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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My Mother - aaarrrrrrrgghhhhhhhhh!! I have so many mixed emotions right now.

20 replies

Sparkler1 · 10/04/2007 21:22

I just don't know where to start with this one. It's gone on for so many years now, I really don't know where to start.
Mum is not in the best of health. She had a stroke at a very early age. She has not been able to work for most of her life due to her disability. Dad and her split when I was a teen but she remarried a guy who is not in best of health himself either. So between them they don't really get chance to go out an awful lot. When they do it tends to be with me, my sister or other members of family.
Kids have been off school for easter and I've been quite busy with housework, catching up with friends, dh was off for long weekend so we had days out etc etc.
I spoke to my sister today who tells me that she has spoken to mum today and found out she is feeling very down in the dumps. She does suffer with depression (we go through this every couple of months and have done for many years now) and she has said that she feels that she hasn't seen much of me or dds through the easter hols. I have been round as much as possible but I have my own life to lead as well. I have friends I want to meet with and things I want to do with my own dds. So why do I feel so bad about going out and having fun when I know I haven't invited her along with me?
Mum tends to have a way of making me feel bad in an indirect sort of way. She has no social life of her own and no motivation to make one either. It feels like she depends on me and my sister to do that for her. She doesn't drive so can't get out to most places. If she needs to go out without us it is by bus or taxi.
Oh I don't know, I could go on about this for ages but I'm going to bore you all. Just needed to offload somewhere.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sparkler1 · 10/04/2007 21:34

DH gets cross seeing me upset everytime. I feel like I'm treading egg shells constantly trying to please everyone. I don't want to say too much about how I feel mum's behavious is with fear of upsetting her more. I try to explain to dh that I do this because I care. He tells me that I should tell her how I feel otherwise she will have me feeling like this forever.
I'm just so sick of trying to keep everyone happy except myself.
I could cry right now.

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Original poster
Sparkler1 · 10/04/2007 21:34

behavious = behaviour

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tinkerbellhadpiles · 10/04/2007 21:37

Oh dear, you are having a shitty time at the minute aren't you.

Families, generally, are difficult. You seem to have more on your plate than most. The fact that you are coping so well generally is really impressive.

You can't make your mum better if she has depression, nor will she be happy to be third wheel on your excursions.

Could you find something people her age do and take her a few times to start with, so she has a chance to find other people to whinge with (sorry I mean have fun with)?

Cashncarry · 10/04/2007 21:38

I don't have any advice Sparkler but I don't want you to cry

FWIW - sounds like you're damned if you do something to help your Mum and damned if you don't. It really isn't your fault if she doesn't drive, doesn't have a social life and is in poor health. Maybe you could put (e.g.) one day aside a month regularly to spend with her so that you can then organise the rest of your time to spend as you please?

suejonez · 10/04/2007 21:39

I went through a similar phase when my mum was ill. It was like having a dependent child. I found it a terrible strain and the feeling of guilt if I took a "day off" was huge. In the end I had to explain it to my sister and we arragned between us to cover for each other. So I could take time off knowing that she would cover and vice versa.

Can you do something similar, it's important that your mother doesn;t become your child (IFKWIM), its not healthy for either of you

Original poster
Sparkler1 · 10/04/2007 21:41

Hi tinkerbelle. My sister and I are always trying to suggest things to her but she seems to have every excuse under the sun not to do them. It just annoys me that she is a grown woman and she has to depend on her own children to organise her own social life for her. Other people's parents get on with their own lives don't they??
Sorry, I don't mean to sound uncaring. In fact it's the opposite. DH thinks I've gone running to her every call over the past thirty odd years and now I've taken a stand and thought of myself, maybe she doesn't like it.

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GooseyLoosey · 10/04/2007 21:41

This is kind of the way my mother feels about my grandmother. She feels responsible for ensuring that my grandmother is happy and grandmother is extremely skilled at making her feel guilty and sulks if she does not get enough attention. She too cannot drive and has never attempted to make any friends.

Problem is that no amount of attention would ever be enough and you might find this with your mother too. That being the case, you have nothing to lose by showing her slightly less.

I know that as your mother you will always feel responsible for her to a degree, but you do have a right to your own life, your own friends and your own time with your family. Tell her in advance what you are doing and that you are sorry but you won't be around for a week but you will see her the week after.

Can you and your sister at the very least take it in turns so you can ignore her for a whole week at a time?

Original poster
Sparkler1 · 10/04/2007 21:42

cashncarry - you are a sweetie.

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Original poster
Sparkler1 · 10/04/2007 21:43

My sister and I do the best we can. My sister is a PC and has to work a lot of long shifts at times. She feels that when she gets her days off she has things she wants to do as well ie catch up on sleep, meet friends, do stuff around the house. She too feels bad for not getting round to see everyone.

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Original poster
Sparkler1 · 10/04/2007 21:45

I went back to work in September last year (18 hours a week) after a break from work for seven years to raise my family. When I was off work I had that bit of extra time where I could see her more. Now I'm trying to cram in all the same stuff with 18 hours plus taken out of my week and I just don't have the time to help as much as before. It's bad enough finding time to do everything my own dds and dh at times.

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Cashncarry · 10/04/2007 21:45

S'no problem - really DO have broad shoulders

I think you should have a really good brainstorm about what you want - not your DH or your Mum. Once you've come to a decision as to how you want to handle it, try to let go of any guilt [psychobabble alert!] - what's best for your Mum, your DH and your kids at the end of the day is that you are happy and not at the end of your tether trying to please everyone else, surely?

promater · 10/04/2007 21:47

I have similar mum related pressures and it can be very difficult to make other people understand even those closest to you. You really have to look after your feelings and try and put your mum in perspective - she is very unhappy and that makes her selfish - if you feel brave then you can try to let her know how she is making you feel - but this can be a risk I know (after years of 'protecting' my mum i have no idea how to let her know what she puts me through without feeling even wrse afterwards like I have kicked a kitten)

At least let your partner know that pressurising you to 'deal with' your mum is not helping you - he is trying to be supportive so let him know how he can best support you (men can have a tendancy to try and fix things - but sometimes symapthy is all you really need). hope your offloading has helped as well.

tinkerbellhadpiles · 10/04/2007 21:54

Sparkler - agree that's completely off - you are not her social facilitator whatever her health situation. Personally I'd just agree with your sister, what exactly you will both do (we have a 'one hour a week' agreement with our inlaws) and then do no more. Tell your mum you love her and that you will spend this special time with her but that you don't want to waste that time listening to her moan.

Original poster
Sparkler1 · 10/04/2007 21:59

Thanks for listening to me and for all your advice. I need to sleep on this. Am tired and things seem worse to me right now than they probably are. It may be that I will need to tell her how I feel (I hate it when DH is right ) as it may be the only way round it.
Oh I don't know....................

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Original poster
Sparkler1 · 10/04/2007 22:36

Still not in bed
Just remembered what my sister told me earlier. Apparently mum told her that I always seem so busy but I always seem to have time to meet up with my internet friends but not to see her.

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Original poster
Sparkler1 · 10/04/2007 22:37

(have had a couple of meet ups with some mumsnetters over the past week)

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Original poster
Sparkler1 · 11/04/2007 14:07

Going to pop round this afternoon and see her. Not sure whether or not to bring it up with her.

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meowmix · 11/04/2007 14:11

hang in there - sounds like she's feeling she's missing out on life. But you can't life her life for her so either a) be firm and put your small family first (happy mummy more essential than happy granny to be brutal) or b) keep finding her things to get involved in and eventually she'll either tell you to stop or will get her act together

Cashncarry · 11/04/2007 23:35

Hi Sparkler - how did it go with your Mum today? Hope it was ok if you did bring it up.

If not, maybe you could use the fact that your Mum is making comments to your sister behind your back about your meeting up with so-called internet friends. You could explain to her that the internet is a great way of making friends and maybe she should try it

Original poster
Sparkler1 · 13/04/2007 22:41

Hi cashncarry - sorry just seen your post. I did speak to mum and she denied saying anything to my sis with regards to my internet friends. I was so annoyed. Haven't had chance to speak to my sis as yet.

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