Devasted!

[Mulberrybaby]

Our son who is 31 has been living and being supported by us whilst attending university, he only started this September. We don't charge him rent and even lent him £3k to buy a car two month ago to enable him to get to and from uni and his part time job.
He has always been a bit of a problem child always straddling the acceptable line with his behaviours. Our children have been privileged attending public schools (that we're still paying for now as we increased our mortgage to pay the fees) Our other son 2 years younger has been as good as gold and is doing very well in his career, did everything as was expected, going to uni, taking a gap year and then slowly but surely worked his way up the career ladder in his chosen career.
On the other hand DS1 has never ever achieved his true potential, didn't work for his exams, got ok grades but deemed very poor by his teachers as he didn't work hard enough and TBH has never applied himself to anything other than sport.
He has gambling and drinking problems, we have bailed him out paying off credit card debts for him (he has paid us back) etc etc
We supported him this year, whilst he did an access course and didn't work even though he could/should have.
We then agreed to take on a student and have him live with us for six months so that our son, a qualified TEFL teacher could teach him English in our home for six months.Our students father pays two months rent and tuition fees in advance, all was well with the first payment.. then our son told us the father hadn't paid him for the next two months and this has been going on for about six weeks or so, I had my suspicions but husband wouldn't listen to me, which caused so many rows between us. We have now found out that DS1 was paid but he decided to buy himself a new mobile £500 and clothes etc with the money, basically he has lied and stolen from us after everything we have done for him. We are devasted that he had done this and asked him why, he is in total denial that he had stolen the money and worryingly he can't see that whay he's done is wrong. He doesn't see it as stealing as he says he is going to pay us back, just like he is going to pay us back the money for his car.
He has currently moved in with his girlfriend who sadly for her, adores him and never questions or challenges him... she knows that we have not been on speaking terms for a few weeks before he moved in with her but she still doesn't know why and she won't push the isssue so is oblivious to it all. We certainly won't tell her but I can't help but think she would over look it because she loves him so much. She is a very decent, honourable, hardworking lady.
What would you do if you were in our position. I don't want him here anymore but I can't help think he's on a very slippery road to ruin but I have reached the end of my tether and have mentally switched off from it all, I think this is my way of dealing with it all as I have been so low over the past year or so of him moving back in with us. Self preservation.
I know this sound hideous but at this moment in time I don't think I want to see him again! He has kicked us both in the teeth so many times over the years, letting himself and us down and DS2 is livid and can't believe that he's stooped thus low and wants nothi

[GoldenFleck]

Please don't jeopardise your security to pay his debts/help him out in the future. Don't lose your home or take loans for him. Don't jeopardise your health/sanity. If I were you, I wouldn't let him live with me again and Il be honest, I think (based on your posts) that your son does not care about the implications of his behaviour/choices on others. He is not trustworthy. The example where he stole the students rent/tuition money to buy a phone and clothes then denied it is super shocking. That wasn't addiction driven it was purely self serving. Make decisions with your head not your heart and be firm implementing decisions to protect yourselves and DS2.

[Changedname3456]

I agree with PP in at least warning the GF.

Then, I’m afraid, all you can do is steal yourself to not ever letting him back under your roof. And get your DH to agree that too - you will need to be united.

I doubt he’ll do well on the access course and I also doubt you’ll see the car loan back. He’ll likely use the “they kicked me out” as an excuse to never pay that back. But you should mentally write that off and accept it as a small price for his long overdue “launch”

[Mulberrybaby]

Thank you everyone, I have taken all of your points on board. You've reassured me that what I'm doing is the right thing to do. X

[Ohyesiam]

You must warn the girlfriend to be very careful with her money.
It will fall on deaf ears now, but will serve her in the future when she is doubting herself.

[thecanaries]

Yes the apron ties need to be cut but I also think it's worth a final and frank conversation about his gambling and drinking addictions and that you are prepared at this point to help him address these but of course he needs to realise this for himself....