stay or go?

[pearshape]

I really don't know what to do for the best for my children. I have been with my dh for over 20 years. we sort of fell together when young and have stayed together ever since. Anyway he is and always has been very short tempered. If he's doing something that doesn't go right first time he shouts, swears and slams things around. It's always bothered me and I've always hated it but now we've got three young children who witness this behaviour. It's never directed at them (but often is at me) and I don't want them growing up around shouting, swearing etc. What makes it worse is we have recently moved and I cringe at the thought of what the neighbours hear. I will add the children love him and he is a good dad in many ways but just cannot control his temper. He's always apologetic afterwards but won't hear of going to anger management or anything. When he's at work I feel so relaxed because when he's home i'm always on edge that he will kick off over something or another.

Would you leave him? I don't work and have absolutely no friends or family where i live now. What should I do? What would be best for my children? please advise. thanks!

You don't say if you love him.If your not in love with him and are not happy remember that the kids know this.If it's his temper thats the only prob then I think that if he won't get help and he is violent either just verbally or otherwise then you should tell him that he has no choice he gets help or he leaves.

If it wasn't for his temper I suppose I wouldn't be thinking about leaving him. He works hard, good with the kids etc. In love? I'm really not sure. He just won't even discuss getting help and says he won't do it again (but always does). Where would he go to get help? would it be his doctor?

You and your children should not have to live on edge in fear of his temper or waiting for the next little thing to set him off. It's no way to live and it's not fair on any of you.

I'd have a serious talk to him and suggest that unless he gets help you're not sure your relationship can continue.

I have no advice where to go for this - GP could be a start. How about having a look online ar typing 'anger management' or something into google?

Hopefully someone will be along soon with some better ideas for you.

Best of luck. It sounds awful and I have experience of people living this way and understand it can be utterly soul destroying. Your dc will definitely notice and hopefully, for their sake if not his own, he will see that he needs to do something about it. I hope he gets the help he needs.

Pearshape it sounds as though this is really an issue on the love front.If you cannot stand the thought of waking up with him not there then I'd say you do love him.However if this actually sounds like a good thing then maybe it would be better for you not to stay.No one deserves to be living on edge all the time

You know what i would do first? I would record him in full swing! Tape his nasty temper and play it back to him once he has calmed down. Maybe he just doesn't realise how nasty he is being.

I can relate to how you feel living on edge all the time, it's not a nice situation to be at all and it gradually wears you down until you are totally exhausted.

Temper aside for one moment, does he show you love and affection. Is he respectful towards you when he is not in a temper?

that's a really good idea ifonlyhewould! When he's not in a temper he is loving and respectful to me. We actually do get on quite well but the temper thing has always been there. I think just lately it's got a lot worse. Our mortgage is quite large and he's self employed and trying to make ends meet isn't easy, but there's still no excuse for his behaviour. I don't want my little ones to be damaged by this in any way or have horrible memories of childhood.

My guess is he is very stressed. His temper is something within him IYKWIM. It's not you or the children causing it, it's in him. He needs to realise that his outbursts are frightening you and the children and take postiive steps to control it. An even better idea would be to video tape him during a rage but i bet he would be shocked at even just hearing a tape of himself played back.
Is he approachable? Do you think you could talk to him about this, without fear that he is going to fly off the handle!

when an outburst is over and done with he just wants to forget about it and starts being really nice. I keep telling him to get help but he just says it won't happen again, I'm sorry etc etc. Taping him might be a way to make him realise how horrible he is when he's like this.

Yes, i think it might just do the trick

The reason he just wants to forget it and not talk about it is because he is well aware he has overreacted and he himself is ashamed of his behaviour. But i'm afraid as much as he would like he is going to have to face up to it or risk losing his family.
Be firm with him

I've got to go now but will pop back later. Thank you for all the advice so far. I feel better just talking about it as there's no one I can talk to in RL.

Your very welcome

Take care x

i would suggest he either gets help for his temper or you will have no choice but to leave and take the children as you don't want them growing up around that sort of behaviour.