation tbh, yes I know that I do tend do do things my way but I don't do it as a direct disregard for Hs view, just that it makes sense this way or it works best just now and I'll tackle it at a later days - the cosleeping falls into this category I suppose"
Just to make clear it's not ALL about HIS feelings but you seem to willingly ignore his frustrations and march on with the way things work for you. There are two (5) in the relationship, why are you not engaging with h's point of view and perspective?

[F3Or]

" He calls me a liar or says I answer certain ways just to get him to stop. I probably do. I never remember exact parts we have spoken about as I tune out...this infuriates him."

This sounds very tedious. Do you love him? What's do you like about this man?

[HazelGraceLancaster]

Ds is 15m.

I love him very much or this would be a no brainer.

I don't intentionally minimise his feelings it's just how I get when in that situation, fight or flight...i suppose my reaction is a form of flight by ignoring/not engaging.

He is very frustrated and I am very sad. I just don't know what to do.

[HazelGraceLancaster]

H sleeps in bed with us too...its a king size.

[Cricrichan]

Basically, you're home with the kids so.You know what works for you and the kids. 15 month old and cosleeping isn't bad.

Tell your dh that you have to do things in a way that works for you. When he has the kids he can do things his way. Tell him that you do.zone our because he's continually having a go at you about your parenting decisions.

If he wants to try and get him in his own room, then you'll go away for a few days and he can take over. (If you're happy with that)

[Conniedescending]

Your husband is trying to talk to you - you need to listen, really listen and not disregard his comments out of hand

[Inexperiencedchick]

I'm sorry 💐 you are going through this.

[HazelGraceLancaster]

I know I need to listen. It's hard when he is shouting, I just close up and become sullen. I know I do this, it's what I've always done same as H shouts. I can't get a word in edgeways at times, not that is have anything to say.

He is at work until 5. A whole day to.sit and worry about how it's going to go tonight.

I hate how sad he is, and how I'm a part of that...but I'm sad too a lot of the time. We seem to be stuck in this vicious cycle with no way out.

[ZaphodBeeblerox]

OP, gently, you're being quite unfair to your DH. He is frustrated, he is asking about the long-term plan but it sounds like you are unwilling/unable to listen. And you keep saying what he wants to hear but not implementing any of the changes.

And he is trying repeatedly to tell you this situation is not sustainable. Either leave him, or start genuinely engaging. But it's abusive to force someone to stay in a relationship by making promises you can't keep and then just crying when challenged.

We hear so many stories on here of men disengaging, turning away etc. Here is a like who seems to be trying very hard to engage and solve the problem. And it's okay to make a decision that co sleeping is fine for now and you'll revisit in 3 months etc. But it's not okay to fob him off with lies and then cry when he gets frustrated.

[Mirrormirrorotw]

Whilst I don't agree with the way he seems to be talking to you, he is clearly frustrated. Yes, calling you a liar etc, being very confrontational is not helping the communication but if he's feeling ignored then you need to address this by listening, offering up suggestions and asking how he feels about those.

Perhaps come up with a timeframe for having DS in their own bed? Come up with a plan together for how you're going to work together to achieve this. If you change the way you respond and he continues to call you a liar etc perhaps point out to him, calmly and respectfully, that you want to sort the issue as a team and you do not appreciate him speaking to you that way and that using accusations like that doesn't help the situation.

If after you've changed the way you listen and respond he carries on in the same vein then it's him with the communication issue and you need to look at the relationship dynamics and see if you're really happy with how those are playing out

[SinglePringle]

You do seem to be minimising his feelings and part in your child rearing. It must be frustrating for him (and for you that he wants input when you’re the one at the coal face with the kids). You’re also heading into tonight’s discussion with a ‘what’s the point’ attitude. Not great for either of you.

Instead of spending the day worrying, why don’t you write down how you feel? Give yourself some space to crystallise your feelings about why you want to co-sleep etc. Head into tonight’s chat with a different attitude. Decide to!

Don’t focus on how he delivers the message - focus on the meaning of his words.I

If you approach the chat with a different attitude, so might your husband. You might get a happier resolution.

[Rainallday]

I think the main issue in your relationship is both of your communication styles and habits - the shouting and the withdrawing. There's always going to be things you approach differently but you need to be able to talk things through without it turning into this unsolveable argument. I'd consider relationship counselling to focus on both of you learning and practising a more positive way of discussing things without it ending in stalemate every time. If not counselling sessions then you both need to be up for improving things and willing to read around how to communicate and then discuss how it applies to your relationship. With co sleeping etc you need to get to the point where you both feel listened to and understood and can agree on how to go forward as a team.

[HazelGraceLancaster]

Thank you.

It's frustrating because one of the things I said this morning was that once d's was moving into his room we'd sort it and he picked up on that and made it quite clear I would be sorting it as it's all been me so far wrt ds sleeping arrangements so I need to fix it. I don't feel that is supportive to me either...I do the bulk of the childcare, and I feel resentful of that because I don't get a break so that is clouding my judgement in this too I suppose. I'm still bf ds and I think my emotions are heightened because of this but it's an excuse.

I am sat looking at train times and would go in a heartbeat but I don't think it would help as we have left it on a very sour note this morning and it would just fester.

I find it so hard to articulate what I am feeling without crying...its not just out of fear or whatever but frustration too because I am crying! The plan is to get ds moved once his room is done and it will be hard, I know it will but I will do it...the room isn't ready though so I can't do that just now.

[Groovee]

Why don’t you write a list?

Maybe that will help you articulate your feelings more than zoning out and crying. It’s not about challenging but learning to talk and work through the issues which you both feel are going on.

[gamerchick]

If he just shouts then what’s the point of trying to engage? He sounds like a bit of a bully but I acknowledge he might just be frustrated but I swear there’s something tiresome about someone wanting a big chat to problem solve an issue they say exists and knowing you’re just going to get shouted at at x time

Tbh no relationship should make you cry.

Co sleeping works, I did it for years and he’s in his own bed now. They all end up in their own bed. Personally I would be sorting out the bairns room. Sticking a double bed in and leaving shouty arse to his own devices. What’s the rush getting the bairn in his own bed? Winter is coming and he’ll sleep much better with a warm body than on his own by the sounds of it.

It sounds as if he’s happy to leave the bulk of the house and parent graft to you and dish out his orders he expects you to comply with and do by yourself.

[HazelGraceLancaster]

Gamerchick you made me laugh with winter is coming big GoT fans here! I have mentioned about a double bed for ds room but he isn't keen for whatever reason it would just be easier for feeding though I do want to try and night wean soon - he feeds worse than he did as a newborn through the night.

A list is a good idea...I will try and cobble something together today though have no clue what I would put on it.

[SleepingStandingUp]

OP do you know why you cry and withdraw? Is OT just a H thing or does it go back further? Understanding why you close down might help you to stop it.
Your DH needs to stop yelling. It doesn't help you talk and there are 3 kids upstairs listening.

Could you BOTH write it down? What is borheeing you the most. Your response to each other. Then he can't yell at you and if you find yourself unable to talk you can still communicate.

If you're feeling tearful most of the time perhaps its also worth talking to your doctor

[gamerchick]

All mine got double beds from the off, they’re handy for illness as well as breastfeeding. Yanno when you have to be quick with the sick bowl.

Do your list of points and if he listens then great. Hopefully he’ll not just shout louder.

[HazelGraceLancaster]

It does go back further, my mum was in several abusive relationships. My sister and I would sit upstairs crying.

I don't think I need to speak to a Dr - I'm only down when it's related to H and arguments. I'm fine unless I think about the arguments

[swingofthings]

The dynamics in my marriage are exactly the opposite! What you DH says is what I say and your reaction is very much thst of my OH. I too feel that he doesn't listen because whatever I tell him which comes from the frustrations I experience is being totally ignored because he can't seem capable to put himself in my shoes and see things from my perspective. Instead he thinks how he would react or feel and then take actions on this basis telling me what I should do accordingly. It leaves even more frustrated.

It sounds like deep inside you have no interest or intention to stop co sleeping because doing so meet your needs but use excuses because deep inside you know that otherwise you might to consider doing something about it which you don't want to so you really don't want to discuss it.

How about the fact that it is causing your DH problems? Maybe he wants to rekindle your intimacy which this prevents. Or maybe it is impacting on his sleep which then causes him problems with his job? Both these reasons would be valid as to why change should be considered even if you are happy with the way things are currently.

So do listen to him and accept that strong relationships are those where compromises are made on both sides and each listen to the other, not just hear but emphasize with the other's feelings.

[ferrier]

On a practical note, I sometimes co-slept with a toddler in a single bed. It's quite easy really.
On the communication issue, whilst I can understand it's difficult for you to engage while being shouted at, is it possible for you to not zone out and to take on board and do or meet half way some of his suggestions - just so he knows that you are actually listening.
What would be even better would be to find a way of communicating that works for you both. Could you maybe sit at a table and have a discussion more like a business meeting? Make an agenda. Have a few ground rules. No shouting. No disengaging. Work through the points. Agree on compromises or where there are no compromises possible agree that the points will be equally shared ie. if you get your way on two points dp gets his way on two points. And then follow through with it.

[SleepingStandingUp]

Fair enough about the docs.

Have you / could you tell him that shoitong is really triggering for you and the reason you shot down so the rules of chat are he has to talk not yell and you have to listen not close down?

[goodnightfeast]

My DH and I had very similar dynamics in our marriage for years. We went to counselling and it REALLY helped us. I found it so empowering, because DH had to sit there and STFU and listen, with the counsellor holding space for each party to say what they needed/wanted to say. I got so much stuff out, stuff that I'd repressed through feeling that I would always just be shouted down.

I'd really recommend it. Whole new level of self-respect and respect for one another.