money issues enough to break up a family over? How can I get through to him??

[Dustbunny1900]

Can't ask family/friends as I don't need them in my business judging my situation forever, but need some other views and advice!

So DH and I have been together 6 years. I have an almost ten year old DS from previous man (DS loves my Husband and considers him his real father) and we have an 8 month old together. We have seperate bank accounts and split the household bills.

But recently DH has started getting more..financially unstable. His job is seasonal and during the winter he "takes on odd jobs and makes it work" , he stopped paying his credit cards so credit has tanked, and his car is not reliable and on its last legs. He has no savings.
So now I feel like the "default adult" and very stressed about my own credit,car, and savings (all of which are in good shape, knock on wood) but resentful that it's on MY shoulders more. I want an equal, dependable partner financially. I don't want to be poor forever. I've been on his ass for a long time about applying for better/real jobs but he says "I don't know where to start!" Like he's some lost little teen. I suggested getting a CDL and he just goes quiet or comes up with an excuse. Like he's too good for it.

He's 12 years older than me, college educated, from a wealthy family, and no criminal record.hes also extremely book-smart and speaks 5 languages. I'm frustrated, as I was raised in a more rough "no excuses, Do what you gotta do" mentality

It's really starting to affect our marriage and I'm becoming resentful, and losing respect and desire for him. I need to respect him as a man and his lack of ambition is killing it. I'm scared I've gotten myself into a marriage where I'll just "exist" and bear it.

BUT everything else is great. He's loyal, faithful, kind,adores me and the boys, does his share of housework, he's great in bed and puts my sexual needs at the forefront, he's a decent good person. and I cannot think about breaking up our family.My oldest son was left by his bio dad and he would be devastated if me and DH broke up.

I was crying last night cause I just don't know what to do. How do I get through to him

Please dont leave this conversation unsaid.
I spent 7 years in a constant state of anxiety over money because of my husbands inability to handle his finances. ( not in a'forgot to pay the gas bill' way, but in t9he'running up 41k of debt behind my back way)In the end it was that that killed my respect and love for him as I just couldnt trust him.
It may be that he feels secure with you as the'responsible one' so is entirely oblivious to how it makes you feel.
If he comes from money he may have been raised with a lack of concern over money...
Or it could be he is just feckless.
What comes across is how unhappy this is making you and how damaging it is to your relationship which has many many good parts. It sounds like you are willing to work with him towards change. If he is, you will be partners in those changes. If he is not, after you have told him how you feel..you have your answer.
It will not be easy to start. Do you keep a monthly budget? Do you save for hols? Perhaps if you discussed saving for something you'd both enjoy and work on a budget over a glass of wine, you could share your income and outgoings with him then ask him to share his? It might show him on paper the disparity and tell him how you feel. Do you use the words'I'm worried about our finances'? How does he respond? If you do not have this conversation now, you cannot hope to have time to change. You may have issues over money that simply he doesnt and if he loves you he can help you as much as he can change too.Good luck !

Please please please read my thread from start to finish!! Its on here called 'my boyfriend is financially irresponsible'. I've just been through the a similar situation!
Amazing advice on there which i followed and am 100x happier.

Best of luck. I know your pain xx

What's the financial split like if not 50/50 and how many hours is he working less than you?

Lack of ambition wouldn't bother me but not meeting his share of the bills or doing little work would.

I will go read that thread, thanks!

So far he's been good with paying his half, i haven't had to pay any of his bills but the water pump on his car gave out this week and it really struck home the fact that if his car died (which it eventually will, probably soon) that I'd have to fork out the down payment and put my name on the loan.

It's just that his job isn't reliable enough and doesn't make him enough, he does contractor work and right now he's working for his father on his horse ranch.
I've expressed my anxiety many times and at first he gets defensive but then says "I know you're right, I'm not the man I want to be, I just don't know where to start looking for a better/real job" bla etc.
I gave him some ideas last night so we will see if he follows up

Yes he was raised in a more privileged existence where he was told what to do and had jobs handed to him I think. He's not a go-getter , but maybe that can be learned?

"I know you're right, I'm not the man I want to be, I just don't know where to start looking for a better/real job" bla etc

That's rather pathetic. Can't he start with recruitment agencies like the rest of the population?

What's a CDL?

I think you need to be brutally honest just how upset it is making you feel and how it is making you feel about him - he is getting away with it because it isn’t affecting him, but maybe if he realises just how much it could affect his life (i.e. you leaving him) it might be the kick up the backside he needs? And tbh if his car does die I would not be shelling out for his deposit - his car, his problem. Don’t be the parent in the relationship.

Are you earning enough to be the 'main wage earner'? Have a look at the domestic/childcare responsibilities and see if it makes financial sense for him to take on the bulk of these and work part time. Basically, if he's not able to contribute money there are other things of value he could do.

What has he been buying on his credit card (and not paying off)? If it was stuff for the whole family, I think you probably should consider helping pay it off. If he's just carried on spending on unnecessary stuff tho, you need to have a very serious conversation.
I have a nasty feeling your credit rating won't remain untarnished for long if he continues to accrue debt - as a married couple I think his creditors could treat you as jointly responsible.

Have you thought about pooling your resources? Lots of families do this. You're a team, together as a couple and financially. But do you feel like he's acting as part of a team? Do you feel that he's lacking ambition? You say he makes it work with top up jobs? Is he? If not then that's a problem. If he is, then is it a problem really?

For years I was the main earner and DH less than me but he worked hard and so it wasn't a problem. It's just that he chosen industry paid less. Now he's the main earner and I work part time, looking after the children more. For us we rub along and make it work. But it sounds like it's not working for you?

Does he understand how much this bothers you?

Sorry, CDL is a commercial drivers license, around where I am companies are always looking for drivers. Truck drivers, bus drivers, delivery, etc
He accrued this debt long before we met, got mad cause they started charging him 20% interest despite good credit and just said "can't afford it, not gunna pay it, fuck you" basically.

Yes it is very pathetic, if you aren't who you wanna be, get off you ass and do something about it would be my first thought..not wallow in self pity
But then I've learned that people make time and effort for things important to them, not excuses. I may have to give him a wake up call

Assuming he's late 30s or 40s, he's unlikely to change.

maverick for me, I have a lot of money/security anxiety so when he says "I'll figure it out, I always do" that makes me very nervous, cause I want a dependable job for both of us where if something happens, there's a safety net and steady money.

But maybe that's what a lot of people do and I'm being a little OTT control freak..which is why I'm glad I'm asking lol, to get other views

he says "I'll figure it out, I always do"

Yeah, but he hasn't figured it out, if he has lots of debt and a bad credit rating - he's just ignored it. It's worrying if he believes he has got things sorted - but I suspect it's more that he's in denial.

if his car died (which it eventually will, probably soon) that I'd have to fork out the down payment and put my name on the loan

You don't need/have to do this!
Instead, you use that opportunity to force him to deal with his responsibilities.
Tough love is what you give him....not bail him out or let him use your car instead.
"No car? Tough - walk, use public transport even if that means waking up at the crack of dawn"

"I'll figure it out, I always do"
Translation - "I'll land on my feet like i always do because someone else will do the thinking/doing/sacrificing to ensure everyone and everything is still provided for"
Why does he need to bother getting a job with a regular wage when he knows he's got a large inheritance coming his way at some point?
He doesn't feel the weight of responsibility because he knows he can run to the bank of Mum and Dad to bail him out whenever he wants.

Do not take any loans out in your name for him.
He sounds like a lazy feckless twat who l owe you will bail him out.
Stop being a mug. Make sure your finances are separate and I would give him a time limit to sort out his debt problems. Otherwise I would leave.
Don't hide it from family or friends either. You will need them.

Yes, don't end up getting a loan for him - that way he'll end up ruining you all financially. Plus you're enabling his fecklessness by bailing him out.

Have a serious conversation, with a relationship counsellor (or a financial advisor) , depending who he'll take most notice of. Make him aware that this is a threat to your marriage.

if his car died (which it eventually will, probably soon) that I'd have to fork out the down payment and put my name on the loan

Why would you post here about being desperately worried about money and then even consider taking a loan out for him?! I don't understand some people!

He can walk or cycle or take the bus, surely?! If he's useless with money, surely you can see that by bailing him out every time something goes wrong-you are part of the problem!

Appuskidu, we don't live in the city with any real public transport so a car is a necessity for commuting to work.we are married and I'm trying to see things as working as a team , if he doesn't have a car to get to a real job then I'm left holding the bag even more is my worry.
I haven't done anything like that yet , I was just using it to illustrate how I'm the one with savings and credit ( more recent situation, wasn't like that when we met. The credit card situation has surprised me as he's been good with paying debts )

It's not so much he's useless with money as that he is no being proactive or aggressive enough job searching because he was raised having his family tell him the careers he was going to do and because back then the economy was a lot better.

But I had a talk/rant at him last night so I really hope he gets it cause if not I'll go to my moms to give him a little wake up call

got mad cause they started charging him 20% interest despite good credit

Isn't that pretty standard for credit cards?

He has to break out of the teenager role:
he was raised having his family tell him the careers he was going to do

Right now you are letting him stay in that role:
I gave him some ideas last night so we will see if he follows up

I'd say you need to lose your rag a bit more, don't offer advice, don't make job suggestions, in fact point blank refuse to get involved at all. He said he would sort it out. He hasn't. "Sweetheart, get your work situation sorted out like you promised. I don't care how, just stick to your word."

You've got to step right back, state the outcome required and make it clear he and he alone is responsible for making it happen. You are too damn busy with your own shit to wipe his arse for him.

Annie, according to him it started as 9% , but I never mess with credit cards myself

Yes you're right, I shouldn't be job searching for him, just pisses me off when he says "there's nothing out there for me to do, idk where to apply" so I start spouting off options.

I work in a hard industry and I'd prefer a better job, but it makes me good money and I do it for my kids financial security so it gives me the absolute rage when he says "well, idk if I WANT to drive trucks as a job"
Well that part was a rant but yeah. He's lined up something for Monday thank Christ

He would have been informed of an interest change like that. And 9% seems pretty low as a starting rate (Oddly so, to me.)?

Low rates generally are a short term offer or you lose it by missing payments etc. Most people would move the balance to a new card with a better rate.

I think it's pretty worrying that he's prepared to screw up his credit rating on a whim/some sort of misplaced sense of injustice.

I could have written this although my situation is much worse. DH is 50k in debt from trying to run a business on credit cards.He was trying to prove a point to his former employers when he lost his job. He doesn't take any responsibility for getting into debt. Apparently if he didnt have a family it wouldn't happen. Never mind I was contributing 50-50 to the house hold at the time.
Now I pay for 90 percent of the house hold costs so that he can keep enough money for his fags and 7 cans of beer a night.
One day when I felt desperate, I spoke to SIL about him getting therapy. I offered to pay but the response was "I have never known him to drink 7 cans of beer"
And other responses which made me feel like I was making things up about her brother.

So I still pay all the bills. He spends the little money he has on beer and fags and fucks off to go and meditate for 3 hours a day while I work tirelessly to keep things ticking over. Oh I also paid for him to re-train to help with my business but it was too boring so he stopped. I dont love what I do either but it pays the bills. I would rather be writing for a living but it's not realistic.

I have lost all respect for him. It's really hard to leave when we have 3 DC. I feel stuck because my family live in a different country and I don't have a support network. Divorce is not feasible

All I can say is, If you don't sort it out now it would only get worse.