Can I ask you lovely people for some advice please?

[MrsOverTheRoad]

It's for my friend.

She's all at sea and I remembered reading on here, something about looking at the patterns in men who leave...the script I think it's called...or something.

Her DH left her suddenly after 24 years of marriage. Just after their youngest child's 18th birthday.

It's like he was just biding his time till' the kids were "grown up"

There's no ow...my DH knows this guy very well indeed and he has, since splitting with my friend, been internet dating but nothing significant.

He says he feels he was trapped by my friend. They had their first baby unplanned and he thinks she planned this.

He says he never loved her...then why did he MARRY HER!??

What words of wisdom can I offer her ...she's devestated. She's the lovliest woman ever...kind, giving, devoted to her family....works SO hard and now this!

Going against the MN philosophy here: I think there ARE focused women who DO trap weak men.

Badgering men into marriage, where a different type pf woman would have either just left it or found a different man, and where a different type of man would have just put his foot down or found a different woman.

And sad to say, I do actually know two women who purposefully "tricked" their guys into having a baby, both times saying they were on the pill when they werent.

In one case the guy left before the child was born, in the other they are married.

This guy was either a coward or did the decent thing by sticking around til the child was 18, depending on how you see it.

If he was so adverse to having children, he should have worn a condom! I don't think she trapped him but obviously, I will never know.

I’ve heard the line about the unplanned baby ‘planned’ to trap a guy so many times - it’s bullshit to justify a bad attitude.

He’s rewriting history to exonerate himself from being an arsehole. And failing obviously.

If he didn’t want a kid - then wear a condom. If he didn’t want to get married - then don’t. He’s adult man responsible for his own choices.

But being realistic, if you're in a long term solid trust based relationship where you've discussed contraception amd agreed you dont want a child right now, and your partner says shes happy to go on the pill or get a coil, obviously you're going to believe her, arent you?

Gimmeareason Maybe...maybe not. I can tell you this though...if men were the ones who had to take a pill and women didn't...well...I'd be insisting on condoms as well if I didn't want a baby.

No way in HELL would I pass on that responsibility fully to another person.

It doesn't matter. The fact is he has decided he wants to leave the marriage and have a new life. He's allowed to do that.

He can't blame her - he made those choices to have sex with her, marry her and go on to have more children with her. If he married her because she was pregnant, that was still a choice.

Taking it on face-value, I suspect he's rewriting history as people do, to make himself the put-upon hero of his own life that doesn't make him look bad for ending the marriage (he has the perfect right to end the marriage if he wants to, but sometimes people think they need to make the other person look bad to do it).

Fair enough.

I guess regardless, the point is people have the right to change their minds, get divorced, fall out of love.

Its just life.

Yes he probably did bide his time, I would have been doing the same (waiting for the kids to go to uni) if we hadn't been able to rekindle affection and intimacy in our marriage.

The thought of not being part of my kids daily life was worse than staying in a relationship which was a friendship instead of a marriage.

If you grew up in the 70's & 80's there still was some expectation that you would do the right thing and marry a woman if you got her pregnant and only she knows if she lied about being on the pill etc or if its just what he wants to believe.

He clearly wasn't happy and ended the marriage which better that than have affairs etc.

So sorry this has happened to your friend. It's shit. On Mumsnet there's some weird consensus that this is all fine and just another 'choice' in the rich smorgasbord of life

In reality, it's incredibly painful to break up a 25 year marriage. Even if it's not the best marriage, it's hard to have the person you trusted most in the world turn around and tell you they don't love you anymore. And then leave. It's a lot of life you've shared, especially if you had a family together. The children find it hard too.

Your friend will need a lot of time and support. I'm two years on. I'm ok but it's been very hard on all of us. Be patient with her - lots of time chat, wine and nice days out. It's a bereavement and a big adjustment but with good friends you can work through it.

Did he marry her before or after the children came along?

Very probable he didnt ever really fancy her or love her, things were however good enough to stay with her until the youngest left home and he was happy not to rock the boat. He probably knew he was going to leave years ago.

I wouldn't worry about him blaming her. He'll rewrite their marriage now to justify his decision. It's how it goes.
Fuck that shit.
She need to focus on rebuilding her life.

He is trying to make himself feel better about ending the marriage. There's not much she can do about that. How do is she moving on? Is she dating?

24 years of life together is a long time and a lot to lose. I am sure your friend is devastated, but the recriminations are pointless. Your friend with your help will need to start looking to the future, which may be unplanned but she needs to seize the opportunity. Book a weekend away together, join the gym and take her out for drinks, she may very well find that life has something even better waiting for her.