I don't know if I'm onto something or paranoid.

[mustangsilly]

To start with I've been treated for depression and anxiety in the past, not for about two years though.

We had friends of mine stay last year, dh didn't know them before then. It was ok but glad when they left, he was keen to see them go.

Fast forward a few months and friend left a birthday message with a kiss on his fb wall. Nothing unisual in that but i didn't realise they were friends on fb although i have no reason to think anything of it and her dh has since added me as a friend.

I've seen friend several times since they stayed and dh has seen her maybe three times (with me)

dh works away a lot and over several months i've noticed when hes away him and friend are online on fb at the same time a lot. all through the day i see them online at the same time. i know she plays games online like i do but what i really noticed was they go offline at the same time.

I will see one online then the other one. I try not to think too much about it but then they go offline within a couple of minutes of each other. Over and over again. It's like one has sent the other a message and the other gets the ping or whatever and goes online to check or answer then they have their conversation and go off and do something else and so go offline.

I don't trust my gut as mn often tells us too becuase i get worked up about something and when I ask dh there's always been an explanation and i feel like a fool afterwards. when he's home he leaves his phone laying around and i have the password. i hate looking on his phone but when i have i havent found anything to support my suspicions.

i do have a tendency to get worked up over something and build it up to something huge in my head but can;t stop myself so i often dont know if i'm right or just creating a situation in my head.

While i was tying this post they were both offline and had been within two minutes of each other. dh came online and answered a message i sent him earlier and friend was offline. Now they are both online.

If i ask him i'll look like an idiot if it is just coincidence but if it isn't I've shown my hand haven't i?

I feel sick and on the edge of a panic attack the whole time.

they are both offline again now within 2 minutes of each other.

Just want to add here something that I'd forgotten about but dancing triggered - my x and Ow met through work connections - he told me they had got close after his dm died - she had lost her DF about a year before and so understood - why he didn't talk to me I have no idea - anyway the relationship developed from this - I remember seeing a lot of sympathy messages he got from colleagues etc and hers was odd - I can't remember now in what way but for someone who hardly knew him it was a bit too personal from what I can recall.

I believe she had designs on my X - both her & her DH lost their jobs at the same time which put them in a financial mess - she came to x for help. She was well aware of my lifestyle x posted holidays etc on twitter and I believe she flattered his ego professionally first and used his vulnerability over his dm as a hook. She has a very nasty streak to her which I witnessed when she thought x was staying with me - but also comes across as a bit of a Niave female

Watch out that's all I can say - it may be purely innocent from your DH viewpoint - see if you can see if there is a pattern again with who's on first etc - she may be trying to hook him in just with the game - who knows - I expect your anxiety depression is because I are picking up on signals that hasn't yet made it to your consciousness - also if u are fine when out with friends etc and this is just triggered by them it is for a reason.

The times I talked myself around thinking I must be paranoid but I have tested myself by writing things down if I suspect something and have proven myself right more times than wrong

And if it's a game you think they are playing I think I would start getting interested - you can set up group chats on FB

I've been proven wrong most of the time which is why i dont know what to think. i feel sorry for dh sometimes. he;s had years of me suspecting things which arent true. like i saw he had a different email address and drove myself crazy over it thinking he must be trying to meet women. i eventually asked hm about it and he said it was for something (cant remember what) which he didnt want to use his regular email address which has his name in it. showed me the messages and he was telling the truth. same with the messages with his ex, showed me, totally innocent. he used to get a bit frustrated because i would do it so often. this was mostly before i was diagnosed with depression. once i started treatment i was a lot more stable. on the odd occasion since i started taking antidepressants when i was unsure, ive asked him and hes explained and said he understands my issues and has learnt to just talk to me rather than get upset at yet another accusation. he used to say oh god not again! becsause i would pick up on anything and make a big deal out of it
'When i was out with a friend we were having a good time and i wasn't think about the online thing and wasn't checking. I think the distraction was good. I dont have a distraction at home so my mind goes crazy and i have all these stories and explanations in my head. I went out a little while ago to do a hobby and enjoyed it and felt a lot better so i do think i need to address my mh again regardless of what is or isn't happening.

he is on a plane right now so not online and wont be for hours. she's on and offline all the time.

From the information you've given I don't think this is suspicious. I agree with a previous poster that the FB online thing isn't accurate. Try to put it out of your mind, OP.

I'm totally torn on this. There are only two scenarios:

1. You are paranoid and have been for years and keep imagining things because you're depressed and anxious

1. Something is up

I'm a bit suspicious of the whole thing because I've had the "you're depressed and anxious and you know it's just you being silly" thing, and it wasn't me at all.

I think asking him is not a good idea. If he is up to something then he will only say it is you and your anxiety, and will know he needs to be on his guard, therefore it'll be more difficult for you to find anything, and will likely never find anything further at all.

Do you look at whether or not they are online together when he's at home? Or what her activity is when he's at home and not on his phone? If her activity stays the same no matter where he is or what he's doing then this might suggest innocence. If she is on FB less when he's not around, I'd be inclined to be more suspicious.

Is it worth making a note when they're online? Times etc. Then you can compare, or even add up the hours each day and see if there are peaks when he's away and troughs when he's at home.

Also, I noticed with FB friend of mine that when they were on FB playing games a little icon appeared next to their name that indicated they were playing a game.

Thanks. when I'm in a calm and rational mood I ask myself if i really think anything is going on between them and I say to myself, no. There isn't. It's just the silly, too much time on my hands me that winds myself up. When i was typing my first post i was jut about in tears and thinking i was going to throw up.
i'v been out, done something i enjoy and dont feel like the same person who wrote that first message.

It all sounds too fishy to me. Is she reasonably local? Could you drive by one day/evening to see if your husband's car is there? X

seven her internet usage is constant. his isn't. he's online a lot when hes away and sitting in an office. when hes home and doing other stuff hes not online much. he's really busy but will come in for a cuppa or something to eat and check emails and fb but otherwise he doesnt go online much. i don't think hes playing games, never showed an interest in them, never seen him play them and huffs at my candy crush playing. i know she plays the same games as me. she runs a fb group which has members in lots of different countries so i suppose shes on there a lot.

debbs he;s definitely not with her. i think her dh might be a bit surprised to come home from work and see my dh there plus she lives a couple of hours away. dh is abroad. this i know for a fact because i call his hotel directly to speak to him. they haven't seen each other since march i know this for a fact.he goes abroad so often because his job is really specialised so he gets called at short notice to go and troubleshoot and he doesnt get much time at home. in the time he has been home he simply hasnt had the opportunity to see her or even meet her. our time together is so short we spend most of it together apart from the odd hour or so. neither of them have said 'ooh, lets get together' or go out or to one anothers place. if they were having an affair i would think they'd try and see each other more than once or twice a year even if it meant they'd have to have their families with them but no one has suggested meeting.

he is unreachable by any means now and has been for hours (flying) but she's been on and off all that time.

I dont think you have anything to worry about here op. And im a suspicious kinda woman x

I think it is risky asking for peoples opinions on here as their advice can make you more paranoid. Honestly, Facebook status is nothing to base a cheating partner on. Have you checked when he's home if he shows online when you know he's not? That will show how innacurate Facebook status is. Given you have been wrong in the past, I would suspect there is nothing up. Again, when he's home, check his phone for any messages from her to truly put your mind at rest. This really isn't healthy.

That's a very tenuous link. The fact that she stayed with you for a few weeks and both her and her db befriended both on fb is not weird. And if she's constantly on and off Facebook (which isn't accurate in telling you when you're actually on) then chances are that he'll be on at the same time asand her some of the time! My dp is jealous and imagines all sorts and I'm innocent and Fed up.

sunny I know it isn't healthy and i think it's a viscious circle. if i was feeling ok i wouldn't be so paranoid but im feeling vulnerable, maybe reading too much into all this and making myself feel worse.
i don't know if fb shows youre active because youre on fb, or if someone sends you a message that gets delivered does it show youre active even though you might not be using your phone? just because fb is being used to receive a message iyswim.

i felt a lot better earlier. he was flying and not online for hours. she was offline for over an hour. then he messaged me to say he had arrived and she came online within 5 or 10 minutes and i was nearly in tears again. my first thought was he messaged her as soon as he arrived. there are so many reasons why she came online at that time that are not connected to my dh but my brain focuses on them coming online to talk to each other.

cri our dhs arent friends on fb not that i think that means anything. he added me a lot more recently. i think she added dh because dh would have added them both not just her. again that doesnt mean anything and its logical she would add him. she has hundreds and hundreds of friends on fb so i guess she adds a lot of people whereas i wait for people to add me.
i do feel for you because you my know how frustrated my dh feels when i get it into my head that somethings wrong.

What are you relying on to tell you they are on/offline at any given time? Are you confident it’s a reliable source of information? Example...FB Messenger is telling me DP is online/active now...he’s not, he’s asleep on sofa, has been for about 45mins (we totally rock in this house lol) and his phone is in my car. Trust your source before you make any decision

No, as i said above maybe its any activity thats triggering it, not just them both actively being on fb or messenger. earlier in the thread i said that there is nothing, and i mean nothing to suggest that there is anything going on between them which is why im in a bit of a mess. i know it doesnt make sense but ive got myself worked up into a state over it which is more to do with my shaky mh than anything thats actually happening with dh as ive acknowledged several times.
thanks for the biscuit though...

some people also dont 'log out' their app or know how to swipe up . One guy I know seems to have been on FB solid for about 6 years!!

Does your DP use WhatsApp and does your friend have it also? I think this is more reliable and don’t people use this more nowadays? Then again, just because he’s online and her online 10 minutes later doesn’t mean anything! She could (and him too) regularly flick through newsfeed or have lots of messages going on with various people.

I think you will feel better when he is home with you. It’s so easy to let your mind run wild and overthink these things.

Maybe you could ask casually “go on Facebook and see if you can see my new post” or something along those lines. See what his status does.

You need to put this to bed for you mental health.

Gosh it really sounds like you are worrying and paranoid in an obsessive way, rather than anything else. As you said she's always online anyway, so she's bound to be online some of the time that he's online. It's obviously taking over your life a bit. Sorry it's horrible to feel like this, but it really sounds like your mind playing tricks on you.

How you doing @mustangsilly

Have you ever been in a situation before where you have picked up on something and thought that seems odd - but dismissed it and then sometime later you realise you were right and the thing you thought odd was actually the clue -I'm not sure if you get this

Also what are you doing to help with your depression - are you pretty much on your own when DH is away

No offence OP but ask yourself if DH didn't love you why he's still with you? You say yourself you've asked him previously about women he's messaged and he's been open and honest with you. I don't think I'd want to be with someone who was constantly accusing me of cheating. But he stays. He has no issues with you seeing his phone. You control his finances. You know where he is every minute of the day.
Either ask him or invite her around for dinner and see how they behave. But if it isn't her it'll be someone else you'll soon be obsessing over.

Sorry i didnt update for so long. He came home. It didnt help he mentioned her the first day, but it was totally in context with the conversation we were having. it kind of annoys me she likes everything he posts even though he rarely posts. But she likes or comments on all my stuff too so i guess shes just a heavy fb user. we have lots of friends in common and i see her on their posts too.

she's been on and off the whole time. he's been really busy and left his phone laying around for hours at a time out of his sight but near me. same with his computer.

Op you sound like your depression may be getting a bit worse - are you saying that because he has left his phone lying around you think it is all innocent.

Maybe it is maybe it isn't but for now I think you just need to give yourself a breather from it and try and get your health on track if at all possible.

If he understands your depression he will know that the paranoia etc is part of the illness - and he needs to be supportive and minimise his contact with her

On the other hand if he knows you well enough as my x did he can use your depression as a cover and every time you question him he can put it back on you.

Don't blame yourself for being as you are it is part of the illness but maybe time to see what you can do to help your symptoms.

Maybe an honest discussion with your dh

minimise his contact with her

Thats just it. In my better moments I dont believe he has ANY contact with her. apart from them being online at the same time a lot there is nothing else whatsoever to suggest they have any contact at all.

i do think if they were messaging in secret he wouldnt leave his phone or laptop laying around while hes off doing something else i the garage or the garden. he'd have to tell her not to message him unless he tells her its ok to do so in case i look at his phone, which does seem a bit of a stretch, even to me!

my dr surgery has moved and im getting a new dr which im happy about because my dr isnt someone i would want to discuss this with but a new dr could be much nicer and be able to help me get this stupid thing back under control again.

dh doesnt understand depression at all. i think it scares him a bit too because he doesnt understand it really and that its not just a case of being miserable.

I don't think you have enough evidence to confront you partner. That's not to say that your suspicions aren't founded. It's more that I think you'd need more evidence before reaching a conclusion. This is just going to have to involve waiting and quietly observing. It's really not nice but i think it's probably a better option. Meanwhile, try to look after yourself - good sleep, exercise, limit your alcohol and remember the role that hormones can play on your outlook (I can become more anxious when I'm due on). It's perfectly possible that nothing at all is happening. Try to remain upbeat and enjoy your relationship as before. Confide is us here if you're having a low moment or feeling anxious and we will try to reassure you.

greedynan, i dont think i have ANY evidence. theres nothin, absolutely nothing to suggest theres anything going on. i see them come and go online and offline the same time a lot. thats it. he hasnt changed, he doesnt avoid her in conversation but nor does he talk about her a lot. he hasnt seen her since early in the year and i know that for an absolute fact and nor does he suggest we all meet up like meeting with partners is better than not meeting up at all.
hes not secretive with his phone or his computer or himself. it sounds silly even to me.
i dont feel so bad now though, like I'm feeling more rational.

Good. I'm glad to hear that you feel better. You had a little wobble and you came here, talked it thru and it's helped 👍🏽 Xxxx

I know you have mh issues but is there perhaps something in your relationship that's making you feel insecure. I know its not your husband's responsibility as such to deal with your feelings. Does he reassure you, communicate well with you, do you feel loved by him. I would definetly keep an eye on things. He may not see her but could be doing a lot on line.