Really struggling - porn

[VEmbarassed]

When my DH and I got together he admitted he watched a lot of porn. I absolutely hate porn and told him so, but it wasn't too much of an issue because we were having regular sex so he wasn't needing to use it. He started to question the industry and what he was watching and started having quite a lot of guilt about it.

Then I got really really ill, was on powerful medications that completely eliminated my sex drive to the point I couldn't stand any physical contact. It caused huge issues for us understandably. Inevitably he went back to the porn and was using it every day. I knew I had no right to argue because he wasn't getting anything else so I basically decided to block it out, let him get on with it and not think about it. This sadly went on for a long time but eventually it improved and we went back to having a fantastic sex life. After a year or so I got pregnant with twins - sex stopped by the third trimester as I was in a lot of pain. I had a traumatic birth, months in nicu, pumping every two hours - I was broken mentally and physically, my hormones were screwed and my sex drive was gone again. He was spending an hour and a half in the bathroom every morning, obviously I knew what he was doing but again I blocked it out. I definitely didn't want to think about what he was watching because what I imagined was hideous and I'm 100% sure that the reality is worse.

It's taken me until now for my sex drive to come back, and it's come back with full force. We've had sex every day for nearly a week and it's been great. He hasn't looked at any porn since he's had no need (he works from home so I'm well aware of what he's doing or not doing).

Earlier on we were half jokingly looking at an adult online shop and making jokes about buying this or that. He accidentally flippantly referred to some crazy, horrific device that I didn't know existed and then was quite clearly remembering something he'd seen and laughing. It was like a switch flipped in my brain and 8 years of upset has come flooding out.

I want to be clear - I don't blame him at all for looking at it, he has a high sex drive and he was taking care of it, and stayed with me through a long period of abstinence and he is a wonderful husband and father. But honestly thinking of all the stuff he must have seen, knowing that stuff he likes to do and wants to do with me come from what I know would be really grotty and exploitative porn, it has all just overwhelmed me and I feel physically sick. I really didn't ever want to think about and feel all this stuff but I can't switch my brain off now, the floodgates have opened and I have been in tears all night, and really trying not to be.

I know that porn isn't a big deal for some women and that's fine, that's your prerogative. Personally I find it misogynistic and exploitative and I know he's not watching any softcore nonsense, from the way he is I know he's watching stuff that would sicken me if I saw the reality of it. Once when I was working away he called me drunk one night and was in tears about how ashamed he was by the stuff he was into. I asked him outright whether he meant stuff where people were not consenting as I would have a massive problem with that and he said categorically no. Beyond that I haven't asked and don't want to know, but I have a good idea.

We have such an amazing relationship otherwise but I am really struggling with this. I need to get past it - I know that my problems have pushed him back into it and I do not blame him at all, I don't want to feel like this but what do I do? I don't want to start talking to him about it, we generally can talk about anything but I don't think I can talk about this. There's just too much stuff caught up in it.

@emb ok hun x

So; the problem is not the use of porn in itself.

But his level of obsession with it; that is causing deceptive behaviour, employment difficulties and isolation.

Porn use often spirals downwards. When first viewed, the viewer gets a sexual thrill from seeing someone performing basic sex acts. This eventually becomes boring so they move onto hardcore stuff. This too will eventually become boring as it loses the thrill the user initially felt

This is why there is so much horrendous degrading porn out there, to be the next level for people to feel that thrill they need to get off.

Unfortunately, in my line if work, I deal with people who take it to the next level to get that thrill, which can be underage / child abuse videos. The actual number of men who view these in the UK would frighten people. Our phone lines are often full up with people not able to get through who need help as they're worried about their viewing habits that have got out if control. And this is just the ones who admit to it and seek help

The majority of these are people who started on normal porn. It's very naive to think porn is normal and cool and healthy to use. It is highly addictive.

Op if your partner has been crying about his use he likely has an addiction and may benefit seeming help to stop his porn use. It can be done and men who manage to quit often report feeling lighter,happier and mentally more healthy when they no longer watch porn.

Good luck

Thanks everyone. One thing I can say with absolute certainty is that he would never look at child abuse images. Due to experiences in my life and some of his close family members, child abuse is something we've discussed on many occasions and I have no doubt in my mind that he would find this genuinely repellent. If I thought he was looking at stuff like that I would leave him in a second, no matter how good our relationship is otherwise. No way I could be married to someone who did that, let alone with kids in the house.

I think some people here fail to grasp the distinction between light porn use within a healthy relationship and it being the only exposure to sex that you have for a prolonged period of time. Apparently I'm the naive one, but thinking that is healthy is far more naive.

I spoke to him this morning. I explained that I am in no way angry with him or blaming him for using it, that I take a lot of responsibility for it even if it wasnt my "fault" or choice not to have sex, i still know that he was basically just taking care of things and I don't think badly of him. I explained that obviously the fact he's been looking at porn daily is not a surprise to me, but for the whole time I just think about it as an abstract thing and put a lot of energy into not thinking about the content of what he's looking at. That one comment just brought up years of suppressed emotion about it, hence the fact that I may seem more upset about it than others understand. It also felt a bit like a metaphor for our relationship vs his use of porn - here we are talking about buying pretty tame sex toys, and he's seen stuff that I can't even comprehend being used on a person.

He insisted that he didn't watch porn with that particular thing in it, he'd just seen it in passing - not sure I quite believe that but regardless it's irrelevant, it's not that one thing that's the issue, it's years of him getting off to stuff that I know I would find really upsetting if I saw it. He agreed that I would and he knows that our sex life isn't exactly vanilla, so I'm honestly trying not to think about what he's been looking at.

From talking to him, he believes that using it regularly is affecting his mental health. He doesn't want to use it, but it's become a "habit" - but then he likened quitting to me giving up smoking so I know he sees it as an addiction. I get that this is hard to admit and haven't pushed the issue. He told me that needing to use it makes him feel pathetic, he knows the deal and will watch stuff then feel really shit about it afterwards. He brought up some documentary we saw on TV years ago that I'd completely forgotten about where former porn stars talked about their experiences and I think that really affected him -looking back that lines up with when he started having more of a cognitive dissonance about what he was doing, and he said he finds this really confusing and makes him feel worse.

He told me he's felt so much better mentally this week where he hasn't needed to use it, and I'm hoping that my drive keeps up as it is to get him over the worst of it. Obviously there are going to be times when we can't have sex and I'm absolutely not going to force myself to keep him away from porn. I just want him to get to a point where he doesn't rely on it daily, he says he wants to stop altogether but I think it's going to be more difficult than that. Obviously I'll support him however I can to do that.

I'm sure some here will be assuming I've guilted him into saying he will quit - believe me, that's not the case at all. I wouldn't and don't expect that to be honest, and it would have been unnecessary since he wants to quit anyway. Obviously he's done very well this week signing is being mentioned at all. I'm relieved that he doesn't want use it rather than have sex as some men do when they're deep into this stuff, I just want it to be less of a presence in our marriage and it's clear he feels the same so I'm hoping we can get past this together.

I'm pretty saddened to see so many assumptions about what kind of woman and wife I am. I don't "time his porn use" FFS - he does it in the bathroom, we have one bathroom, I have a bladder the size of a pea... I know how long he's in the bathroom! I'm not stood outside with a stopwatch and marking it down in a spreadsheet - I try to ignore it, hence all this upset. I'm entitled to feel this way about it, and despite my strength of feeling on it I've never tried to stop him doing it, explicitly or implicitly. He's been very patient with the lack of sex, and I believe I've been very patient with his porn use. He's lost his shit about the lack of sex far more frequently than I've brought up porn. He's done stuff that I'm far too ashamed to admit and have never brought up since he told me because I know it's not who he is. He has a problem, he knows it, I know it. I honestly wonder how long some of you would manage in my position before breaking down about it. You honestly have no clue!

OP, I can sympathize. I think the difficulty with porn is the desensitization, not just physical of hard grips on penis but requiring more and harder core visual stimulation too, which can then make arousal and climax difficult in a 'normal' scenario. It is an addiction and as it has/ will directly affect you, you have every right to ask him not to use it or particularly the hard core type, I believe. Once you are in an intimate relationship with someone if what they are doing affects you physically or mentally, you have every right to express that they stop. If they can't/ won't then you have another bridge to cross. Just because it is sex doesn't mean you have to keep schtum and be forced to block out put as you have been. Just because someone else is ok with it doesn't mean you have to be. Smoking is a good analogy, so if you were severely asthmatic it would be different to someone who enjoyed smoking on a night out but lived with a heavier smoker. Porn is responsible for a lot of issues within relationships, and of course you know the problems within the industry itself. I think you do need to deal with it because resentment breeds bitterness, keeping quiet breeds resentment. If it continues to be a issue you will both need help to deal with it.

I feel such sympathy with you and I hooe you can deal with this using your head and step back a little from emotions ( easier said than done I know) if you want to go down the route of fixing him he needs to be 100% commited to this seek help and get rid of internet etc. But it is a long journey and recovery rates very low. I have been through the same thing and sadly now getting divorced having left. Porn is a gateway to other easily available online then offline activities and the user then blames others for use not understanding ultimatly it is a choice. Porn is the crack cocaine of sex addiction. Women in porn videos are often exploited vulnerable under age or abused. I have had 5 years of pure hell trying to save him and marraige to no avail. Focus on you now. Do not share blame because of your own health problems. You know this is causing problems and that is not live and respect is it? Sometimes sex addicts capable of recovery need to understand it is unacceptable. My stbxh chose that so I know where I finally stand. I focusing on myself now. There is a good website to break down the affects on partner of this called recovery nation. No presdure to make choice to leave just refocuses your efforts to build self esteem. I wish you luck and hope you work it out whatever you do x