Made an arse of myself

[MrsJasonIsbell]

Hi, I'm an infrequent poster and never about relationships...
A month or so ago I met someone unexpectedly at a social occasion. Lots of chemistry, I was a bit drunk and I threw caution to the wind and went home and had (perhaps a little rose tinted in hindsight) great sex.
I'm old-ish with one quite grown up and one almost high school age kid. Been single for 4 years on purpose, had enough heartache for one lifetime. Or so I thought...
Anyway we met again a couple of times, during which time we really enjoyed each other's company but it transpired he wasn't long out of a very long relationship (he hadn't been honest about this but only by omission and I hadn't asked). I stupidly ignored this.
I was not remotely cool, messaged and called him far too much, then when I picked up on him pulling away I abruptly ended it. I regretted this and messaged him again and now he is ignoring me (and I don't blame him!) and I'm feeling really stupid and sad. The worst thing is if I hadn't been so needy, I think we'd probably still have been seeing each other.
This is a big setback for me and I am really quite emotional about it. I'm generally pretty sane but I don't know WTF happened there.
Damn, I honestly thought I had my life exactly as I wanted it. Well, more money would be nice but my kids and I have everything we need.
Have spoken to friends but they just think I'm really stupid and that he's a tosser (which he's not at all, he's lovely. I'm the tosser). Also, my friends are either in couples or hate men so they're no help really!
I'm pretty sure I can't repair this situation but I'd like to make sure it doesn't happen again.... Any advice lovely people of Mumsnet?

The worst thing is if I hadn't been so needy, I think we'd probably still have been seeing each other.

No you wouldn't...because he's not long out of a relationship and the moment he said that, he was letting you know he didn't want a relationship...which is why you started to chase him.

My only advice is to get to know someone before you sleep with them. There are a lot of men out there who just want a shag.

The signs to look for are dropped hints about them being fresh out of a relationship or "just wanting to have fun"

Put it down to experience and move on. As Mrs said, you probably wouldn't still be together as he has a lot of shit to sort out from previous relationship, you're wearing roses tinted specs and blaming yourself. This guy clearly took you and your emotions by surprise, it happens. Don't bear yourself up about it.

Yes, you're both right of course!

Thanks for talking sense...

As for first night sex, well, I'm old enough to know better but the only positive I can take from the whole bloody thing is that I got a decent shag out of it!

Old enough to know better but young enough to do it again 😎

Chuck it in the fuck it bucket, at least you got some good sex out of it.

Don’t second guess yourself. You got it right the first time. He was pulling away, and you protected yourself.

I love the "fuck it bucket", I'm keeping that idea. Will need to be a bloody big bucket in my case!!
We've all been there OP, well most of us. Take the time to examine your feelings and find out what they are telling you. I'm rebranding my dating mistakes as "learning opportunities" myself..

It sounds like you did the right thing by calling him out on his "pulling away" - though of course it hurts right now. This is an article about "neediness" that I found very helpful: www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/overused-word-alert-lets-talk-about-being-needy/

I agree with the idea that when I meet the right person, communicating will feel comfortable and I won't need to worry about being "needy".

Thanks everyone, loving the advice here. The fuck it bucket is now in use
I have definitely got healthy self esteem in most areas of my life such as my career, parenting, friendships but, now I've established that I actually would like to meet someone I definitely need to make sure I know how to protect myself.
I particularly liked the article about 'neediness' Pebbles. I realise needy was a poor choice of words and am going to reread it til it sinks in...
'I find that many women in particular are afraid of having boundaries, self-respect, and of having a basic requirement for mutual love, care, trust, and respect and as a result, they work off this fear that if they don’t yield and bend to the other party, they won’t have their needs met, so they abandon themselves and then end up on a diet of crumbs not getting their needs met anyway and being hungry.'
Good stuff that, no way am I letting that happen again.
Thank you again for being kind and helpful

Op, I've had quite a similar experience lately, and was kicking myself over coming across as so keen. But the thing is, I really was really keen - he was everything I could have wished for, brainy, funny and gorgeous . . . except he didn't feel the same pull towards me. I don't regret being so direct and honest about my feelings (which I won't call neediness). He was the nicest person I've met in three years single, and I don't feel it's anything to do with not valuing myself highly or low boundaries. I just fell a tiny bit in love.

It is so difficult to be a little older and unused to dating for several years to know how to read men and how to keen our keen ness or otherwise at an appropriate level. I have met someone and have no idea what to do or say.

I 'fell a tiny bit in love'! Love that. Not sure that I did but I could have, given enough time. He definitely got under my skin though.

Haha Miracle, too right!
User, lots of good advice here. It in definitely the one to give it... I'd tell you to be honest but that's not exactly worked for me

It's nice to acknowledge the feelings for what they are, and not get all stern with oneself about having feelings. I really enjoyed the buzz and the optimism while it lasted. A wise friend once said to me 'it is nice to be kissed, even if it's just for a while.'