is it me? reality check

[SUNNYONESOTRUE]

I have been fortunate to be a SAHM whilst our children have grown. Finances have been tight on occasion due to loss of contracts, but even so, I have been able to budget accordingly without us accumulating debt with a modest standard of living maintained.

Children have now flown and are blossoming.

Husband has always been able to follow his passions, without detriment to his preferred lifestyle (always has been a present Dad, fun friend to the children etc.
I hasten to add) whereas my focus has always been, over and above myself, our family.

My struggle now is, that I realise, the thought of the next 30 years or so with this person, ‘kowtowing’ (I feel) to his wishes and demands fills me with dread.

I am torn because I think it’s my shortcomings that have left me vulnerable, (too family focussed, possibly to the detriment of our personal relationship, I think?)

I’m not financially independent (due to kids previously, our choice together, and now poorly parents requiring constant presence, he also decides how much to contribute to household which does not cover all bills, therefore I am in debt with c.c.) this ‘breadwinner’ mentality, now means I have no say in how MY life goes, as I don’t contribute financially.

Obviously, this totally comes from my perspective but I’m so ashamed that I feel totally unable to grind out my remaining years for the sake of our family.

I am pathetic aren’t I?

First of all he has to pay off the household bills debt and start funding the bills properly. Have you discussed this with him yet.

Secondly, get a job.

Your poorly parents don't need your constant presence. That might be nice but most elderly people don't have that luxury. Don't hide behind them as a convenient excuse for avoiding your fears. You need to get back to earning.

You are not pathetic.

Thanks so much for your reply Rabbit, employment is most definitely my saviour, this is true.

As parents are 300 miles + at other end of the country I am slightly struggling with my 'duty'.

How old are you and how old are your children? What kind of qualifications do you have? And why on earth isn't your H paying all the bills? I can see he might believe it's time you started working too (and actually I think you should, for your own fulfilment and independence) but he can't unilaterally change the conditions you've agreed.

300 miles?! You just can't do it. Start there. You taking charge of the caring isn't an option.

What's the story with DH underfunding the bills account?

I would definetly get a job if I were you. If, becuase you haven’t worked in so long, you struggle to get a good job- I would ‘start at the bottom’ and work my way up.

Having a job, your own money, new friends would give you a boost and change your feelings.
Good lucj

What excuses does he give for not fully funding the bills?
Have your children actually moved out now, or are they older but still living at home?

This is where I am flummoxed tbh. He has had no issues regarding our financial ‘arrangement’ to date, but obviously not now.

Children have grown and flown.

But I feel that all our married life, he has enjoyed all the ‘fun’ parts, whereas I have had (have chosen) to be more of a guiding light for the children (i.e. regarding relationships, education, life goals, discipline etc.)

I do wonder though, that if he is no longer happy with me as a partner, it would be so much better to split (I am not a woman who needs to feel validated by a man despite our long and mostly happy relationship) Does that sound harsh?

There are too many years ahead, for us both to be miserable.