Why can some men not discuss things rationally? Do they ever mature?

[BG2015]

I’m 48 and I’ve had 3 serious adult relationships.

My first was at 19, married at 26, 2 kids by 33. He wasn’t ready to be a husband or father, lacked maturity, didn’t help around the house or with the kids. We’ve been divorced for 10 yrs and he’s a great dad now, the kids love him and we’re good friends. How he is now is the man I wanted in my 20’s.

Second relationship was with an ex army guy, articulate, generous but very serious and bordering on controlling. He would ignore me for days if we had a disagreement- he could only argue by shouting. Six years wasted.

I’m now with my current partner, together for 3 years. Vastly different upbringings and political differences have made for some interesting conversations. He’s funny, generous and kind but cannot for the life of him have a decent discussion/argument. He loves that I’m independent and speak my mind but also seems to hate it at the same time. He will refuse to listen to my point of view and only after the heat of the moment will we talk about it more sensibly.

He’s 52. I love him to bits but I just want to have an adult discussion that doesn’t escalate into more than it needs to be!

You seem to have the same type of guy three times in a row, I'm sorry it has nt worked out for you,but generalising is nt helpful. I mean this nicely but you need to analyse the choices you made

You also need to look at yourself and the role you play during these 'discussions' perhaps you are not being insightful enough with yourself!

Maybe your definition of a debate is not the same as your exes

All 3 men are TOTALLY different personality wise but all lack maturity. It’s not until you’ve known them a while that you realise this.

Oh for a crystal ball.

You are the common denominator!

What happens when you argue with the current one, how does it escalate?

It's pretty common to not be that great at discussion when there's heat in the air and come back to it more calmly later, so if that's what's happening, I'd forgive yourself and him and say it's fine. But if he's just really shouty, defensive and unreasonable without cause then obviously there's a bigger problem.

They're not TOTALLY different personality-wise though are they?

They are the same in this way.

Ignore everyone else who is implying you're the problem here because I think that is not at all proven or even frankly suggested from what you've said.

(Except Trills who speak sense as always)

I wouldn't call it immaturity, some teenagers can listen and debate rationally, plenty of adults are rubbish at it.

Would your current partner consider couples counselling - it sounds like there are lots of good things in your relationship, but this is a big issue for you.

You might also like (ideally for both of you, but you might find it helpful even if he wouldn't read it) the book Nonviolent Communication by M Rosenberg - it's a bit 'self-help-y' but if you can get past that there's an awful lot of helpful insights IMO.