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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My mother in law spitefully revealed my miscarriage

14 replies

Nessa1989 · 16/10/2017 16:06

Sorry ladies this is a long one but really need some impartial advice.

Few months ago my boyfriends mum and him had an argument, unrelated to me. During the conversation his mum started calling me a lot of names and how I'm controlling his life and how I'm a b----. I was shocked considering I had adjusted my life to fit around the fact that he had 2 children when we met. Anyway, I asked him if I should approach his mum and apologise for whatever I seem to have done wrong. I'm a Virgo so I'm quite laidback, HATE confrontation and love happiness. I called her...what I got was 2 HOURS of her shouting at me slagging my boyfriend off and saying horrible things about him. Out of respect, I let her vent. I managed to squeeze in about my miscarriage to which I explained "I haven't yet told my mum as she's been sick in hospital." She assured me it wouldn't go any further and was quite sympathetic. A few weeks pass. She had another argument with my boyfriend and this time dragged me into it. I told her I was not getting involved because last time she spent 2 hours shouting at me. What followed was abusive text messages. She then went one step further and messaged my mum on Facebook (who had no idea about the dispute) calling her a loser. My mum said I have no idea what you're talking about and I don't appreciate you being abusive to my daughter. My boyfriends mum spitefully said "well now is a good time to tell you about her miscarriage." It was totally unrelated to whatever was going on. I am my mums only daughter and when I say it broke my heart that she had to find out this way. Thankfully it did not damage mine and my mums relationship however I vowed NEVER to speak to my boyfriends mum again and everyone I've spoken to is completely floored at what she did. Fast forward a few months, I'm pregnant! Me and my boyfriend do not want to tell her. We would rather she either a) didn't find out at all OR b) found out through someone else. Because we want a peaceful life, we are considering the option of telling her by email. What advice can you give regarding this? It's causing me major anxiety as I can't deal with any more conflict - especially not for the next 9 months. Thanks in advance

OP posts:

Northernparent68 · 16/10/2017 16:14

I’m sorry about your miscarriage.

I would cut her out of your life, block her on FB, on your mobile, etc. I can’t see any point in telling her, she’s forfeited her chance to have a part in your life.

eddies36 · 16/10/2017 16:15

Don't tell her. Ignore her.

eddies36 · 16/10/2017 16:15

And congratulations of course!

IHopeYourCakeIsShit · 16/10/2017 16:16

To be honest I'm at a loss to see why you would want any involvement with her at all, ever?

WhoWants2Know · 16/10/2017 16:18

I can't see any reason to have further communication with her at all.

Outlookmainlyfair · 16/10/2017 16:19

Congratulations! Agree, ignore and LC as much as you can.

Imonlyfuckinghuman · 16/10/2017 16:26

Sorry for your miscarriage

You need to put your big girl pants on now and stop being like a little wall flower.

Firstly you need to have a really good look in to the future as this is not going to be an easy ride.

Your DP has to be supportive of you. He has to stand up for you to his mother. If he is not your going to have a very tough ride.

Secondly don't be fooled in to thinking this woman has a right to be in your babies life. She hasn't. Start as you mean to go on - taking no shit. Because it will get a million times worse when your baby is here.

Cut her off now.

MummaDeeDee · 16/10/2017 16:26

Enjoy your pregnancy and cut contact with her. Don't bother telling her or caring how she finds out. You're pregnant after a mc, that's massive. Congrats. Don't let anyone bring things down.

Ellisandra · 16/10/2017 18:20

I don't think any of this is because you are a Virgo.

Is your boyfriend interested in cutting contact with his mother? Honestly, I would want someone who abuses her son, you, and is spiteful to your mother, to be anywhere near my child.

If you weren't already pregnant, I'd be telling you not to get pregnant until he had learned to put up some very strong boundaries.

In your position now I wouldn't tell her you're pregnant, and I would be talking to your boyfriend to make sure you're fully on the same page about contact with her in future.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, especially after your loss

Original poster

Nessa1989 · 16/10/2017 21:58

I really appreciate all of your responses thank you so much.

Thankfully my boyfriend's view on it all is exactly the same as all of yours and he's tried his hardest to defend me. He's apologised a million times on behalf of his mum but I've told him she's a grown woman. I was just worried about his mum crying to other family members about not being kept in the loop and making me out to be vindictive when I'm so far from it. I kind of feel stupid for even suggesting some sort of reconciliation. Plus I hate family conflict and I'm overly sensitive (God help me when those pregnancy hormones start to kick in!)

Thanks again to everyone who responded. You literally don't understand how much of a weight has been lifted. I can't thank you enough

OP posts:

Heatherjayne1972 · 16/10/2017 22:06

Also I think I'd be vague about a due date and not tell anyone when labour starts
Is your mil the type to barge in and try to take over ?

If so it might be sensible to make sure no one knows the due date or say it's three or four weeks later

mindutopia · 16/10/2017 22:12

Congrats on your pregnancy! I would either just not tell her or tell her by letter or email. If you plan to tell her (letter/email), I would let your bf do it and stay out of it yourself. You don't need the stress. It's his mum and he needs to deal with her.

We had a very similar situation this year (I also had a mc but don't speak to my MIL anymore so that wasn't an issue). When I got pregnant again, we told her by letter. We have no relationship really with her any more (due to safeguarding issues with our daughter) and she does not see our daughter and will not meet this baby. I don't really think it's any of business to know and she isn't in our children's lives due to very intentional choices she's made in her own life. But we told her purely because I felt like it would look bad on us if she found out through other family members (who don't really know the full story of what happened with her). We didn't want it to be an excuse for her to spread rumours about us or use it to manipulate anyone else. So I wanted to feel like I was in control of that information, even though I didn't actually care about her knowing for the sake of knowing. It was more just about getting ahead of the story and heading off any drama she might cause.

So I think definitely you are in the right to tell her or not tell her and to do it however you wish.

greendale17 · 16/10/2017 22:21

Don’t tell her your due date

Sashkin · 17/10/2017 00:56

Don't tell her your due date? Don't tell her you're pregnant at all, more like! Don't see her, don't talk to her on the phone or reply to emails. Block her on FB, block her number on your phone, put the phone straight down if she rings from somebody else's phone. Call the police if she turns up round your house. If your BF wants to reconcile that's on him, but I and my children would never be clapping eyes on her again.

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