Do I leave if he doesn't give me financial disclosure?

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Hi,

I've been with my partner for about 12 years. We have 2 kids. This is a kind of overview.

About 6 years ago he took the wrong path and became a drug addict. I had no idea for some time. I had already kicked him out before I finally found out because he was thieving from me and life was just awful.

Anyone he sorted himself out. I forgave him. We got married and he promised me he'd clear his dept, never get a credit card and always be honest about money.

He freelanced for a few years and had his own company to invoice from and this summer he got hit by a massive tax bill (I haven't actually seen it). He said it cleared out his savings. He also gets a reasonable income from a rental property he was left. (I don't see any of it but he's assured me it going into his savings). I was really cross about the tax bill mainly because we didn't have a summer holiday and I'm on mat leave so I was climbing the walls.

On the weekend I found a bill. He'd taken out a 10k loan and not told me. When I confronted him he said his savings hadn't covered the tax bill and he needed extra to cover it. I said (shouted) why hadn't he told me and he said he didn't want to worry me which is complete bullshit.

I'm pretty devastated but also confused. Nothing really adds up and I can't see where his money goes. He on paye now. Gets good wage. Doesn't go out drinking or having meals with mates and we are together pretty much all the time.

I've asked him for financial disclosure. I have a feeling it might do it half arsed and not provide all the records I have asked for or he'll refuse altogether.

What should I do?
What does this situation look like to an outsider?

To an outside it looks like he's completely untrustworthy, financially incontinent and I'd dump him.

It looks bad

He doesn't seem trustworthy and he's been lying to you about money.

I think so.

I found massive secret debt from my partner.

You need to be able run credit reports - he should join noddle and give you the passwords.

You very much need to get external verification of his past and current finance situation.

My partner ran up well over a hundred thousand in debt and used my excellent credit history.

I am staying but wouldn't unless we sorted it out. I don't think I will ever trust anyone.

Anyhow I did not want to scare you but you need to be able to check his credit record and you will need his permission and for him to show you.

I think there are some massive lies to uncover. I think he's probably been dishonest with the Inland Revenue. I think you cannot trust this man at all financially.

Please obtain full financial records from credit agencies, ask him for these.

They may not have everything but they should cover major debts.

Seek independent financial advice.

Noddle is good as it is easy to check online on a monthly basis.

Again good luck and I hope you can sort yourself out.

The money section of mumsnet is also useful.

Thank you for all advice.

I suspect the fact I put drug addict in the overview makes him sound like a complete shit. I have forgiven him for that but the financial wounds run deep.

I am shitting myself now.

I suppose if he want let me run credit check that is also a very bad sign.

Yes he should let you run a credit check.

If he doesn't this isn't a good sign.

As you are married you will show as financially linked.

Take care of yourself. The sooner you know the better.

Should you leave him and get divorced, you will anyway both have to fill out Form E financial disclosure. Any debts of his are also yours, and vice versa. Any assets of yours are also his, and vice versa. So you may as well ask him, because if he refuses, will you stay? If you get no disclosure and opt to stay, it is the green light for him to be as financially irresponsible as he likes and tell you nothing, all the while dragging you into financial ruin. If you don’t stay, he will be forced to disclose it anyway by the court / your solicitor.
Good luck

If he won’t share his finance documents with you you’ve got your answer

I think for you to move forwards and rebuild any kind of trust he has to be completely transparent with you. Credit checks, bank statements, everything.

If he refuses those things, you have your answer; you're married to someone who values his privacy and finance above his marriage.

Are you sure he's not using again? You said you had no idea initially so it sounds like he's able to hide it pretty well.

I could've written your post without the drugs part. I ended up giving ex and ultimatum - 100% access and transparency on financial information or we call it quits. Divorce process nearly over, and he's still withholding financial information - lies on Form E, statements etc. Leaving him to it remains one of the best decisions I ever made. Good luck.

Clearly he has hidden debts. I agree he may be taking drugs again but equally he may have shifted his addiction to gambling or an expensive secret hobby. He's so dishonest and impecunious as to be useless as a partner. It's ultimatum time. You need to ensure he doesn't take you down with him.

Hi OP,
Sorry to hear you're in this position. I too recently discovered secret debt. I think it's a result of gambling but can't be sure as DH is still secretive even though he has ended up moving out as a result of it.
I've had different advice about liability for the debts compared to that given above; bank, credit card company and debt advice line all told me that I am only liable for things in a joint name, even credit cards where I am a secondary account holder are purely his responsibility. Don't know who is right, which is distressing in itself.
I think this issue, combined with long term lack of intimacy, has killed my relationship. I hope things work out happily for you, one way or the other

The first thing I'd do in your shoes is to register your interest in the rental property. By the time everything's done I'd be surprised for there to be any other assets or money for you.

Thanks for all your advice.
He came clean and showed me his statements. Nothing sinister just utter stupidity and greediness.
We are moving forward and he's taking sandwiches to work everyday and telling me anything he spends money on so that his debts are cleared.

Have you seen the credit reports op?

Yep - he signed up to noddle and gave me his passwords. The problem was I didn't know where money was going.