Legal advice re keeping my daughter.

[RubaDubMum89]

I wasn't sure where to post this, so I've opted for here in the hopes of getting a few replies.

To cut a very long story short (ish), I'm starting to make plans to leave my partner. We have a DD together who is still an infant.

I take antidepressants. Pre birth I suffered for years with anxiety / panic disorder but took no medication for it and eventually learnt to manage it(ish) with cbt techniques. Post birth I got a bad bout of PND. The antidepressants combat both issues. I now suffer the effects of neither of these disorders due to the meds.

At the moment my partner thinks I am staying. I'm not able to announce my plans to leave for the following reasons:
He says he will take me to court for full custody of DD, if necessary will lie to make sure I never see her again on the basis of being an unfit mother due to depression (even though I am her primary care giver as he works).

He threatened suicide of I leave and take DD.

Says if I leave I only have a week to go - seeing as I am financially dependent on him, only have money from him for household essentials (food, baby milk etc) and the only money I receive is CB which doesn't cover the short fall from the money he gives. I am heavily overdrawn. Leaving in a week is not possible and would leave me unable to take DD as I would be homeless. No friends /family to help.

Says if I leave I owe him thousands as since I was basically agrophobic whilst pregnant due to an increase in anxiety (hormones) I left my job and he's been covering bills etc since then.

What I really want to know is, if I manage to get social housing (a stable home) , will he be able to stop me from seeing my daughter or get full custody of her? For what it's worth, I'd never stop him seeing her, it's unfair to her. Until she hits school age he could have her every weekend if he wanted, when she's school age and I don't see her so much through the week he could happily have EOW.

Advice or experiences from anyone in or who has been in this situation would be great please. DD is my no 1 priority. I've tried to stay for her sake but that's just not possible anymore.

Thank you for all the replies.

I'm laying low at the moment, trying to get things in order whilst he's out at work then I just stay in my room (separate bedrooms) once DD is asleep.
I've had the usual tears etc and inflated promises. As far as he knows, I'm giving us another go. For the time being it'll have to stay like this. If things get worse though I will be contacting women's aid etc so thanks so much for the recommendations. I've made a note of all the numbers etc and stashed them away.

Hi OP, glad you’re getting a plan together.

Just a few thoughts -

Residency isn’t awarded to a non depressed parent. It’s awarded to the primary caregiver, assuming the child’s basic needs can be met.

You won’t “owe him thousands”. He can’t retrospectively demand money from you just because you leave.

Suicide threats are a typical abusive tactic. And if he does kill himself, there’s nob all you could have done about it.

Good luck, it sounds an awful situation.

Residency isn’t awarded to a non depressed parent

This is an important thing to remember. It is also likely that you will be less depressed once you have escaped this awful relationship. Good to see that you are making plans.Stay strong and remember you don't owe him anything, financially or emotionally.

Hi OP it's great you want to get away from your abusive arse of a partner and given the shite he's spouting at you (and it IS shite- my ex said exactly the same as yours and I met loads of women in refuge who had this crap too) I can not stress enough how much you'd benefit from contacting women's aid. Please do. They are amazing people and know so much. They can help you with more or less everything: legal, housing, benefits, emotional support.

You won't be on your own as long as you reach out and get the help and support you deserve and need. Well done for taking this first step of realising you need to get out. You can do the rest. Good luck.

Oh and I've been on anti depressants on and off for 20 years. I have full residency of both my children. During the legal battle with my ex he told a lot of lies and I was investigated by social workers. They found me to be a good and competent mother. And one reason for this was I realised I needed help (medication and counselling) and asked for it. I have always complied with everything. As have you OP it seems. This is fantastic. Not just from the point of view of looking good but for your own sake and your child's. You are in no way in a weaker position for needing to take medication. Don't ever let him make you frightened or feel a failure in any way. You're clearly stronger than he gives you credit for.

He is extremely emotionally abusive.

I really would get advice from Women's Aid about speeding up your housing options.

I really think you should contact women's aid and ask for help to get into a refuge.
Local authorities have agreements around rehousing women and children fleeing DV so if you go into a refuge you may be able to apply for housing in the local authority you want to live in.
He sounds very abusive and genuinely dangerous so this isn't an overreaction.

You do realise they're not just going to take his word for it about your MH? If it's going to be an important issue, such that medical evidence would be needed, they'd get a report from a treating clinician. And no reason to assume even that would be necessary.

Also, owing him for the bills? Haha no.

Thank you for all your advice!
I've spoken to a housing officer this morning, been risk assessed and given band A priority. So, fingers crossed it won't be too long now until this mess is sorted.

Thanks again.

Your doing the right thing for you and your DD.

They all threaten court, my DD's dad used my MH (I have bi-polar) as a stick to beat me with for years.

Two years on I'm free, happily married and have just had baby DS.

Good luck op. He's full of shot about everything and to be honest I doubt he even wants full custody. Who's going to look after the child when he works etc? Not that he'd get it as you're the primary care giver.

Are you thinking of going back to work? You may want to consider child split arrangements if you do and not.just.give him.weekends.

Cric I will be going back to work when everything's settled and DDs slightly older, I've just completed my last year of uni this year after DD was born, and, having gone to college as an adult before that and having to defer my final year of uni due to pregnancy related stuff, there's no way I've spent five years of my life working towards something that I wouldn't use .

However, in all honesty I don't think after a few months he will want regular visits. If he were to have weekends until she was school age, how could he go get legless on a Saturday night? Where would his drinking time and 'time to himself' factor in?

I'm starting to see him for what he truly is, namely, full of shit, empty threats and promises and a deeply deeply ugly person on the inside. I sometimes wonder how I never saw him for what he is over the last 4 years. I must of had horribly Rose tinted glasses on.

Cric I will be going back to work when everything's settled and DDs slightly older, I've just completed my last year of uni this year after DD was born, and, having gone to college as an adult before that and having to defer my final year of uni due to pregnancy related stuff, there's no way I've spent five years of my life working towards something that I wouldn't use .

However, in all honesty I don't think after a few months he will want regular visits. If he were to have weekends until she was school age, how could he go get legless on a Saturday night? Where would his drinking time and 'time to himself' factor in?

I'm starting to see him for what he truly is, namely, full of shit, empty threats and promises and a deeply deeply ugly person on the inside. I sometimes wonder how I never saw him for what he is over the last 4 years. I must of had horribly Rose tinted glasses on.

Just wanted to say well done OP, you're being really strong. Your daughter will thank you for this. Be careful though, this is typically the most dangerous time for an abused woman if he gets an inkling of your plan. Keep us posted

Still waiting for news from the council. I've been advised by a few people IRL now that this could be a dangerous time to leave, given his history of coercive control etc.

I'm in a bit of a sticky situation at the moment, I had my gallbladder removed today (I've been on the list for a while but got moved up and given a date with very short notice as the gall stones were effecting my liver function.... Yellow is not a good look for me!).

So, I had that removed this morning, then no sooner was I home then I had to go back to A and E at a different hospital (I did not have the operation at our local hospital) as one of my wounds was bleeding.... Today is just not my day!

All is fine, my stitches were not burst as I feared, I'm just completely immobile at the moment... I had no idea it would hurt so much! Rather naively! Am relying on 'DP' to help me get about and to help me walk etc. But, he's going out for the day at 8am tomorrow! Have bought some adult nappies, as if today is anything to go by I won't be able to get out of bed in time... Other than that though I think I'm pretty goosed for tomorrow!

What terrible timing for surgery! Fingers crossed for a swift recovery! Wish me luck ladies!

I hope your recovery goes well. Try to look after yourself, and not do too much too soon.

You are so brave & I hope now you are higher on the list you & DD are safe soon.

Stay strong & safe