Is it hormones or is he a d**khead?

[LillyPillly]

I'm 4 months pregnant with my 4th child (all 3 previous children are mine and my husband's).

I have been with my husband since I was 17, I'm now 31. I feel like I have grown so used to his crap that I just find it normal now, when it isn't normal.

At the start of our relationship he was ultra controlling and even violent on occasion. He stopped being violent, but even to this day I hate arguing with him because he loves conflict and his reaction is extreme. He will yell, name call, make threats and basically our boys will be in tears and I will end up backing down just because I know he won't stop.

I have even spoken to one of his close friends about it and he said, "if you want to agree to something then you have to make him think it is his idea".

So fast forward 14 years and 3 children.... he has never changed a nappy, never done a night feed, refuses to get up in the mornings with the boys to help me out, even if I've been up all night with our autistic son. He said he is 'not a morning person'. He is a giant man-child. He expects dinner to be ready when he gets home, his clothes to be ready for work, the house to be tidy. Even if he sees one of the boys doing something he doesn't agree with, like writing with a pen on the wall, he yells at me to stop them and doesn't lift a finger.

He is turning 40 this year, just lost 5 kilos and spent $105,000 of our savings on a mercedes sports car. I was furious, but of course I couldn't get angry because he would just blow up 10 times worse. He's either having a midlife crisis or an affair.

He's been going out a lot lately, but I honestly encourage it cos it is easier without him at home and is nice and peaceful.

He hates me mum and has basically cut me off from my close friends. He is away all weekend and when I suggested my mum come over cos he won't be here he refused. Said he doesn't want her around me and the boys.

Every time I am pregnant I feel like divorcing him. I even saw a lawyer last time I was pregnant. SO I don't know if he is just extra jerky when I'm pregnant (probably because I don't want him to touch me). Or if I am too hormonal OR if somehow the fog lifts when I am expecting a new baby and I see him for the person he really is.

My mum is very supportive of me leaving him. As are my best friends. The only thing really stopping me is the thought of sharing custody with him because he doesn't have a clue how to look after our kids, who are VERY demanding. 2 of our 3 kids have autism and are only 5,4 and 2 years old. He has threatened that if we do split up he wants 5050 custody. He has also threatened to quit his job so I would get minimal child support. On his current salary I would be entitled to about $3,000 a month.

Anyway, am I overreacting? He does work hard and as long as I watch his cues then the house is pretty calm and happy.

Help!

That is definitely reassuring because I could cry at the thought of 50/50 custody! I think it might take a couple of weekends, but I don't think he would be able to cope. Especially with a newborn too!!

You do need to leave. Don't delay, the sooner the better. Like pp say, move first, inform after.

I don't know anything about the Australian law but focus on the children's safety and welfare and it should be OK. I would guess a likely outcome would be that he'll be a Disney dad for your older NT child and for "his princess" the new baby when she's older, but he will have no interest in having the SN children or the newborn until she's at least toilet trained. So long as they are safe, go along with that - they will see his true character when they are old enough not to be dazzled by the sparkles.

He won't give up his nice lifestyle and $100k merc to spite you. That would take too much discipline.

Your new baby would be at huge risk growing up with a violent misogynistic father. Far better for her to grow up with no dad at all. Of course he'll claim he'd never hurt her, but he will sooner or later either physically or emotionally. He will call her his princess but woe betide her if she grows up to be a strong independent woman who doesn't worship male dominance in all things - he will do his best to ensure that doesn't happen of course.

Lillypilly 1800respect is the Aussie hotline for women seeking to leave violent relationships. There is also financial support available but I am not sure if this is at a state or nationwide level. Just over the ditch and thinking of you.