how to talk to DH so that he will listen (drinking related)

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My DH is a heavy drinker, i think he has a problem, he doesn't as he only drinks Lager!!!!

He's doesnt get "drunk" as such, just does gets repetitive and boring and i can't stand talking to him when he's had that little bit too much that has sent him over the edge

We've been together 15 yrs and i think it's getting worse - he drinks everyday - approx 8/10 330ml beers after work, then weekends drinking can comence from 7pm ish till midnight.

I've tried talking to him about, i've tried shouting about and even tried ignoring it, not sure what to do anymore.

When i bring it up, usually because him drinking has either left me at home like some sad woman alone AGAIN as he has popped to the pub for a few or becuase i've got so angry with him drinking again and the impact this has on our lives it has pissed me right off, he gets cross and wont discuss and doesn't think he has a problem or he gives me lip service in that he says all the right things of cutting back, sees how selfish it is and will put me first - this doesn't last!!!!!

I don't know how best to get through to him, to see what effect he has on his family. I've even considered relationship councilling so i can get out everything i feel and he has to listen but i don't think that's what its for.

Anone any advise?

Can you withdraw the equivalent amount of money it costs in a week and show him what it's costing?

Also underneath the drinking is a reason why, that's what needs addressing. I would write him a letter, tell him how you feel the impact it's having etc etc and see what he does. Good luck.

i understand giving the ultimatum, but this will only work when i know i will carry through with it - at present i'm not able.

Besides the emotional side of an ultimatum, where would i go? how do i fund it? I'm a 40 yr old woman with two teenagers, there are no friends i would be happy to descend onto for more than a night and none on his side either. We work together, we run a business, i can't detach that easily.

Don't see why you should leave, he's the drunk. Deal is he gets help and accepts the problem, or he will return from a binge to find the locks changed.

It will be incredibly difficult but the man you married is no longer there. He can reappear - but only if he wants go.

'Wants to '- sorry. Crap site coding with flicky ads.

Did you grow up seeing similar in your childhood home?. Who taught you how to be codependent in relationships and be a saviour and or rescuer.?

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What is in this still for you?.

The 3cs of alcoholism are indeed prescient here:-
You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

You have tried the last two unsurprisingly with no success whatsoever.

You have and are playing out the usual roles associated with such spouses; those of enabler, provoker and adjuster (you are constantly adjusting to his drinking in the marriage). You are likely also to be codependent and that is unhealthy in a relationship as well. Codependency often features heavily where alcoholism is present and your family unit is not a healthy one at all.

You are as caught up in his alcoholism as he is and your recovery from this will only properly start when you leave him. It will not happen any other way and ultimatums are useless particularly if you do not follow through. Such things as well can only be issued once and not repeatedly because they will lose all their power otherwise.

What do you think your children have learnt about relationships from the two of you to date; they have seen and heard far more than either of you care to realise. You have in particular taught them how to be codependent in relationships just as you are re your H now.

The only one who can stop drinking is him and he does not want to do so. Talking to him does not work, he will see that as coercion. He could also well go onto lose absolutely everything around him including his liberty, family and job and still choose to drink afterwards. There are NO guarantees here.

You CANNOT fix this or help him but you can help your own self and that of your kids by going to Al-anon and attending their meetings in person. You will meet people just like you there.

You really do need to get off the merry go around that is alcoholism.

Why have you not considered divorcing him?. Nothing else you have tried has worked and will not either. I think he has put your family unit through more than enough misery over the years and your children have certainly noticed far more than you want or care to realise as well. You have not been able to fully protect your own self, let alone them, from the realities of his alcoholism. What are their attitudes to drink? I sincerely hope that your children do not choose alcoholics as partners themselves in their own adult relationships but they could well be acting out codependent behaviours now or are otherwise super responsible.

You think you are helping him by staying, you are absolutely not. You stay mainly for your own reasons. He is simply dragging you and your children down with him.

His primary relationship is with drink and not you people. It has never been with you people. You all come a very dim and distant second to drink and his thoughts also centre on where the next drink is going to come from. Alcohol is a cruel mistress.

Is your joint business actually making any money, could you buy out his share of it?. Find someone else to take over his share of it or run it?.

What do you want your children to remember about their childhoods; what are their lasting abiding memories here?. Seeing their dad drunk every night can and will affect them. They also see your reactions both spoken and unspoken to his drinking.

If you do choose to stay with him your long term relationship with your children may well be affected. This is because when they leave home (which could well be as soon as they are able) they won't want to come back and see either of you or if they do see you they won't want to see dad. They could well accuse you of putting him before them. Is that what you want for yourself because that scenario is certainly not an unknown one.

I would read this as well:-

Hard as this is to read you need to read this too:-

www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/68440-alcoholism-tragic-three-act-play-there-least-4-characters-1-a.html

You are backtracking from your op. He can't be present in family life if he is drinking ten beers every single night, more on weekends and leaving you at home on your own.

i understand giving the ultimatum,

I'm not a fan of ultimatums. Personally, I think that the best thing would be to separate for a while, for him to have a chance to get himself together and truly change if that is what he wants, and then to consider reconciling after he has a bit of sobriety behind him.

I know how huge that is, how risky and scary. I really think you need to go to Al-Anon. It's free.

I agree that staying with him may cost you your relationship with your children in the long run. My mother staying with my father has had a massive impact on my relationship with her.

OP, tell him to move out because you're not putting up with it anymore. If he wants help, he'll do it, if he doesn't, he'll simply stay and put you through more of the same.

Just listen to what *Attila says.

I was you.

Now my DH is coming to his last day of alcohol rehab. He knows that this is his last chance. I will divorce him if he relapses. I've got my ducks in a row, DDs are fully aware, we are getting support from a group similar to Al-Anon but run through his rehab facility.

Seeing how changed he is after only weeks sober has been good. It's come with a lot of hard work from him addressing a lot of underlying issues - all the reasons why he drinks to excess. And he had all the same excuses that your DH has.

I made him choose and it may not work - but if it doesn't I know what I have to do and I will do it. For the sake of my children. Yours deserve the same. Get support from Al-Anon and start your own recovery.

Bless you OP. You don't want to LTB, you want to help him. I get that. I supported my husband through heroin addiction, depression, currently although he drinks daily it isn't to excess (more so since we don't see certain people any more as he tended to get drunk with them) but I see it as a problem and he doesn't. He is starting counselling for his depression and they have mentioned the alcohol consumption so I am hoping he will soon be in a place where he can consider cutting down, but he has to want to. Me nagging about it won't help.
From the heroin experience, I learned that there is nothing I can say to fix him, only support him and be ready to help when he asks. Addiction is hard, it is part mental health and part being an inconsiderate twat! I can only help with one part of that!

I'm just looking at how i can talk to him so he will listen

He wont. He hasn't.

You need to take action. Actions speak louder than words. He needs to quickly get to his own rock bottom as this is the only place where he might wake up.

Al anon teach "detached love" - you need to emotionally detach and work to focus on your own life.

You need to pull all rugs from under him - money, cooking, cleaning etc. even if you don't physically leave immediately. He needs to feel v uncomfortable. He needs to feel the consequences of his actions.

Anything less is enabling him. AA def of an alcoholic is when drinking impacts the relationships of those around you. Its not about units or frequency. A binge drinker going on benders will still impact, as will a "sipper" - someone who drinks small amounts all the time.

Dont worry about the terminology - I spent years trying to convince my DH that he was an alcoholic - that was just a distraction. I needed to know it myself and do something about it.

Problem drinkers impact your life 24/7/365...they are in only in one of 3 states - drunk, hungover or tensed up white knuckling it, obsessing and preoccupied with when the next drinking spree comes. Even if they only binge drink at weekends - Mon-Thurs they are still emotionally unavailable and grumpy. They are never fully engaged in family life.

I kicked mine out. I had no job at the time and 4 kids. He couldnt believe it as I had screamed and shouted and threatened for years and years.

He sought counselling and gave up drinking for life. I finally took him back - all is good. There is no such thing as cutting back for a problem drinker - its always slippery slope.

My frustration is that I wish I had detached many many years before for his sake as well as mine and our childrens.

Another20 that’s where we are now.**

After having yet another tense few days after telling dh his attitude to alcohol is making me v unhappy and sometimes unbearable due all is quiet.**
This time I’ve actually explained that what he doesn’t want to hear is what he needs to hear.* He doesn’t see an issue at all in coming home from work and having a few beers every night but the time the first ones opened is getting earlier and on weekends consumption is more. It creeps in.*
I see his almost haste to get home if we are out shopping on an evening after work and I know it’s because he wants to have a drink.**
He calls it relaxing and I call it dependent.**
Throughout the course of an evening his manner will change at times,he’s absent minded,and down right ignorant if he goes over a certain amount of pints.**
He doesn’t see it though so when I try and calmly point it out he gets v defensive and then quite awful.**
This time I spoke to his mum which didn’t go down well at all but I told him he would never speak to her the way he speaks to me when I’m trying to tell him it’s making me unhappy and starting to affect family life.**
I’m at a cross roads right now with it and told him the other night that unless he stops being so selfish and disrespectful by not accepting it’s upsetting for me then I’m not supporting him anymore.**
I’ve told him he’s on the slippery slope unless he does something about it now and if he doesn’t then I won’t be joining him.* And I mean it.*
He knows I can independently financially and physically support my family and always have been abled to and I’m not backing down.**
I love him very much but I love my family and self respect and happiness more

My husband has been an alcoholic for more than forty years. I don't know how he is still alive. This week he has drunk 250 units. On a good week it will be 125. It is a progressive disease so your husband will drink more and more. Our only time together when he is sober is walking the dogs very early in the morning and on days when he has to be somewhere. He is not aggressive or violent but I no longer think he is a good husband or father. We used to run a business together but alcohol won. He is an intelligent man so I assume that if he was able to stop he would.

Broke up my marriage OP. Every night after work. I began to dread the 'pssst' sound of the first cap coming off the first bottle of Stella at 5.30. Never completely pissed, but never really present either. The monotony was relentless. Never that hungry for the dinner that I had prepared and me and DD had to watch him clumsily eat it two hours later than we did. Never wanted to go out as didn't want his drinking interfered with, or he would cut things short or be on tenterhooks to get home. Of the handful of times I ranted and raved and he 'had the night off' the resentment would come off him in waves. My DD (I call her 'my' because quite frankly she meant less to him than the beer ) became more and more angry as she got older. She has now left home and won't have anything to do with him. I have also left as I couldn't bear the thought of the rest of my life in groundhog day. It impacts everything - especially as they get older. We were unable to have a physical relationship as he was always mildly pissed and it's difficult to maintain when age comes in to it as well. I grew to hate him and had to go, but I wasted many years before I did. Don't be like me - it won't change. It won't ever change. You can't stop it and you will wear yourself down trying. Sorry.

I grew up with alcoholics - my father, stepfather and my mother (although she was much better functioning, the others were a fucking mess). I vowed I would never ever be with an alcoholic.

A few years into our marriage we were having a really tough time. My husband started going out a lot, drinking very heavily, staying out til the early hours of the morning. I was in very bad health physically and he was suffering badly with depression but wouldn't talk about it. When he was drunk he morphed into another person. He would be so drunk he couldn't stand, would cry, would threaten to hurt himself, it was horrendous. After a few occasions I basically told him, either you stop drinking or I'm done. This wasn't him at all, he was a completely different person and not someone I wanted to be around.

He stopped drinking immediately and got some help with his depression. Now he will had the odd drink occasionally but we've had a case of beer in the house since a party a month ago and it's still half full.

If you feel even remotely like I did, I'd tell him it's either he stops drinking or you're done - but obviously only if you're happy to follow through on that. I would have done it, otherwise I wouldn't have said it.

He has a problem with drink.
You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it.
He is putting drink before you and your family. The dream is dead unless HE decides to change. You can't make him. As the child of an alcoholic it's a bloody miserable and unhealthy way to grow up. You need to put your kids first. He stops drinking and seeks help or leaves. Be prepared to be alone.