How do you initiate the divorce conversation?

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Hi all, name changed as H knows my other username.

Just as the title says really, I’m unhappy in my marriage and want to separate but I don’t know how to start “the chat”.

He’s done nothing wrong, he’s just become more and more not right for me as the years have gone on. We just don’t suit anymore. As our DC are getting older I want to start enjoying the return of a social life, see friends, maybe get drunk and have a dance every now and then... but he doesn’t. He’s happy sitting at home watching boxsets. However, if I suggest I go out by myself he throws a strop and asks why his company isn’t good enough for me.

Basically I’m bored. Very very bored. Bored of being a mum, a wife and nothing else. I feel I’ve lost my identity and feel DH is happy with that.

He has also become very disinterested in me, seemingly only wanting to get physically close if he thinks sex is a possibility.

Also, I think I may have met someone else. I have very firmly pushed those feelings aside as I’m married, however he made me feel more alive in the few hours I met him than DH has in years. That may be limerance or a “grass is greener” thing though.

Basically, sorry for the ramble - my question is, how would you go about the chat and do you think I am being a hideous bitch? We are really good friends, just don’t think we work well as spouses anymore.

Just say 'I think we need to separate' and take it from there.

Have you thought about writing an email
Sometimes it's best to sit and coherently think about things
Obviously don't send it at an insestive time, or even say I am going to send you an email about how I feel, and perhaps we can discuss it.
Anyway that's what I did. I had tried to initiate the conversation so many times and it was just rebuffed
And you're not being a hideous bitch. This is your life. If you're not happy you can't stay with someone for the sake of it.

Sometimes we hang on for years hoping it gets better, which I have presumed you've done. Once it's done it's is SO much easier

Thank you @Worriedrose - that’s a good idea.

If you are totally sure you no longer love him then, as hard as it is, simply but gently tell him exactly that and that you no longer want to be married. Once you have said it it will be a weight off your mind.

Will you offer to move out? As you are the one ending the relationship you should be prepared to do that but make sure you are named on a joint mortgage or have a home rights notice lodged with land registry.

Sorry it wasn't very coherently written
To say exactly what I did

I sent a message to say I was going to send him an email on his way home from work and then I said can we meet to discuss outside of home, if he was happy with that.

I struggle with confrontation, I know I couldn't articulate how I felt either in words or at home. Home was too sensitive. Funny to think it all ended over a burger and a very strong drink

I definitely wouldnt send an email.
Just say what you want to say. In person.

An EMAIL? That's how you break up with a teenage boyfriend, not how you end a marriage, FGS. Arrange a time to talk with no distractions and tell him plainly that you want a divorce.

Some people are not good at talking. An email can get that initial awkward conversation opener out of the way. In amy case the email only says 'I need to talk' it doesn't say 'I want a divorce'.

In my case id met someone on a night out the night before..we were in bed the next morning and I just blurted out neither of us happy etc etc we don't have sex we more like friends and after the shock he agreed and was as certain as me it was over.we were married for 8 years and it was the best decision I've ever made

Exactly 2 years I felt like you. And I just asked him outright "are you happy?" And then took it from there. It was hard as he was oblivious to how bad it had become for me because like your dh he'd just settled down and literally got up went to work 7am came home 6:30 expected his tea on the table and me and the kids to wait to eat with him ! And then would sit on his computer playing games in the back room.
I explained my reasoning and gave him two weeks to think about it, we just carried on existing for these two weeks then he agreed that it wasn't good and he moved out. We're still amicable and have no animosity just accept we'd run our course, we'd been married 25 years and have two teenagers.
Divorce came through the other week and I couldn't be happier.
Just do it and good luck.

I wouldn’t send an email re this conversation though we did do a lot of the sorting out via email post convo as he was very sad.

I got us his favourite takeaway and beers and I said very calmly ‘I want to separate’ he wanted to know if counselling would help (maybe when I suggested it a year before then it would have done but he wouldn’t go then), he was very sad, he cried then we had a deeply uncomfortable few nights sleeping in the same bed and a few days getting through childcare pretending.

I found him a house share, worked out all the finances and we basically only spoke via email about things then he moved out.

I only briefly explained the reasoning - that I had been very unhappy for a long time and that it had become unbearable recently and I was feeling suicidal.

In the lead up I had also left for a night and stayed in a hotel because I couldn’t cope.

Though he was sad I doubt it was a surprise

There had also probably been two years of me explaining and explaining until I was blue in the face how I was feeling and what was making me unhappy so I didn’t want to be drawn into being asked to go over that again as I worried it would just give him false hope that he could change my mind.

The email was to put my reasons across.

Jesus, if you've been together a long time (10) for me, then there is going to be some inkling of what's coming, I needed to coherently write it down. I had said before hundreds of times, we are having problems, we are unhappy, etc etc

No one springs a seperation on someone
So please don't presume I am some childish person who dumps someone on email ffs

I think the issue people are taking with the email thing is because the thread is called ‘how do you initiate the divorce conversation’ @worriedrose...

Ok I take your point!
But I think most people who have got to this point have had enough small chats, that's the impression I got from the ops post.

I take it back then. I first said I am unhappy and I said it about a hundred times before I sent an email

Thank you all. I need to just be brave and do it.

If you are at the stage of meeting other people he needs to know and fast to salvege your friendship... Good luck

Thank you all. I shall not be coming back to this thread as ditching the name change now. You’ve all been very helpful. Thank you.