Whenever I'm asked the question 'so what does your husband do?', I cringe a little. Not through embarrassment, far from it, I'm incredibly proud of him in fact. I just know what's coming next... 'Ooo, I love a man in uniform', 'does he bring his handcuffs home?' 'Bet he's got a big truncheon..' said with a smirk. Then you get the other end of the spectrum with 'jokes' such as 'oh, better watch what I say!' 'has he tapped my phone?' Or 'quick, hide the drugs!'...I've heard it all, countless times.
These days I tend to mumble something about him being in security and leave it at it...
What people don't understand is that it's another way of life. Want to make plans? I'll check what shift he's doing. Are you coming out on Friday? I'll have to see what time he might be home. Is daddy eating with us tonight? Doubt it. Being 'married to the job' is not for the faint hearted. There are three people in our marriage - me, him and the force.
It's painfully difficult to not resent them, this sounds harsh, I know. What I mean is when you have to cancel plans, rearrange work commitments, put the children to bed on your own for the sixth time that week you can't help but have a little resentment seep in. This may read incredibly selfish, maybe it is, but sometimes you just want them at home.
When they're mid a 19 hour shift and you've not seen them for longer than 3 minutes in nearly a week, that's frustrating. The rushed phone calls are few and far between and are often abruptly ended with a 'I've got to go' when you're mid sentence - also frustrating. All the while they're in this 'force bubble' and you're on the outside. It can be a pretty lonely place on the outside and they're so busy with what they're doing, they're oblivious to the loneliness you're made to feel. They don't understand the importance of a simple 'I miss you' text message or how lovely it is to receive a 'are you and the children ok?' whatsapp when you've not spoken to them all day. This is not because they're arseholes who don't care or are uninterested, but because they are so engrossed in their work they forget that there are people at home who actually miss them so much whilst they're submerged in their world.
When he does finally come home, I've learnt not to bombard him. Despite wanting to tell him all the things that have been going on with the children and I over the past however many days, or want to ask him how is day was, I know I have to leave him be for a while. He needs to unwind, he probably needs to eat or sleep and doesn't need me chewing his ear off about things that may seem so mundane and unimportant in comparison to what he's being doing and dealing with. It's hard because he's my best friend and I want to tell him all the things, I want a hug, I'd like some attention but instead I keep it to myself, tell my girl friends or talk to my mum about the weekly happenings - which is counterproductive in a way as that than creates a distance, but why would he want to hear about my Aunty's friend's sisters dog when he's been dealing with some vile serious job on organised crime?
He's rubbish at switching off, his brain is constantly on the go and on the RARE occasion he has more than one rest day in a row, he can't rest. He always has to be doing. Even when he is at home his work phone is going off or someone from work is contacting him about something or other. He's there but he's not there. Sometimes I want to jump up and down and scream 'HELLO! WE'RE HERE TOO Y'KNOW!' (I actually have done this, it doesn't end well) but that's part and parcel of being married to the job I suppose. Even when he's here, he's not here.
Reading this you may think I'm all kinds of ungrateful for having such a hard working man, I assure you, I am not. I am eternally grateful for every extra hour he works, for every penny he earns for our family, for the house we live in and for the lives it's enabled us to lead. I'm simply trying to explain what it's like living it. It's about a healthy balance between work and home life and when you're married to a police officer, the balance is often skew-whiff.
I'm limited in what job I can do and what hours I work as his job dictates that. I'm solely responsible for every school run, morning and afternoon as there simply is nobody to help us other than me. This is tough as I end up working a job I don't particularly like but am stuck there until our children are of an age to get themselves to and from school. I'm in no way wishing their little lives away, but until that point, this is my life and that's the way it has to be. Ironically, he wouldn't be able to do the job he does or work the hours he works if it wasn't for me working around the children. My role as a wife and part-time working mother may not bring in the big bucks, but it is equally as important and I often feel like I have to remind him of this. Which is stupid, as of course he knows this, he doesn't need reminding of this. I'd like to say it's a team effort but I'm sure he feels like he's doing all the hard graft whilst I'm having a lovely time, but truthfully, I would be having a much lovelier time if he was more present and we saw him more.
I think that the hardest thing when married to somebody in the police, you more often than not feel like a single parent. Sports days, dinner time, school discos, stories before bed - you pretty much do it on your own. The children have never known any different, but it's tough when your daughter is in tears and asking if Daddy still lives here as she's not seen him in days on end. It works both ways, I'm sure he'd give anything to be there with them but there will always be a crime to solve, a baddie to catch or a drugs deal gone wrong...
It's mad that when he is actually off, I guarantee, a row will ensue. Maybe it's the pressure of making the most of the time? Maybe it's adjusting to him being around as the children and I have such a tight solid routine just the three of us? Maybe he doesn't know how to properly relax? Maybe he has guilt for wanting to relax but knows there's a whole list of jobs he'd like to be doing round the house but simply can't be arsed after working a 100+ hour week and why the hell should he?! Or maybe it's all of the above? I wish it wasn't that way, but sadly, when he is off the world can't just stop. There's always somewhere to be, something to do, a child needs dropping off or picking up and we can't fully enjoy that precious family time together. It's like we forget how to be a couple as we're so used to living as separate people. Again, frustrating and also pretty sad.
Sometimes I wish he had a 'normal' job, a 9-5 - home every evening and weekend - kind of job but he would hate it. His job is like a part of him, it doesn't define him as such, but it's all he's known since he was 18 and worked incredibly hard and already achieved so much at a young age. That makes me proud. He makes me proud.
The hardest part to swallow when you're married to someone in the force? You feel very low on the priority list. I'm not, and deep down I know I'm not, but on many occasion it's made me feel that way. At hospital, where is he? At work. Meant to be going out with friends, where is he? Stuck at work. That Saturday I'm meant to be working, yeah can't do it, he's at work. It's those times that it's frustrating, it's those times you're made to feel like the bottom on the list of priorities as work comes first. Me, my job, my plans....the police comes first. You just have to remind yourself that everything he does, he does for us. All those extra hours, he does for us. Whether it's to pay for a new house, a birthday, Christmas, new dining table...it's all for us. It just seems wasted as I know he does it all for us, but what's the point if he's hardly ever here to reap the benefits of all his hard work?
I hate that his job causes friction, I hate this his job makes me resentful at times but it doesn't mean I'm not grateful or appreciative for it. Being 'married to the job' is accepting the long hours, accepting the tiredness, the shifts, the never really switching off from it...It's about being accepting - which I fully admit I'm not always accepting of those things. I married a man whom I love, I didn't marry his career but as I said earlier, there's three of us in this marriage and until the day he retires, there will always be three of us. Accept it and crack on or don't accept it and walk...well I'd rather have the little crumbs of him that I do get than not have him at all. So I'm happy to share him, I just wish I didn't have to share him as much...