Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

DP hates me spending time with my family.

48 replies

SerJorahsWhore · 11/10/2017 12:11

I don't understand his thinking. He hates me spending time with my nan or brother, or sometimes cousins. My nan is elderly so often asks me to take her shopping (whether clothes or other) or recently she's asked me to strip her walls for her.
My brother, yeah I'll admit is a bit of a pest, he likes to take advantage of me a bit asking me to babysit his DC overnight almost every week, but I often say no if I CBA, but the truth is, I love my DNs and like having them stay.

My DP hates me doing favours for them BUT my nan has come into some money lately and he has no qualms coming out for meals with us (brother included) or she's paying for us to go on holiday abroad next year and he wants to come (then moans we can't do much as she can't walk far). He's a keen gardener yet refuses to cut her (admittedly largeish) lawn for her (I do it)
She's asked me to take her to b and q today and he's said no because we "might" have to work (have our own business, but looking likely we'll not be working today) I'm sitting upstairs twiddling my thumbs, when I could be taking her out.
Most times I just ignore him and do what I want anyhow, but it causes a huge argument and sometimes it's just not worth the aggro.
For the record, we're not really "together" anymore, but he refuses to move out and I'm not giving up this house (HA) and uprooting the kids. I just don't get him.

OP posts:

BewareOfDragons · 11/10/2017 17:22

Why on earth do you need his approval or permission to see your family? Tell him to fuck off, and if he has a problem with it, then he should focus on finding someplace else to live because you don't want him there.

Shayelle · 11/10/2017 17:27

Get rid of him, hes an arsehole.

Therealjudgejudy · 11/10/2017 17:46

Don't get this....you say you are not together anymore but you let him dictate to you what you can and can't do and you let him take advantage of your nana? What a weird arrangement. Doesn't sound healthy for your kids at all.

ReanimatedSGB · 11/10/2017 18:02

Also, WRT to the 'business' you run together - does he do any work? Can you run it with someone else? How is it set up on paper? You might need a bit of legal advice on how to kick him out of that and make sure he doesn't sabotage it, as well. Entitled parasites like him will often seek ways of punishing the partner who has seen through them and put a stop to their free ride.

Cambionome · 11/10/2017 18:47

Do NOT let him tell you what to do!! You're not even together?? This is absolutely nuts!

Maelstrop · 11/10/2017 19:56

Stop bloody inviting him to go for meals! He is abusive trying to control your movements with your family. Don't take him anywhere, why should your man pay for him when you're not together and he stops you going to help her. I don't understand why you feel sorry for him. He's abusive and won't get out of the house.

knowsmorethansnow · 11/10/2017 22:42

Op ?

Gemini69 · 12/10/2017 00:21

I'm baffled

MinervaSaidThar · 12/10/2017 06:23

What he thinks is irrelevant. He is irrelevant.

Stop inviting him to meals and don't take him on holiday!

You sound like a lovely grand daughter.

Original poster

SerJorahsWhore · 12/10/2017 08:08

How can you be baffled that other people might not be as assertive as others? I find it really hard to put other people out, I guess you could say I'm a people pleaser. I'm very empathetic and hate hurting others (won't even kill a fly or spider). I know he needs to move out but I won't make him homeless. I'm not in any danger, we're living together but apart from work spend our spare time in different rooms. I do my own thing mostly (he might whinge about it but I'd say 80% of the time I do it anyway)
I don't know why he feels he has a right to still dictate to me what I can/can't do. I'm happy to continue to live together for a while until the kids are older (then I can leave once they are gone) I also don't think he realises he is being abusive (he's never hit/hurt me) I know you will all say you know he knows, but at the end of the day I know him. I realise it sound like I'm defending him now but it's not easy to just kick him out. I don't think he deserves the police to be called.

Anyway thanks for the advice and sorry if I'm not ltb tomorrow. I just wanted an insight into what he was thinking.

OP posts:

Joysmum · 12/10/2017 09:39

He ws thinking that he can continue to to treat like like a mug just as he's always done because you continue to let him.

There's a big difference between being split up whilst still sharing a house, and your lives still being so intertwined that you've not actually split up at all and are just in a sexless marriage still.

Hopefully one day the penny will drop and you'll see this for yourself.

GlitterSparkles17 · 12/10/2017 09:43

If your not together anymore you need to stop acting like you are, he has no right to come out for meals with you and your family, he has no right to tell you who you can see and where you can go.

Concentrate on getting him out of the house, get your family round for support and tell him he needs to leave, pack his stuff and get his key off him, this must be so confusing for your kids.

Appuskidu · 12/10/2017 09:44

If you are not together any more-don't invite him on family meals out. Don't invite him on holiday. Tell everyone you have split up. Don't ask him if you can take your nan out, just go?!

I don't really understand either. Don't let yourself be a doormat!

CockacidalManiac · 12/10/2017 09:49

This twat isn’t your problem anymore. His ‘social anxiety’, his tantrums. Not your problem.
Oh, and being a ‘people pleaser’ isn’t a positive thing; it’s not a synonym for ‘being nice’. It means that you’re a doormat, and exploitative people will treat you as such.

sarahjconnor · 12/10/2017 09:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sadie9 · 12/10/2017 09:53

People with social anxiety like this can sometimes have a controlling trait. Because their social lives are so restricted, they only feel 'in control' in a few situations, like their home life. It sounds like you are enabling him to a large extent, as you assist him to avoid all of his feared situations. Like the phone calls etc. So that reduces his anxiety but increases his overall problem. You are keen to reduce his anxiety, not out of caring for him maybe, but because when's he's anxious, he kicks off all over the place.
People with social anxiety also love going out with close family or holidays with close family etc, because it's the only situations they are able to go out and feel normal in. It's their only outlet.
Your DP then doesn't like you to be involved with family, because he doesn't like anything that 'controls' you or takes some of his control of you away. He probably doesn't even like you talking about your family? So he doesn't even like to know that you are spending thoughts on your family.

eyebrowsonfleek · 12/10/2017 09:54

You call him DP in your title and post. Start calling him your ex. Tell your family that you have split up. Haven’t Your kids mentioned it to your family?

If you’re not together, just do what you want. Stop inviting him out on meals and holidays 😵 Why should your nan pay for your ex when he’s too tight to even mow her lawn? For a person with social anxiety, mowing the lawn is a fab get out clause since it’s a noisy and messy activity which means that nobody is going to be talking to you and you have a good reason to leave quickly. You need to teach your kids how healthy boundaries look.

eyebrowsonfleek · 12/10/2017 09:57

Being a people pleaser = a doormatbwhich isn’t good.

Your decision to appease your ex isn’t pleasing your nan. Surely her happiness trumps your ex’s especially as her request is so reasonable.

Original poster

SerJorahsWhore · 12/10/2017 10:00

Sadie9, thank you. That sounds like him to a tee and explains a bit about why, which is what I was after.

Btw the kids don't know of this either, we've drifted apart over years and he sleeps downstairs because "he snores". I guess inviting him out to meals is for the kids' sakes too. Bit of normality. At the end of the day there's just me "suffering" for wont of a better word.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 12/10/2017 10:07

Huh? He’s your ex, why are you inviting him to shit and asking his permission? It’s not his thinking I don’t get, that’s easy, he’s a grabby controlling arsehole, it’s yours I don’t get. Who does that? Who cares if he wants to come on hOliday with you, tell him to do one.

Joysmum · 12/10/2017 10:30

So how is he your ex then? What's different now?

Original poster

SerJorahsWhore · 12/10/2017 11:40

I never actually said he's my ex, we're just kinda living together but no intimacy or anything. It's like living with a room mate -but with arguing. I've asked him to move out and he refused saying I had to (with the kids)

OP posts:

ReanimatedSGB · 12/10/2017 12:28

Then just ignore him. Do whatever you want, don't invite him to anything, treat him as completely irrelevant, because he is. He will either just remain in the background, or he will really show his true colours and become so obnoxious that you will be motivated to throw him out.

Social anxiety, my arse, btw. He's just a selfish manbaby.

Flip

1 2