Can you uninvite someone for Christmas?

[Larainette]

There's a thread about relatives and Xmas in AIBU which has reminded me to get organised about ours.

So for the past 5-10 years (apart from last year) my FIL has come to us for Xmas (he is on his own). DW's only Dsis lives 6 hours away whereas we live only 1 hour away from him.

Last year DW's Dsis came with her family and cooked for him. He then complained she left lots of food behind etc so she was a bit pissed off (fair enough!) and so won't be coming back this year.

So he will just turn up at ours unless we tell him not to. But he talks non-stop about himself and doesn't really interact with the 2dc. If we invite our ndns for xmas dinner (which we've done a few times) then he complains it's too noisy, which is basically because he then doesn't get 100% attention which he seems to need to have. (He has actually left the room when he doesn't get full attention from people and gone off to find other people to talk to!)

DW doesn't really want him here, he is often quite rude to her but feels bad that he will be on his own otherwise. I don't get on well with him, he never says anything too weird but I get the idea he doesn't approve of us (gay and married etc etc). So I know that I'm projecting a little, which probably doesn't help.

Sorry for the rant! Do we just have to suck it up?

You don't have to do anything.

If this is getting too much, no one is really enjoying it, why not break up the routine?

So you could go away yourselves this year! Start looking at Air B&Bs or something. Or go out for lunch and just have home there & then go home. It sounds like you are not the only relatives anyway.

Him there. Typo.

Or invite yourselves round to his, then leave when you want!

No you do not have to suck it up.

Both of you need to reaffirm and raise your boundaries higher and do not let yourselves be at all walked over. Neither of you want him here with you either; he is on his own for Christmas precisely because of his awful behaviours. There's good reason why people like he are on their own. Why should the kids have to tolerate some crap relation at a nice time of the year for them also just because of their parents own FOG (fear, obligation and guilt)?.

Would you tolerate this from a friend, no you would not. Family members are no different. This person can make his own arrangements.

Thanks both, I thought I was in for a flaming. I hadn't thought of going away as we're so used to being at home for xmas but I will definitely suggest it to DW.

I agree, if it doesn't suit you do find a way to change the arrangement , and I think saying you might go out or go away is a gentle way of doing it! You sound like have been patient and kind but he shouldn't assume it's ok to come for evermore if it isn't working well both ways