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Original poster

I don't want to see DP tonight....I am a horrid person

52 replies

coldlocation · 13/10/2017 17:15

Sick of DP's job. Leaves DP tired, stressed ill but DP gets a buzz out of it and is well paid. I apparently cannot understand how much it takes out of DP etc (despite being with ex in same field, but different role, for >15 years). DP has struggled to get thru this week, nearly bailed on a social plan on Tues as was feeling run down but then came anyway (we left early as DP was tired) and has been to bed by 9 every other night this week. Plans we had for tonight have been abandoned as DP texted to cancel this a.m and said "I'd happily just crawl into a hole and die after the week I've had" and told me about feeling ill and shattered... We don't live together and DP is wanting me to go round this eve.... I'm dreading it, DP will have hit the bottle as soon as getting in and will once again get drunk and stressed (ranty, poss teary/emotional) about work, will repeat how shattering it is but refuse to go up to bed unless I go too.... I'm being a selfish cow but I don't want to go to bed at 9 or 10pm on a Friday night or another heavy night of hearing the job woes (the discussions have been circular for 2 years) and will stay up on my account. If I say "I'll stay home, you rest" or even suggest I go up to bed later or go home after a bit there'll be and upset about feeling abandoned at a low ebb. I'll be there wishing I was in own house enjoying peace while my DCs are at the exes for the weekend (he only has them eow so quiet house a rare luxury) . Offered support in terms of helping to get on top of chores DP says slipped because of work stress this week, pick up a, shop and/or make and take food but all those offers been refused. I feel bad for being selfish and unempathetic and just wanting a night in solo. Am I being a complete cow, I just find DP so gloomy after a week at work and I'm not a big drinker.so the drunkenness I find hard to deal with too.. .. How do I even raise this stuff?

OP posts:
disappearingninepatch · 13/10/2017 18:47

So your DC are, quite rightly, your priority but when they are with your X, your DP thinks you should prioritise him?

RedForFilth · 13/10/2017 18:51

I'd avoid even just going for the meal as he will probably try and guilt you into staying. He sounds incredibly dull. I'd bring up with him how you are feeling about it all and voice your concerns as you don't sound compatible.
I was seeing someone for a while who would sometimes say "I'm so tired, will probably be asleep by 9" when he was coming to spend the night at mine. I always told him not to bother coming then. I'm 27, have a toddler and my very very rare child free evenings I did not want to spend them in bed by 9pm or staying up later listening to him whinging about being tired. I also saw it as him basically wanting to come and have sex with me, with the convenience of not having to drive home after. Funny how he was never too tired for sex but couldn't possible stay up later than 9!
Tbh OP I couldn't be with someone like that. If he's unhappy with his life then he needs to make changes, not wait around for you to make him happy.

Bluntness100 · 13/10/2017 18:55

Honestly you need to nip it in the bud, it won’t improve. My husband never used to be job pissed but he is now. Friggen works constantly and gets all stressed and snappy. It is really irritating.

“Blunt my job is very important to me” yeah, no shit Sherlock. I have to really kick his arse to get him to snap out of it “ I’m tired””I’m stressed” , but he can still get up at 6.30 on a sat to play a round of golf. Then comes home all “I’m tired”.

You’re early in the relationship, I’m 28 years down the line. Do you want a life time of this shit? If not with draw from it. It’s bloody exhausting and will only get worse. He’s a whinger who isn’t coping. He will always be a whinger who isn’t coping.

Whocansay · 13/10/2017 18:59

Why is it OK for him to say that he isn't up for anything, but not you? Stay home. Or better yet, make plans with some friends.

I would not be gong to bed at 9pm on a Friday either and he's a selfish bastard if he expects you to just because he is. Say you aren't up for going round tonight. And switch your phone off.

soothers · 13/10/2017 19:10

Hmmm I posted almost the exact same thread some months back and the feedback was that I should be supportive... forever... and increase my part time hours to reduce pressure on him.

The difference is that we are married with children.

Interesting. So if it's not fulfilling OP then find someone who is. These workaholic types don't seem to change sadly.

AcrossthePond55 · 13/10/2017 19:17

Doesn't sound as if you're getting much out of this relationship. He's getting plenty, including how own personal emotional dumping ground! I wouldn't want to be weighed down with all his toxic garbage about work and how horrible they treat him there. Never mind the 'guilting' he gives you for not allowing him to do so. And all this instead of a quiet weekend at home (or out with more congenial company)? Not only no, but hell no!

Your post reminded me of the (very true) saying "Better to be alone than wishing you were".

RedForFilth · 13/10/2017 19:19

soothers the most likely reason is that different posters with different opinions have replied I would imagine. However if you're living together and see all money as family money then maybe more of a balance might make sense and improve quality of life for both of you. Totally different to the OP here as their lives and finances aren't intertwined so I'm not sure how comparable the two situations are?

sonjadog · 13/10/2017 19:29

I missed your thread, soothers, but I think there is a big difference in dating someone who you don´t live with, and being married to them and having children together. In the latter scenario, I think it is more normal to step up and support your partner, while in the former, it may be a sign of incompatibility. After all, that´s what´s dating is for. By the time you´ve got married, other considerations should have come into play.

SipsiCat · 13/10/2017 19:33

Do what you like, he sounds like a self obsessed twat, leave him to his drunken pity party.

Offred · 13/10/2017 19:48

Work/life balance is important.

Yes being able to share your stress with your partner is a part of the relationship but that isn’t the same as managing your life badly and then constantly dumping the inevitable negative shit on your partner.

Ineedmorelemonpledge · 13/10/2017 20:03

To be honest I think I’d just say I had the trots and had to stay home. Then I’d put my feet up in my jammies and watch Netflix on blissful peace.

No one argues with diarrhoea.

Niamhisnotarealname · 14/10/2017 07:51

Urgh, just dump him. you would be doing yourself a favour seriously.

Isetan · 14/10/2017 17:11

He sounds like so much bloody work, if you enjoy being the third wheel to his relationship with his job then as you were, if not, walk away.

Isetan · 14/10/2017 17:14

Funny that you are expected to make allowances for him because of his job but when it comes to your children, he gets stroppy. Come on OP, you should be aiming higher than this man baby.

Original poster
coldlocation · 15/10/2017 23:34

I went to DP's on fri (apart from him having a brief row with his adult son) all went OK until we went up to bed then I got told I'd been cold and hadn't responded to his ". I am worried you are going to leave me because I'm so stressed and under par at the mo" part of a text earlier in the day. I had downplayed it at it seemed so ott. We agreed to end it on sat am but to still go ahead with a planned day out with mates as 'just friends' - the day was lovely, we spontaneously decided to stay over wth the mates we visited. He turned in early, I stayed up reading waay late and came home first thing. He now thinks all is fab, I just think "you are great company and fun to spend a day with when you can put work aside" but realised as I watched him sleep that I have actually lost all sexual interest and desire for him, I find him too needy and clingy and would rather be on my own and that I'd enjoyed the trip so much as pressure of the relationship with.him had ad gone, we were just friends - it was like a blinding moment of clarity. I.now just need to woman up and make it wholly clear that I'm now no more than a friend and suggest a period of no contact. Thank you for all being lovely Friday.

OP posts:
Original poster
coldlocation · 15/10/2017 23:38

... And we have been meeting up on Mondays every night for the past 2 years and I am getting so excited at not having to see him tomorrow. I. Shall have house to self. It will be bliss, utter bliss...own bed to myself....joy.

OP posts:
DamsonGin · 15/10/2017 23:43

Sounds like you've got it fairly clear in your head, I suspect he won't be quite on the same page though.

I.now just need to woman up and make it wholly clear that I'm now no more than a friend and suggest a period of no contact. Thank you for all being lovely Friday.

Yep, needs to be clear as crystal and it might be useful blocking him in all ways possible as part of the no contact.

DamsonGin · 15/10/2017 23:44

And to add, don't blame you at all, it sounds all quite tedious and very self centered.

buckeejit · 15/10/2017 23:47

Good stuff. Glad you've reached the enlightenment stage so to speak & hope it's relatively painfree for you both going forward

ecuse · 15/10/2017 23:50

Good luck, he sounds hard work and it seems like you're making the right decision.

AcrossthePond55 · 16/10/2017 02:16

"We had such a lovely time with . It's so good that we could both agree that it was time to to end our relationship yet still enjoy each other's company as friends. It's taken a great weight off my mind."

Clear and to the point.

RandomMess · 16/10/2017 07:41

Enjoy your new found freedom!

Sparkletastic · 16/10/2017 07:53

Well done for listening to yourself on this and ending it. Now to get him to understand that it is over....

TheSockGoblin · 16/10/2017 11:59

Well done! Seriously people like this just drain you.

I split with my ex in part because of a similar attitude - working all hours at a job he hated, taking on loads of overtime and doing nothing but moan about it constantly. And yet with a few minimal lifestyle changes and being a bit more money savvy he could have had more than enough money without 'having' to take on so much at work.

It was SO boring and draining. Once I used to look at him and couldn't imagine ever finding a man I was so attracted to ever again. By the end of it, I couldn't connect to that feeling at all. The relief in not having to hear the same bloody moans about the same bloody stuff, without doing a single thing to try and change it, was immense.

You've made the right choice!

Ohyesiam · 16/10/2017 17:18

Well done love. That founded like rely hard work.
Enjoy your freedom x