Not married, financially what's the worse that can happen?

[EllyOlly]

Thank you in advance for any advice you can give.

My DP and I are not married. Two young dc.

I earn more than DP; I have a pension and savings.

DP earns slightly less, contributes proportionally much less to the household, has only just started a pension and has no savings. Early on in our relationship when we began living together, bills he had been in charge of paying were often paid late and went to red warnings. It put the fear of god into me and I ended up taking over nearly all the bill paying.

Our relationship is unbalanced financially and is something I am trying to begin to sort out. I am very sensible with money and like to save. DP isn’t reckless but rarely knows how much money he has and he definitely feels he ‘pays his share’. He doesn’t. After his one small bill, his salary is spent on himself. After my many bills, my money is spent on non ‘bill’ family stuff - DC clothes, DC clubs, holidays etc. I don’t have any money left to save.

The current set up of me paying much more bills than him 90% to his 10%, despite only earning 10% more than him is making me feel very stressed and resentful.

We have separate bank accounts.

Neither of us have a will.

Our house is in our joint names. But I put down all the deposit from my careful saving in my twenties and a small inheritance. He received an inheritance in his twenties, before we met, and blew it all on frivolous things.

I am feeling quite distant from him at the moment. I’m hoping this will pass. Maybe it will. Or maybe we may one day break up.

If we did, I would live with the children I am sure.

So basically, is there anything I need to do financially to look after myself financially and secure the best financial situation for our children.

I realise I may sound smug and possibly unfair towards DP. I feel like he has had ten years of profiting from my savings and earnings and low responsibilities regarding life admin.

In other ways he’s a good DP and DF.

With the current situation what’s the worse that could happen financially if we did break up?

In some order of urgency
Don’t get married.
Change the beneficiary of your pension to your dc
Sever the tenancy of your house and take advice to see if you can also ring fence your share.
Make a will to benefit your dc

Then consider the future of the relationship
The fact is that if you were to split depending on residency of the children he would have to pay up to 15% of his wages as child support, he would also have to feed himself and house himself with all associated costs and bills

You on the other hand wouldn’t be paying his costs and would get the child support coming in.

Get a spreadsheet or list of all household costs
Rent mortgage utilities food other bills like insurance children’s clothes shoes uniforms childcare pocket money school dinners trips holidays car if you run one jointly children’s clubs and hobbies pets etc .

He should be paying roughly half or maybe a bit less depending on your relative incomes of you say he earns a bit less than you.

Compare that to a) what he pays now or b) his 15% child maintenance
Ask him what he thinks and how he can justify the current situation.

He sounds like a cocklodger but in case he isn’t seeing it in black and white may be a shock to him.

I did wince a little reading that.. thinking he was taking the piss.

But then realised your situation is a bit like mine and my husband. I.e. He paid all the deposit on our house and he organises bills. (I'm not totally crap, I take point on other stuff).

The significant difference is we contribute to a joint account for everything to do with running the house in a manner that leaves us an equal disposable income to spend as we please. (he puts in a bit more as he earns more).

Rather than framing it as he doesn't pull his weight financially could you phrase it as equalising disposable income?

It sounds like he does have some good points. Hopefully he'll be willing to have the conversation with you. If not he may well be a bit of a shit.

Unfortunately you need to ringfence the deposit at the time of purchase.

I think you have been incredibly generous. You state the best and worst case scenarios, one where you are controlling and one where you are a fool. You are neither of these OP. You come across as sensible, caring and someone trying to be fair to those in your life.

Your DP, on the other hand, comes across as a taker. LTB.

It may be too late to ring fence your deposit, but look into it.

And it's one of the few occasions it's good that you're not married.

Right. I’ve contacted a solicitor, will get the lay of the land with them.

We’re ten years into this relationship now. I was never bothered by being with someone rich or motivated by money when I was younger. It mattered so much more that he made me laugh and knew so much stuff and was arty and interesting.

I never really tackled the money stuff because, yes at all times I’ve realised I’d be able to support me and dc should things not work out. I’m good at living within my means.

Now he earns a more comparable sum I resent how little he contributes relative to increased earnings.

I will tackle it head on with a spreadsheet like suggested. I just really hope it has been lack of understanding on his part and seeing it in black and white will sort it all out.

He always said that if we split up he’d honour my deposit being mine. But I’ve read enough MN posts now to know when the shit hits the fan people can surprise you...

Don't beat yourself up about it Elly. Our feelings and views change over time. You never tackled the money stuff before, but you are doing it now.

I hope the spreadsheet discussion is productive and you can agree a way forward. If he continues refusing to engage, at least you will know where you stand.

Even if he is shit with money, a loving partner would at least be concerned about your feelings.