Hi everyone,
I started this post with the aim of it being a short anecdote about ‘what could have been’. However, it has ended up being more of a blog about some of my deepest thoughts. I’m going to leave it here; feel free read it, or not. If you do manage to read all the way to end (it’s a rather long post so I’ll warn you now!) then I would love to hear if you ever have any similar thoughts. Here we go...
I am 28 years old. This year I was lucky enough to be in the position to buy a flat with my long term boyfriend. Since meeting at university 10 years ago, we have been through a lot together; being inseparable during our first 2 years of uni life; surviving a long distance relationship whilst I lived in France for a year; then a breakup of almost two years; starting our relationship again while living in two different cities, and now living together in our own little flat after 3 years of being a couple again. We have had many ups and downs like most couples, but he is my best friend and my partner and I can’t imagine my life without him. I’m hoping in the next few years that we get married and start a family together. I am so excited about the next chapter of our lives! However, whilst I have all of these wishes and dreams for us both, when I have time to reflect and think about life, I sometimes wonder about those ‘sliding doors’ moments. Particularly with the different men I have met throughout life, and I’m not talking about my exes. There are two friends who, at some stage, were a big part of my life and I do sometimes wonder about. Two men with whom I had strong connections, but for various reasons nothing ever happened romantically. I always felt that my relationship with them both was deeper on some level. As I have time to reflect right now, probably as I am approaching 30, and thoughts of marriage and being of child-bearing age enter my head, I can’t help but think about the path my life is taking, and how different it could have ended up being. I don’t gain anything from these thoughts. And it’s not to say I think about any of this often. But they are extremely private, deep thoughts that I thought I would anonymously share with the wonderful people of Mumsnet to see if anyone else ever thinks about their own sliding doors moments, and what could have been.
So who were these mysterious friends, I hear you ask? First let me tell you the story of friend 1, let’s call him Tom. Tom and I met on the school bus when I was 13 and he was 16 and had joined the sixth form my school was attached to. Even at my young age I used to blush whenever I saw him. He was blonde haired, blue eyed and very good looking. He had the typical American surfer boy look going on, and I definitely developed a crush on him. I don’t think I spoke to him until I was about 15, when he was nearing the end of sixth form. I can’t even remember what our first conversation was about, but I do remember that he used to sit with some really loud, obnoxious sixth formers that used to piss the rest of the school bus off. You know the type, the ones who sit at the back of the bus on the upper level, and think they’re the shit. Well, Tom was not like they were. He would sit with them, but he used to look over at me and my friends and roll his eyes whenever his mates did something stupid. This was also in the days of MSN, and I think this may have been how we got chatting. Part of me knew it was a little bit strange, as we gradually began to speak more, online and in person, as he was 3 years older than me. As we began to speak more, the crush I had always had began to grow. And when the time came that he was leaving sixth form, he confessed that he had always had feelings for me. Oh, there’s another small detail I forgot to mention. Tom was Mormon. And a very strict one. He told me that he had always liked me, but had never said anything due to the age gap and us being different religions. I was brought up Catholic (not so strict) and Tom believed that I wouldn’t have ever been interested in him. I think I have always been quite an open person, and after his confession of feelings I was curious to learn more about the religion. He told me that if I wanted, he would send me the Book of Mormon, as well as listen to his stories to learn more about his religion. When I heard about some of the things he wasn’t ‘allowed’ to do, I was quite surprised, as he always seemed so ‘normal’. It made me think that maybe being a Mormon obviously wouldn’t be as ‘strange’ as some people think it is. He opened up a lot to me, about his beliefs and that he wanted to do charity work. After sixth form, he left and went to do missionary work for two years. I was then in sixth form and we stayed in touch and spoke when we could. We discussed openly the fact that we had feelings for each other, but that our different religions were keeping us apart (and the fact he was travelling around the country). He wanted to save himself for the person he was going to marry, and told me that he wanted to marry a Mormon woman. He knew that I had explored the idea of becoming Mormon but ultimately we both knew that it wasn’t me. We both respected each other’s thoughts and feelings and our honesty with each other about everything definitely brought us closer. I remember how bittersweet the situation was. It just wasn’t meant to be.
Then when he came back to our home town two years later, it was my turn to leave to go to university. He visited me a few times at the beginning and then he moved to China to teach English. I then met my current boyfriend and we gradually lost touch. I haven’t seen him since then, but still follow him on social media and have spoken to him briefly over the years. He has lived all over the world and has now set up his own charity. I admire him so much and think he really is an incredible person. I will always look back fondly on my friendship with Tom and wonder, ‘what if?’ It is rare that you connect so deeply with someone and I will always remember what we had (although we never even kissed!)
So, that was Tom. Now, friend 2. Let’s call him Alexander. Whilst on my year abroad in France (third year of university), I taught English at a small primary school. I met Alexander half way through the year when he began to work at the same school. I spoke some French but the purpose of me being there was to develop my fluency. Alexander and I became friends and used to meet for coffee so that I could practise speaking French with him. I introduced him to my English friends and we began to hang out more frequently. He was always such a good friend to me whilst I was there, he would listen to me when I would get upset about how much I missed home and my boyfriend, he would give me lifts to and from the airport, he got on so well with all of my own friends and he was so good with the children. Everyone at the school loved working with him and he had a huge heart. One day, towards the end of my year in France, he admitted that he had feelings for me. I remember that his confession confused the hell out of me because I too had started to find him attractive. I was in a relationship, and I loved my boyfriend, so I told him that nothing would ever happen between us. He was understanding and told me that he couldn’t have let me go back to England without at least telling me how he felt. I appreciated his words and told him we would always stay friends. At 21 I knew that I was young, and appreciated that I might not end up with my current boyfriend. I never told Alexander, but part of me wondered whether something might happen between us one day.
Then obviously the day came, about 18 months later, when my boyfriend and I split up. By then Alexander and I hadn’t spoken in a long time, and I had seen on social media that he had moved to back to his original home in Quebec. A lot can change in 18 months, and I knew I needed time to just be on my own, after having been in a relationship for almost 4 years.
Wind the future forward 6 years and I am back with my uni boyfriend and happier than ever. I rarely think about Tom or Alexander and it’s not that I wish I had ended up with either of them, or miss them, or anything like that. I just sometimes have moments like these, where I have time to reflect, where I think about how different my life could have been if anything had happened with either of them. When I see what they’re up to on social media I smile, and occasionally comment on one of their photos or wish them happy birthday. And sometimes I feel sad that someone who was once an important part of my life, is now no longer a part of it. But that’s life I suppose.
Thank you for reading as far as you have and I hope you have enjoyed it in some way. I feel like I have just poured out some of my deepest thoughts and feelings, and it feels a bit strange to be sharing them. I say deep because they are usually pushed to the back of my mind, and because they are some of my most private thoughts that I wouldn’t need to share with anyone in ‘real’ life.
I would be so interested to hear from anyone else who has ever had any of these ‘sliding doors’ moments, or ever thinks about what could have been. I’m sure we’ve all had them! 