Am I abusive?

[getmeoutnow]

Is it likely that I’m abusive if I worry about being abusive?

Sorry I can see what you all mean when I read back my chicken example.
I’ve not really explained myself very well and the chicken scenario didn’t actually happen but I can’t give you a concise example.
Msgame - yes that sort of scenario is a regular occurrence and I would say he is overly critical.
Pp2017 - I agree that we are now in a vicious circle that I want to break but DH doesn’t seem to want to acknowledge his part in this

Sounds a little like he is gaslighting you (making you question your own perception of things). Is he generally manipulative?

In your example he was just saying the chicken tastes a certain way. He wasn’t criticising it. It sounds like you’re overreacting

Meant to say I sympathise - I used to shout sometimes in sheer frustration because I just couldn’t seem to get through to DH. I can identify with the manipulation too. I think some of these behaviours go back to childhood actually. DH & I have a much healthier relationship than we used to & we communicate in a much more adult way but he does still tend to slip back into manipulating a situation if he is reluctant to take responsibility. It’s all about boundaries. I am not the person I was & I can be more assertive now but sadly we had to reach a very low point for things to improve. In the end DH realised just how much he had to lose. Have you considered counselling?

It does sound like you are both in a vicious cycle expecting to be criticised by one another so jumping straight into defensive modes. You need to both break the cycle. A marriage counsellor could possibly help.

I would recommend you read "the verbally abusive relationship", it really does illuminate unhealthy communication patterns.

The conninet about power is crucial, how is the relationship in terms of balance?

From a quick glance it does look like you might overreact and you certainly can change your behaviour.
A good way to approach this is to "observe not absorb"
Taking the chicken example, try not to react until you have reflected.If he makes a negative comment practice boundaries, "that comnwnt sounds harsh to me, could you rephrase that"
Also write a journal of these incidents, it really helps to build a picture.

I’d be up for a marriage counsellor but he isn’t.
There has been a lot of bad things happen in our relationship in the past and I’m not sure if there’s too much to get over it.
We are looking to make a new start in a new home which would mean he lives apart from me and the kids until our house is ready. (Approx 4 months) I’m hoping this will be the rest and potentially a chance to break habits that we are stuck in.
Either that or it will show that we are better apart.
Here’s hoping things improve.

@SheRaaarghPrincessOfPower I’ve heard about Grey rock - how does it work?

@Hermonie2016 thanks for the reading recommendation, I will give it a try.

One thing you could do with the book is mark which parts are true of the relationship, and then go back to the book and review after fights. It could help you sort out what is happening. “Why does he do that?” Is another good book.

What does he get out of these interactions? How is this dynamic work for him?

What bad things have happened in the past?

I have a feeling he may be abusive towards you.
A lot of abusers accuse their partners of being abusive.
Definitely read the Lundy Bancroft book recommended already.
I think he probably knocks you down and knocks your confidence a lot.
Start making a diary of what happens and when.
What has set it off and what he has said.
Continually criticising someone is a horrible thing.
Look into the Freedom Programme as well.

Next time he tells you something negative about your cooking tell him he is happy to make something new for himself.
I understand why you are shouting. I don't shout but my Dh also winds me up and then when I loose he twists it against me but he doesn't see the root of it.

Abusers very rarely engage in marriage counselling because they do not think they have a problem at all. The blame is always on their partner.

Agree with previous pps about Lundy Bancroft book and the Freedom Programme.

In the past we’ve had an episode of infidelity at the same time as discovering a pregnancy.
We have sexual incompatibility issues.
The reason I haven’t left? I believe everyone deserves a 2nd chance and given how much of my life I’ve invested into us and our family I would like to say I did try to steer us through the choppy waters.
It really is a toxic relationship and there never seems to be any inroads to healing it.
That said, I think I’m only just realising where we go wrong repeatedly and what role I play in it all.

His infidelity or yours?

How was the infidelity resolved? Did you work through it properly or was it just —the sunken costs fallacy— ‘well we’ve been together so long and it would be hard to split so we might as well carry on’?

It's not that easy to tell from the example you've given. That said, whenever I see women on here, saying that their partner has told them they're abusive, my first thought is always to wonder whether they're the ones being abused.

My ex used to tell me I was abusive. In fact, that was the first time I ever considered the possibility the relationship could be abusive. Before that, I would have used words like 'turbulent' or 'volatile'. And I did used to behave abusively sometimes - shouting, swearing, name calling - because I'd get so frustrated with the way our arguments went. I second pp's saying read Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That? I think it will sort out a lot of your confusion; it did for me, and many other women. It's not an exaggeration to say that book is life changing. Also look up the 'abuser types' thread on here, it's lifted straight from the book, and you'll probably find it helpful. Some abusers never even raise their voice.

Please google 'Sunken cost fallacy' as suggested above.
It's an eye opener!

It was his.
I’ve read about the sunken fallacy and do see the point being made but I would like to make the attempt to improve things first. I believe he deserves a 2nd chance. 18 years have passed (not all bad) and I see no harm in giving some time to steer things back to a good place.
I’m not one for extending those chances either so I will stick by my word.

I don’t intend to live how we have been for any longer so if a change doesn’t happen within the relationship imminently then it will be over.
The suggestions on here are all things I’m going to try.
I do want to explore his comments about me being abusive. I do however think this is more in reaction to his behaviour. In a sense I’m masking his faults by reacting abusively in reply so I need to get on top of this.
As a plus it’s self improvement and creating a better example to my DC.

Do you think what is happening is the infidelity has been swept under the carpet and there is now a seething mound of resentment (you for the unresolved infidelity and him for you ‘not being over it’) and this is what is coming out indirectly with his criticism and your rage?

Yes I think that is a possibility.
I fell pregnant just before he cheated so the focus was pushed on to the baby being a fresh start without ever having dealt with the cheating properly.
It was a tough time and looking back you are right, I think he was unable to ever be truly repentant and express contrition when I was going bat shit crazy at the drop of a hat.
I do believe that he is having said that.

If that is the problem then counselling would really help as you do need to be able to communicate about this properly in order to resolve it.

If you don’t then effectively you are both being held hostage in a crappy relationship.

If he is emotionally manipulative / abusive, counseling could make things worse. He could twist things to make everything look like @getmeoutnow's fault, and use things he learns about her in counseling to make home life even less tolerable. Honestly, I think that books or solo counseling make more sense.

I think he sounds like a piece of work. He is shitty to live with, has screwed around, but convinced her that she's the problem.

Is he screwing around again? Is he shitty at home, gets you all worked up to take focus off of what he is up to at other times?

But that’s the thing there is no real information on the thread to really decide. It could be they are in a toxic pattern where they are both behaving badly towards each other because they never dealt with the affair or it could be he is PA, manipulative, controlling and gaslighting, or the OP could be verbally abusive and exploding...

No info...

It is hard to advise!

Solo counselling is not always helpful re abuse either as sometimes can focus on you and your own reactions being ‘problematic’ in a way which erases any abuse....