Help moving on. Emotionally abusive ex vs new relationship

[Isthisreal3]

Please help,

I've been separated from my emotionally abusive ex for over 2 years now and slowly dating a new guy for the past 10 months, more seriously the past 6. I'm scared to tell my ex. Petrified.New guy has given the ultimate tell ex about us or it's over.

Ex spends weekend daytime with our children (4 and 7) and me. I know that's an usual set up but his world is falling apart and although I don't want to be with him and his anger anymore I want to support him seeing the children as they mean everything to him. He doesn't see children on his own. New man wants this to change too.

I understand his perspective I really do but he's withdrawn from me and backed off. He's distanced himself. I would have much less of a problem telling ex if I was in a happy stable relationship where I knew we were in a strong place together. I've asked him to show me this but he can't. He can't provide me with this until I tell my ex.

Years of emotional abuse and fear have affected my ability to know what is right. I want to find happiness & perhaps here is an opportunity for that but my ex can be so so difficult and irrational I don't know what to do. Is giving an ultimatum fair or am I walking into fire again.

Any words of wisdom gratefully received!

Getout - I hardly see an ex not knowing about ones love life as a 'secret'. It's none of his business

It's none of his business who his children are going to be spending a lot of time around(possibly)? Sorry, I disagree.

Unless the OP has a history of attracting drug takers/abusers/alcoholics/pedophiles/criminals the no, it's none of his business.

The problem with the notion that it's none of his business is that by keeping the new bf a secret and wanting to keep that a secret from the ex, you also need to either expect others to keep your secret for you as well i.e. Mutual friends/family for instance, or you exclude them as well in case they tell the ex when you didn't want him to know.

Also it limits whether you introduce the children because they either then have to keep the secret as well or you run the risk that the ex finds out from the kids rather than the parent.

If you're dating casually then of course it's not a case of the ex needing to know that you are so doing. However if as the op states the relationship is becoming more serious then there would be an expectation that the ex would at least have an idea that the OP was seeing someone else, especially if said OP is still helping the ex put his life together and is playing happy families with him at weekends.

It’s none of his business who you are with, you are the resident parent and are capable of protecting them.

I however do not like the way your new —abuser— boyfriend is looking.

He has NO right to dictate anything in your life when it comes to you or your kids.

Your ex is abusive, you fear he’s not safe to leave the kids with so you’re exposed to his toxicity too.

If he’s safe, he sees them alone. If he’s not (and I suspect he isn’t) then it goes via a contact centre or a third party you can trust.

Ultimately dc don’t get much benefit from being in the company of abusers, and if he was too toxic for you to deal with, he’s too toxic for your children.

You didn’t have anyone looking out for you, your kids at least have you to protect them.

Your boyfriend should be supportive of you, understanding that you’re afraid and helping you navigate this. He shouldn’t be issuing ultimatums and punishing/threatening you.

If it were me I’d be saying something along the lines of :
“My kids are my responsibility, it’s my job to do what’s right. It’s not your job - after a few months - to tell me what to do, and worse, threatening me with an or else .

The situation isn’t perfect, yes things must change, but you either contribute with support and suggestions or you leave it to me. If you don’t like the way things are... that’s fine too, you’re free to go”

The bf isn't abusive. It's not abusive to not like the fact that the OP spends every weekend with someone she calls her ex except he only has her word to go on that he's her ex because she hadn't moved on from him or told him that she's in a relationship with someone else.

As I said upthread, if a woman posted that she had been in a relationship with someone for ten months who not only refused to mention her to his ex but was also spending every weekend with the ex and the kids because she was apparently finding it so hard to cope posters would be telling her to run for the hills because he was likely still married.

Chances are that telling the ex wouldn't be such a big deal if it wasn't for the fact that he and the OP are playing happy families together every weekend and he's unaware that she's moved on. Does the ex even know that they're not together any more?

I'm seeing red flags from both of these guys - both seem controlling

New bf has no right to make these demands. Whether this is indicative of a controlling attitude or more frustration of having to walk on eggshells around your ex for over a year - only you can decide

However you really do need to separate properly from your previous partner as at the moment you are living a semi-detached life by still walking on eggshells around him and trying to appease him. You need to make proper contact arrangements to see the kids without you

• if he is OK to see them alone then they should go with him without you
• if you feel that the situation is unsafe - then they should seem him at a staffed contact centre

At the moment you are allowing fear of you ex to dictate your life and to stop you from moving on

If you’ve already been a victim of a controlling arse, it’s more likely that you’ll end up with another one unless you do some serious work to strengthen yourself

To not like the ex? Not abusive
To make demands and accusations- dodgy ground
To issue ultimatums and threats ? - Dodgier still
Silent treatment? Backing off? Punishment? Erm... dodgy as fuck.

After only six months in a relationship?

If it quacks like a duck...

I’d dump him, he’s not a good man.

New boyfriend has been on scene for 10m total, a relationship for only 6m

He has NO fucking say at all!!

Lunde

New bf has no right to make these demands. Whether this is indicative of a controlling attitude or more frustration of having to walk on eggshells around your ex for over a year - only you can decide

*However you really do need to separate properly from your previous partner as at the moment you are living a semi-detached life by still walking on eggshells around him and trying to appease him. You need to make proper contact arrangements to see the kids without you

• if he is OK to see them alone then they should go with him without you
• if you feel that the situation is unsafe - then they should seem him at a staffed contact centre*

You call the b/friend controlling(possibly)....but yet he's said exactly what you've said ^. You have advised the OP to do exactly the same as her b/friend has but yet he's a possible abuser,controlling etc.

No, getoutofthatgarden, "tell your ex or it's over" is a different animal to "i think it's an unhealthy situation between you and your ex".

Also, wanting to "show the dc how much he cares" is a different animal to "when the time is right, I'd like to meet your dc".

category12

The b/f has every right to make his feelings known. Are you saying you would willingly put up with a man spending his weekends with his ex and pretending you don't exist, all just to save the exes feelings? Well more fool you if you agree with this. I would be gone.

Getoutofthatgarden, I've already made it clear that I think the situation with the ex isn't right and should change. The op is still operating under FOG (fear obligation and guilt) in this respect with her emotionally abusive ex and placating him at all costs. I don't honestly think the op is in the right headspace to be in a relationship right now. I think she should get distance from the ex and do the Freedom programme/something like that.

What worries me about the new bloke is ultimatums, pressure and what looks to me like lovebombing and too much too soon. For example, the bit about wanting to show the dc how much he cares sets alarm bells off for me, because it's too much - if it's about caring for the dc = he doesn't even know them yet, so it's insincere and overboard - if it's about showing the dc how much he cares about the op = it's inappropriate and territorial.

People recently out of abusive relationships often fall into similar relationships, and therefore good boundaries are essential. The bf might be a good guy, but the way he's going about things makes me think not so much.

Just because the situation with the ex is dysfunctional and the bf is right about that, doesn't mean he's right in the way he's addressing it.

I think this has cock all to do with your new bf.

If it isn’t right, he should end it, if he’s that insecure or finding your set up hard work

Honestly if I'd been dating someone for 10 months but they could never see me on the weekend because they spent it with their ex (and dc's) I'd get miffed too. Actually I'd get annoyed way sooner.

However you should work on better boundaries for yourself and your dc's, not because someone else tells you to.