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Relationships

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Original poster

Dating a Muslim?

42 replies

Confusion1 · 15/10/2017 15:16

Hi,

Any advice from people who've dated Muslim men before, or who have knowledge of Islam would be helpful...

I started dating a Muslim recently, we met online and chatted for about a month. I found out a lot about him before he revealed he is Muslim - he only mentioned this after I asked if he followed a religion and to be honest I was quite surprised he is Muslim. He simply said "Muslim" and then changed the subject. (He is from South Africa and we live in the Middle East.)

Throughout our conversations he seemed very liberal. He's done drugs and drink in the past, and now regrets those things, and had some horrendous experiences which he shared with me. He no longer does either of these which he told me was due to his bad experiences.

He didn't talk about his religion at all, but discussed various things (e.g. the past drug use) that seemed very much at odds with how a strict Muslim should live, and so I just assumed he wasn't taking his religion too seriously and wasn't following it in a strict manner. He never once mentioned praying or anything like that.

Anyway, on our third date we ended up having sex, it wasn't planned at all but there was clearly a lot of chemistry between us and we had a strong connection. As we'd got on so well, I was expecting more dates and to see where it would end up. I was also hoping for the sex part to develop.

However, the next day he messaged me saying that he feels he's betrayed his promise to God by having sex with me, as he doesn't believe in sex before marriage as is following Islam. Now bear in mind our conversations had taken a sexual turn a few weeks before, plus on this night we did sleep together he was the one taking the lead, he was the one who asked to come back to mine, he was the one who initiated the sex. But somehow I feel guilty as if I have done something wrong... he hasn't said this but he said something along the lines of "well what was I supposed to do when faced with the temptation" almost as if i there myself at him or something. I just feel really depressed about the fact I slept with him. I'm also upset as I thought it was going somewhere yet we're clearly on very different pathways which I feel a bit hoodwinked about, as he didn't once mention his religion being important to him. He also said that's the real reason eh doesn't drink... why wouldn't he just tell me it's because of his religion?!

I said I don't think I want to continue to see him as I feel really confused about everything, and he seemed shocked and annoyed. I don't really know what I'm hoping to get from posting, maybe just some clarity. I'm also wondering why he kept so quiet about his religion if it is so
Important to him?!

Also want to clarify that I am in no way anti Islam or anything like that. Is it even possible to date a Muslim as a non Muslim?! I don't follow any religion.

Sorry for the rambling post. Thanks!

OP posts:

Trills · 15/10/2017 18:25

Option 1 - he is genuinely having difficulties reconciling his religious beliefs with his desires, and this internal conflict is causing him to behave in dickish ways
Option 2- he is just a dick, and he is using religion as an excuse for why he is behaving in dickish ways

But it doesn't actually MATTER which one it is. He is behaving like a dick. You don't like it. You don't have to put up with someone who behaves like this.

Adviceplease360 · 15/10/2017 18:27

As others have said he was using you. I would be weary even non religious muslim men are religious when ir comes to marriage and especially boys being circumcised girls covering up atba certain age. Tend to be huge hypocrites really

busyboysmum · 15/10/2017 18:33

I had a Muslim female friend who dated a white guy, drank, did drugs, had sex with him. But she always knew she would never be able to marry him. She eventually did the good Muslim girl thing and had an arranged marriage. Broke the white guy's heart. So in a way I guess if you're looking for a life partner a Muslim isn't a good choice. As they will usually bow to family pressure and settle down with a fellow muslim.

Namethecat · 15/10/2017 18:39

Not mentioning any religions but I'd like to share this. I work in a male prison and hear a lot of talk among men of many religions and races . Of course a fair bit of it is bravado but a large proportion of them had 'baby mama's ' and in their words they have gf that they are prepared to have a child with but would not commit to a real relationship that could end in potential marriage or to be fully integrated within the family - the main reason is family/religion expectations.

Adviceplease360 · 15/10/2017 18:56

It's odd that men from all backgrounds don't see kids as the ultimate commitment but see marriage as way of showing commitment.

Adviceplease360 · 15/10/2017 18:59

Busy agreed. Marriage is very important, most non religious Muslims are happy to do everything with a non muslim but marry them.

Be3Al2Si6O18 · 15/10/2017 19:02

You dodged a bullet.

Another reason to think long and hard and carefully when entering a relationship with someone from a religious background is what will happen when children come along.

Fatwa by Jacky Trevane is a chilling read.

Poorlybabe4 · 15/10/2017 19:38

Just to add something here.... white women can be muslim too. I know off topic. But not all white women are not of a religion and not all women who are not white are of a religion. Why not say a non practising lady instead....i am white and muslim.

Poorlybabe4 · 15/10/2017 19:38

Completley off topic as i said. Also... he is an arse whole!

SealSong · 15/10/2017 20:33

Well, my DIL is muslim, my son is not. They have been together seven years and married for four of them and are very, very happy. He respects her faith, and she respects his position as an athiest.

Just posting to show that it doesn't HAVE to be complicated - but I realise it often is.

mindutopia · 15/10/2017 20:53

He sounds really conflicted about his values, possibly because has family or someone else in his life putting pressure on him to live a certain way, but he's obviously lived a very progressive life as well, so perhaps feeling very torn. It sounds like his conflicted feelings have been projected on to you and he's trying to make you feel like you did something wrong (when you didn't), because he's insecure about himself and how he wants to live his life. Totally possible to have a very happy relationship with someone from a different religion than you. I have quite a few friends who either are muslim themselves or who are regular ole white British folks who have married a muslim partner. In each case, the more religious partner is secure in themselves, knows what their values are and doesn't project their anxiety on to anyone else, and they have lovely happy relationships. Slightly different, but I'm Jewish. My husband is an atheist (from a Christian background). It's not an issue for us. We just get on with it and we decided before we got married how we would raise our children and celebrate holidays in our house to respect my religious beliefs but his cultural upbringing. But we also aren't wankers either, which is why it works for us. Sadly, it sounds like this guy is, but he's hiding behind his religion as an excuse to act like that.

juwayriyyah31 · 15/10/2017 20:58

Like everyone has said he was a total prick to have treated you like that. alot of people mistake Muslim and Asian culture together. His behaviour no way represents Islam, its more of the culture where you have to marry an Asian muslim girl to keep up with the family expectations. However, religiously according to Islam you are allowed to marry. Just to share my personal experience, I am Pakistani married to a Bengali man, our families still had a problem as he's not from my country therefore his family never turned up to the wedding. That was cultural shit not Islamic. A lot of people of who complete idiots tend to use religion to get their ways. I am so sorry he has made you feel like that by using his religion as an accuse. I wish you the best xxx

MistressDeeCee · 16/10/2017 03:30

No mystery here - he wanted sex. He got it, now he is hiding behind religion with the "I feel guilty" thing. Its manipulation. If you continue to see him the he knows you are still willing to have sex with him. You can't/won't expect anything more than that ie no commitment, as he has "sinned" with you. He already implied you were asking for it. He doesn't respect you and thats not going to change. None if this is to do with his religion. He's a player, thats all. If he wasn't Muslim he'd have used anothr line on you

Changerofname987654321 · 16/10/2017 03:44

bluebells1 Alcohol is haram because it lowers inhibitions and makes it more likely that you behave in an unacceptable way so therefore drugs are haram for the same reason.

TashaRomanoff · 16/10/2017 03:55

My friend is a Muslim and he married a Christian woman. They are happily married and have been for 20+ years. They have two children, one child has decided freely to follow Islam while the other follows no religion at all. It's possible I do think your guy was being a dick. I would drop him and find a decent man.

ICJump · 16/10/2017 04:07

I met my Muslim partner online. He's practicing but not fully, we slept together soon after meeting, lived together, had kids and we still aren't married. uve not converted and never will. My partner has never blamed me for his decisions. My partner isn't an arsehole

HappenedForAReisling · 16/10/2017 04:23

As a non-Muslim you can date and marry a Muslim man. The religion is passed from father to child so children will be considered Muslim too.

When I lived in the ME I heard many tales of non-Muslim women dating and having sex with Muslim men who promised to marry them. They'd find themselves ghosted when the man married a Muslim woman.

He sounds like he might be of the same ilk.

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