FRIEND ADVICE

[BAHH00]

Bit lengthy but.... About 4-5 yrs ago I got friendly with DC friend's mum. (Friend A ) Turns out DH, DC and me all got along brillliantly and she suggested lots of outings holidays etc. She also introduced me to her good friend (Friend B) who doesnt go out (money issues) as much and we all started hanging around. I became good friends with both but closer to A and wouldn't want to step on toes by seeing B without A. Then about 2 or so years go A introduced Friend C to the group they started to go out , outings etc. our family kind of excluded. Anyway friendships change so despite feeling excluded as we no longer meet up without C but A&C meet up often. I carried on as normal. So to cut a long story short I had a falling out with A. I have tried to reach out to no avail. In fact last text was asking to meet up to clear the air as we have mutual friends and DH and DC are good friends this was met with 'I dont have time.'

But here is where I need the advice. Friend B still invites me in group text of us 4 to our regular night. Friend A blanks me on this group text. Friend B&C esp C are friendlier with A than me. So what do I do go when sometimes there is only A&B or do I just leave it. Friend C I think is pretty happy wth my fall out TBH. So basically I only hear from friend B not A or C.

If anyone understood that at all what shall i do going forward.??

What is their reason for leaving you out?

Guess she preferred friend c at any rate what happened happened now it's what to do with these connections and moving forward !

Hmm I'd be tempted to ask B if she's aware why you've been dropped.. that said I don't think friend A is a nice person and better off avoiding anyway. Sounds like C is far more fun to her .. let them be and find some friends elsewhere x

Well been dropped in terms of friend A and I had a fallout. Friend b wants to remain neutral and so won't comment on what a is thinking. I'm beginning to think it's a bit childish we are grown woman so can keep it friendly without being all best pals again. Anyway messaged back about our night asking what time and if their DC going nothing back

I think you're right when you say friendships change. I would drop them and move on to finding new friends.

And that's the problem wd happily walk away but dc and dh friends with hers and we have lots of other mutual friends.

Find friends D, E, and F. Time to move on.

Friendships through the kids can be fickle ones. Some of my dearest, most meaningful friendships are with primary school parents from years ago. But I've also befriended really lovely parents and had great times but ultimately the friendships just didn't go the distance.
Step back and let go. You'll meet new friends.

I think it possibly depends on what the fall out was about. If it was something serious, that might be an issue. If trivial - well then not worth hanging onto.

Yes I have other friends it is just these are all school mums and I get what you mean. It just means now for parties or clubs all the other friends will be there and their DC and where does that leave mine. The kids are all really tight have been for years :-(

I think realistically things hadn't been good for a while esp since C changed the dynamic and the fallout gave A the excuse to get rid. Fallout wasn't serious. Problem is there are lots of friends around this group and we all are friends and the kids too. That's why I can't see why she wants to be so final given the circumstances

It does depend on the sort of fallout you had. If it was over something silly and she's basically an ok person I'd message her and explain that you understand she doesn't wish to socialise with you any more but you would be grateful if your differences didn't affect the friendships of the children.

If, however, its serious issue, it's quite possible she won't wish the dc to remain friends and you may need to look at extending the friends you all have.

If friend B remains friendly just continue to see her as you can and remove yourself from the group chat.

Not sure if I'd be too worried about DH friendships but I see what you mean about the children.
It would be pretty mean and petty if she left your kids out. That will give you an indication of her true colours.
I would still let go but keep it civil. I can't see what else you can do.

How old are the kids? Are they older where you don't have to stay at parties etc?

Kids old enough to leave. What do I do about this regular night with families ? Friend b inviting us to stay neutral but A making it obvious we not welcome . So bloody childish in fact all of it juvenile !

I think you have two choices. Either speak to her - as in insist, not just offer. Maybe turn up with a bottle of wine? Or - let it go.

It’s entirely your business of course - but would it be out of order to say you’re being a little cagey about the reason for the fall out... in my opinion this is key. You don’t have to post that on a public forum - but only you know if the reason for the argument justifies the reaction.

Or - just turn up and ignore any nonsense - rise above. Option 3!

I'm being cagey as don't want them to recognise the post. I think the friendship is a no go. A good friend wd see past an argument I think this was an excuse she needed. It's more what to do now just keep gong to this night or withdraw completely. I am friendly with the other people who are on the edges and worried people will pick a side ! A hasn't been that nice since C came along. Lots of text digs, putting me down , etc

Ahh sorry yes option 3 just go along .

As long as this woman is ok when in her company you should go.

This is your life not hers it's about what you want not what she wants.

Seems like you were responsible for the fall out given your reluctance to discuss it.

She's under no obligation to interact with you again. You say you offered an olive branch but she obviously doesn't want to make up with you.

Agree with above poster. Counsellors always say - you can’t control others’ actions, only your response to them.

So as you can’t control what she does - your options are to stay away, or go along anyway.

If it were me, I’d prob go along anyway and just be friendly. But of
Course that depends on the reason for the fallout. If I’d slept with her husband for example, that might be a reason to stay away

(I’m not suggesting for a minute that was it by the way - just kidding - but making the point that it all depends on the severity of the crime )

No she doesn't weird thing was after fallout A&C said all was fine and they didn't want to discuss. So continued on as normal then some months later A had a go at me about everything 'clearing the air' she called it. More like an attack. Since then weirdly as u wd think things wd be better we are at no contact stage. It's so awkward that I suggested we meet up but she didn't want to. Non of the other pals know outside us 4 yet. So going to be pretty awkward all rd ! We all in our forties so not kids !!! Yeah fallout was my fault for reacting to something that was said , last straw type thing.

Ha ha no if it was that serious I wouldn't need to post lol

It was just a stupid thing someone said something a little dig about an issue and due to being under stress etc I ended up losing the plot a little and called A&C up on how actually I was upset too etc as I say tho we were replaced by C anyway and she goes out of he way to be no 1 friend and it's not a competition so no need . I know I sound jealous and it hurt a little being replaced but enjoy the group and all the other friends . Do u think they will pick sides ? Sometimes people end up going along with the majority so that would be the others .

I'd go and be polite.

B, by inviting you, has made it clear that this is what she hopes you'll do.

In larger friendship groups (and this night out suggests the group is larger than just the 4 of you) fall-outs will happen and you jus have to be polite and give everyone space.

Regard the fall-out as a 'distancing from close-friendship with A' rather than an expulsion from the group as a whole.

Be polite but distant with A and make it clear that you - being an adult - can manage all sorts of different levels of friendship/acquaintance, you're not all or nothing in friendships, you can also negotiate changes in levels of closeness. She will then look a bit immature if she doesn't follow your lead in being distant but polite.

Don't let a falling-out with A knock you out of the group. That's madness. They are all adults - and your friends too. They are not a children's play-set, that A let you play with for a bit while she was friends with you but - now you've fallen out - you can't play with her Playmobil! They're your friends too!

I think B is sending a strong message by inviting you. I'd go with B's message.

Yes. People do pick sides. Or they try to negotiate other ways of seeing friends.

And there is always the thorny issue of power. Bizarrely, you get situations where A is pissed off that D seems popular, so falls out with D in order to 'test' her popularity in the group.

Nuts, eh? Almost unblelievable - but I've had a friend explain to me how she did that to someone. Crazy behaviour. People ... so tricky.

Anyway, point is: B has invited you. So the choice is yours. Personally, i think I'd go. And enjoy the company of the other people in the group who are your friends .

That makes a lot of sense @catfromjapan

Often it's is just 4 of us and Dh and DC . Friend C has made it clear she has chosen a side but I See you are right B is sending a message to all . I think A having a go at me was to make sure our family didn't go on holiday they are all going I hope they don't poison friend B while away.

Yes if I try to carry on then I won't look Ike the huffy petty one ... wish we weren't all connected so I could slink away