Does he need counseling first?

[FritzDonovan]

Sorry for yet another post, but things appear to be coming to a head right now, and any comments from ppl who have been in a similar situation would be very welcome.
Basically, I'm having a crisis of trust ATM because of dh's behavior, initially many years ago, but more recently it has brought up a number of instances in which he behaved in a less than committed manner, and has outright lied about things to me. His main comments are along the lines of it was a long time ago', 'I didn't think it was that bad', and 'I can't remember '. He has already told me I imagine things and remember them differently, but I honestly think I would remember more accurately as it affected me at the time, not him.
Anyway, he's said we need help in the form of counseling, which I would agree with, except I don't see any point going together if he hasn't separately worked through his reasons for feeling entitled to cheat and lie to me. Especially as a while back I asked him 'would you tell things to a counselor if you hadn't already admitted them to me?' and he said no. He changed this after I said that meant there was no point going then. He apparently meant there was nothing to tell, so that's why he wouldn't say. That's not what it sounded like to me though. Am I wrong?
Would it be more beneficial for him to go individually first?

You want him to change but he doesn't see a need to.

This is the rest of your life.

I know exactly why I would prefer to work this out rather than leave. I don't need to see a counselor to understand that.

I don't need a counsellor to tell me I'd rather win the lottery than stick pins in my eyes.

You need the counsellor to get back in contact with your own sense of right and wrong, to take responsibility for yourself, to know how to stop someone from mistreating you.

Right now you don't seem to have an entirely solid grip on reality. You are living in the world of wishful thinking where other people change into your fantasy version of themselves so you don't have to face reality.

He has said that he is confident he won't be doing it again as this past year has been so bad, and will now be speaking to someone on Monday. Doesn't this show he is making an effort? Albeit rather late in the day, after a lot of damage has been done.

I'm also aware that I probably jump to incorrect conclusions over small things that wouldn't have even registered before, so I can see where counselling would be useful for me. I attribute this to his breaking of trust, and consequently me not trusting anything he says about unusual circumstances anymore.

You need the counsellor to get back in contact with your own sense of right and wrong, to take responsibility for yourself, to know how to stop someone from mistreating you.
Good point rabbit, but how do you stop someone from mistreating you? Surely they need to understand what they are doing and how to behave better?

You’re not going to ‘rescue’ this man.
No doubt there’ll be plenty more threads

how do you stop someone from mistreating you? Surely they need to understand what they are doing and how to behave better?

That's why you need counselling. You immediately assumed that you both stay in the same situation, you yourself stay the same and the other person changes to meet your needs. You can't even see alternatives.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

You really do need some individual counselling for yourself.

I can see plenty of alternatives, none of which appeal much, which is why I would like to try and work through this before one of those alternatives is the only remaining option. I'm sure counselling has worked for many ppl, otherwise it wouldn't be suggested with such frequency. I was hoping to hear some of these success stories.
He has expressed remorse over bad behavior and expressed an interest in fixing things. It only seems sensible to try. I would like to believe that ppl can come back from difficult times.
The q was whether individual counselling before joint counselling would be best.

He has expressed remorse over bad behavior and expressed an interest in fixing things

Yet he was still gaslighting you two days ago.

Sorry, I think we're all wasting our time continually replying to your numerous threads about your relationship.

Sigh. Was he though, or was that one of those things I wouldn't have even noticed previously. Lingering laundry detergent smell? Whatever.
I'm just v tired of the ups and downs of feeling better about things then doubting everything because of one unusual occurrence. Very tired.

Counselling can work when people want to change THEMSELVES. And they are willing to put in a lot of time and effort.

It DOESNT work when people want to change someone else.

It DOESNT change someone's " core personality".

You are right when you say this

I was under the impression they would talk through your destructive actions and help you identify motivations behind them, so that you could make better choices in the future

And this is why posters are suggesting that YOU go for counselling alone. So you can work out why you are making the choices you are making and help you if you want to make better choices in future.

There's NO POINT in your husband going because he doesn't want to change. He's happy with his lifestyle, his choices, his actions aren't harming or upsetting him. He's fine with himself just the way he is.

I know this because he's not sought help for himself and not even trained to change. He is reframing things as a relationships issue and if you go to couselling with him he will lie and manipulate and talk about how you are not good enough and not meeting his needs and communicating with him in the way he wants .

It will make you even more frustrated and angry.

YOU are the one who is unhappy and so YOU would benefit from couselling.