Confused, Sad, Lost...What Do I Do

[SweetBerries]

Hi everyone,

I started dating a guy about 4 months ago. He’s amazing and we click on every level. After about 6 weeks he told me that he wasn’t ready for a relationship and asked me if we could just be friends. I was pretty devastated but went with it as I didn’t want to lose him from my life.

Skip to two weeks later, we went for a drink and he ended up telling me that hos previous decision was a mistake and he wanted to be with me. I was what he wanted. Obviously over the moon, I said yes and we’ve been together ever since.

We told each other we loved each other about three weeks ago and I’ve been so happy since then. However, he has a lot going on at the moment and whilst I’ve supported him as much as I can, he told me a couple of nights ago that it’s difficult for him to be in a relationship right now and that my mental health issues making it even more difficult (I have depression which I recently told him about - it’s treated and managed but I had a tearful day this week which was when he chose to say this). He has apologised to me several times for that night, but since then he’s been distant and quite cold. I’m not used to it.

I know it’s only been a couple of days and maybe I need to let him feel comfortable again, but every day the communication seems to get worse. I’m just confused. I’m a single mum and whilst I’m trying to just focus on my child, I’m clearly distracted by this and am worried I should bolt before he does.

Alternatively, am I being a t**t? Everything was lovely on Monday and suddenly I feel like I’m facing being dumped. Argh. X

I fear this sounds like a cycle that he's going to increase. The push pull? Drop you, pick you up again. It will destroy your sense of self.
I would back away now (easier said than done)

I'm afraid you have invested far to much FAR too soon. He has been waving red flags right in your face but for some reason you're refusing to see them. He's hot and then he's cold, and when it suits him, he's hot again. But, wait, you need a wee bit of support and surprise, surprise, he's cold again.

You are wasting your time with this man. It's time to take the blinders off and move on.

4 months is waaaaay too soon to be using the L word. He sounds like a player. It’s only been a few weeks. I’d move on from this before you get more hurt.

Crikey it really shouldn’t be this hard after four months op.

You've been pulled in very very quickly and made to feel quite insecure. Do not imagine this is an accident on his part. It's very likely that this is just how he operates with women... Treat em mean, keep em keen.

Get rid op. It's not meant to feel like this xx

Thanks all for being so honest.

I know it sounds like a short period of time but given that we were, until a few days ago, chatting almost non-stop and seeing each other as often as possible, it has felt like a lot longer. I do genuinely think I love him, and I have absolutely said it before I should have done before.

Perhaps should consider ending it and moving on. I don’t enjoy being sat at home in tears not knowing what it is I’ve done. And that’s been the past 4 days. Perhaps it isn’t likely to change.

Perhaps it isn’t likely to change.

Oh I think it will. I think it'll get worse

All this blowing hot and cold is precisely designed to reel you in. He enjoys having that power.

Move on before you get further in

Ok
Think of it this way. You need space from him. He's said outloud that he doesn't see it working and there are issues with your mental health for him

Now, hes done this twice to you in a very short period of time

Is he caring for you? Looking out for you? Making sure that you don't feel abandoned or uncared for?

Look at the actions. You don't want to let go for obvious reasons. Who would want to let go of love? But he has shown you clearly that he cannot give you the relationship you want, that's unless you want to be dropped and picked up endlessly, till you're a shell of a person.
He's being cold and distant because it will make you panic and want him more. Then he has more power over you. This maybe entirely subconscious. But he's doing it to you none the less.

Look up attachment theory and see how you both think you fall into catergories.

And finally, it will not get better

I'm saying that from experience that took me YEARS to release myself from. And I still struggle now.

It’s only been four months and his hot and cold routine already has you in tears, get out while before it gets worse. You’re in love with the fantasy of him and not the reality,

Op just remember that "being in love" with him doesn't mean it's a good relationship to be in.

You can fall in love with almost anyone if you give it a chance. That includes psychopaths and horrific abusers. Being in love isn't a reason to keep seeing someone... You can still choose not to pursue a relationship if it's becoming clear that he's making you miserable.

Just saying. Don't delude yourself that you "should" keep things going because of you current feelings... Feelings are temporary, they can change, they're not things to base your decisions on.

You say it "feels" like you've known him a lot longer, but facts don't care about your feelings. You have only known him for FOUR MONTHS and he has been fucking you around since the beginning. Don't be a mug.

I posted today about an almost identical situation. No advice really but we will both get through it

Sweetberries I don't like the sound of this guy. I've been there before with guys who blow hot and then cold and then hot again and so on. You end up in a tizzy, confused and targets your vulnerability and insecurities and this is what they play on.

You can and deserve better treatment for you and your child

I'm another one who things you're way too over invested and far too soon. Take a step back, put yourself and your MH first - this guy is only going to add to your anxieties.

I believe you can fall in love after 3/4 months of you spend a lot of time with the person so I totally get that. He's adjusting to you having suffered from depression in the past so that's probably making him a bit hesitant and I understand that too.

However - you sound lovely and you don't deserve to be messed around by someone who doesn't have the strength of character to be clear at this point whether he will commit to you. I'd start to pull back and preserve yourself. Let him chase you if he's serious about you.

If you're right for each other and he feels that then he will come to you x

You really don't know him, it takes a long time to actually know someone, their views on finances, parenting, politics, household duties etc.How they handle relationship issues, do they sulk, hold grudges, get easily angry.

I think you have really rushed this, perhaps he has accelerated the courtship which isn't healthy.

He's not reacted well to you shating about your mental health..maybe he wanted a light relationship or maybe he's not compassionate.

Your sad feelings are due to the over investment.
A previous poster mentioned attachment theories.Really good idea..get to know your pattern which is formed through your childhood experiences.

How old is your child? Have they met your boyfriend?

End it. He's the twat. Anyone who punishes you with coldness because you have one wobbly day of tearfulness is not worth your time.