Sorry, this is a long one....
Background:
- We’ve had a hard time TTC DC no 2 (whereas DC1 straight forward). Two and half year of no success / then some treatment / more treatment / IVF / three miscarriages. Now early in my second trimester of what so far seem a good strong pregnancy.
I (with DH’s full agreement and support) have chosen to keep the details of all this private from all but one or two carefully chosen people. This includes not discussing any of this with my parents, or his. On my parent’s side, this is because my mum, in particular has a tendency to get over involved, then over dramatise, make it all about her, and also broadcast it all around the wider family. None of which I would have found helpful. I wrestled with it for a long time, but in the end realised that she would not in any way be able to give me the support I sometimes could have done with, while on the other hand pretty often making an already difficult time harder. (Reading about another MN poster finding herself supporting her own mother through her disappointment at a failed IVF round at the expense of herself really nailed it for me).
- In general, since having DC1, our relationship with DH’s parents has deteriorated. Prior to DC it was warm and friendly, though not close. DH is French and his parents and extended family are all there. Having DC has revealed large cultural differences in approaches to parenting, combined with a massive generational gap, combined with a fundamental different of opinion: DH’s parents do not consider that DH and I are / should be the primary force in DC’s lives, or that they should respect our parenting choices even when they disagree with them.
On the contrary, they think we are doing many things wrong and that it is their role to intervene and ‘fix’ things whenever they can. They have no concept that there is more than one 'good' way to parent / that advice might have moved on / that different cultural norms are OK too.
On a practical level, their ability to interfere is massively limited by distance. But visits are hard work, and my view of them has taken a beating in the face of what I consider to be their fundamental disrespect, and, and hearing more detailed stories about DH’s childhood many of which I consider to be abusive. I am angry with them for the way they have treated him (example: his mum had a whip to manage her children’s behaviour), and consider they failed him many times. There has been conflict, although (probably helped by a language barrier) we’ve muddled through.
DH is supportive of our family, and me, as issues arise, but hasn’t challenged his parents on their fundamental views / approach / disrespect of our right as parents to make the final call. I’ve been through a phase of wishing / thinking he should, but have now realised he’s probably right that management when necessary is a better way to go. Realistically they are not going to change. Also relevant, DH’s parents are both medical in background. They are very hungry for all info about DC and us, but especially medical info. When they have info they seek to tell us what to do / overrule / interfere. They are also (I think) hugely indiscreet, telling DH lots of details of his cousin’s long journey with IVF, for example. She has never chosen to discuss this with us herself, and I feel we know many things we should not.
The issue:
DH is due to go and visit PIL shortly, without me. He’ll tell them our pregnancy news while he’s there. He’s said he would also like to tell them about the difficulties and treatment we’ve had.
I feel, very strongly, that I do not want my private medical and sensitive personal information shared with them. I know they will broadcast it around the wider family, even if DH asks them not to (they’ll just front it with ‘ I’m not supposed to tell you this, and don’t mention to her, but…’).
I also feel that I do not want something private and sensitive to me known to them – they have previously sought to undermine / interfere in fundamental, private issues like breastfeeding, potty training and regularly tell DH we should use physical discipline with DC1.
I’ve had to build up a strong and confident exterior to deal with them firmly and to navigate visits and defend DC and our choices while keeping things mostly cordial. I feel them knowing this would be undermining and that they may use it against me (although I don’t know how. But then, I never thought they’d get involved and shout at my DC over my head if they were having a behavioural issue which I was already dealing with – it floored me the first time they did it).
On the other hand, I can understand DH’s wish to share this with his parents (although I also think that, like many highly controlled children he still has a deep desire to please them / to have their approval. While he’s essentially gone LC by living permanently in another country, he doesn’t have much of a ‘critique’ of their parenting – much less than I do of my parents, for comparison). I don’t, personally, see the upside in telling them. He’s described it as being the explainer for a big gap, and making clear the news is ‘even happier’.
I’ve asked him to let me reflect, and feel I need some outside views.
Can I ask him not to do this? Is it fair of me to ask him to keep private from his parents something personal to me, yes, but also to him, that he wants to share?