If your mother hated you

[BellarinatheCAG]

Hello All

I'd really appreciate if people could share how they deal with/handle/cope with their biological mother who hates them? I'm really struggling at the moment and I'm all alone.

Back story is I'm the middle child of 3 and my mother has always made me feel unwanted, a burden, expendable, ugly, dirty and a problem.

I'm 36yrs old now yet I'm still having to deal with the same crap and I'm so tired.
I have never been shown/given unconditional love or support and it has really affected me as its given freely to my siblings.
I have been made to take on financial responsibilities (I wasn't allowed to eat or drink for free but my siblings were) since i was 16yrs old and now have to pay 100% for everything for my parents (not in the UK) from bills, medical, food, pets, salaries, taxes and even her holidays and I don't even live in the same country let alone same house!

Circumstances have recently and suddenly changed, my 15yr marriage has ended, I've had to move countries, I have no job or business as I left both to be a trailing spouse for the last 2.5yrs. I'd come home to get a break and sort out the divorce (we were married here) and bse I had no where else to go and as I'm trying to stretch my now meagre savings.

I was supposed to have left in September to start a masters course in another country and look for a job. A friend offered me her holiday apartment there for a few months to help me get on my feet but my dad became very very ill suddenly that I had to defer my uni entry.

During this period I have clashed with my mother so many times, she has never once asked me how I'm doing only ever piled more crap for me to deal with, guilt tripping me at every turn and point, expecting me to fund and fulfill her every wish and those of her favoured children and grandchildren whilst maintaining she is the victim always.

I just need to break free of this vicious cycle and I don't know how to. I have no energy, I've tried ignoring but she knows which buttons to push, I'm struggling physically as im the sole carer for my dad and for her whilst dealing with my own autoimmune disease. I'm exhausted and have no one to turn to.

So much more to say but no energy, just wondered what others have done when faced with similar situations?

Thanks

Of course you can. I'm also going through unpleasant court proceedings...and I go through periods of incredible sadness that my life hasn't turned out how I thought it would.

I've been reading the threads for a long time on this board. My mother is odd plays games and I think toxic. I'm the oldest of three, my Mum left my Dad when I was 5. This was early 80's my Dad was not allowed to see us. We went to a contact type centre but she was always 'ill' or 'collapsing' when dropping us off which for me and my sister was very upsetting. We trusted, loved and believed her. So the contact stopped.

She married the man she had the affair with and had her last child and she has a serious health condition. It is killing her. I love her dearly but she spoilt and very nasty learnt that from Mum I guess. She steals and has stolen lots of money off my Mum and DS 2. I left home at 18 so she has never had the chance to steal from me. She has keyed my newest second hand car that I'd ever owned. All caught on neighbours CCTV.

My Mum then put all her energy in to my sis. The drama of her illness and the attention was loved by my Mum. Me and ds2 were shunted from step relative to step relative. They didn't want us but felt so guilty as ds 3 was so ill.

Anyway I left at 19 as I couldn't take anymore, lived in a small village bullied badly at secondary school couldn't face keep seeing these people. My mum had nothing positive to say about me so I picked a uni miles away.

She has 2-3 holidays a year last time I was told she was 20k in debit. She has never worked, she is now on husband number 4. She left me alone and I was grateful for the peace.

Met a lovely man and had 2 kids and its all started again. Snide comments never being happy. My son has been unwell nothing major (major to me is illness like my sis warped I know) but it was on going and he was unable to walk for 8 months and required lots of physio and couldn't talk till he was 7. He fab now bit quirky but he is fab!

She won't do anything for my two, very upsetting but not a surprise. My DS2 has had kids and she has now turned in to supergran.

I havent spoken to her for 6 years, once again I am grateful for the peace, but I am bitter for the relationship I don't have. Now my relationship is breaking down with DS2 has she has supergran and I have nothing.

DS 3 has also fallen out with Mum, Mum for the first time called the police on her. She has now started calling me, I'm polite but cool with her. I am thanks to distance at the moment able to keep at her bay.

My Mum hates me i don't care I'm just a bit tired of it all.

The pain never goes, its a huge gaping hole of disappointment. I have had CBT through work. Took me about 6 months to process the sessions. I have a good job, a husband who loves me. My husband says she is jealous, even when she has happiness she destroys it. He hates her but I don't think she knows.

sorry thats long

OP, I found a good way to work towards letting the anger/hurt/pain/sadness go is to learn accept that either way you are going to feel those feelings, you are allowed to feel that way and your feelings are absolutely valid.

I found once I'd accepted that regardless of what I did, I would still feel those feelings they seemed to become easier to deal with and over time they lessened. I'm not going to say they went away completely but they became so much more manageable.

It is almost like you go through a grieving process and you will need to accept that you will feel those feelings but over time and talking about it as much as you feel able to it will get much easier.