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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being a Drama Queen?

20 replies

Agnes38 · 11/10/2017 08:42

My DP from the beginning has made it out like he is very introverted when it comes to his life, our life.

We both made it clear we don't like to discuss deep conversations about our relationship to anyone we hardly know (our family are an exception).

Last night he slipped up. I don't remember how we got on to the topic but for a bit of background a month or so ago, we both had a personal discussion about our sex life. I remember calling him a selfish lover. I brought to his attention that I felt he didn't always make an effort in bed.

Anyway last night he said (I'll insert a fake work colleagues name) "Jack still winds me up that I'm a selfish lover". It took me around s second to realise what he was on about and then I realised he has been discussing our personal conversations with people he hardly knows and I hardly know.

I am a very keep myself to myself type person and DP knows that. I thought he was Hmm I also feel he should respect our relationship and not go round telling who knows (his work his very male oriented and news/gossip travels fast).

God knows what else he tells them Sad my core feelings are disappointment and hurt.

I understand EVERYBODY'S relationships are different, some people may see no harm to this, some people may, everyone has different boundaries. Mine from the start were very clear I like my life and my relationship to stay within the four walls (or we can discuss with people within our family circle) so to be honest I feel this is a breech of trust.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 11/10/2017 08:44

It is a breach of trust because you've both been clear that you don't expect each other to discuss your relationship with others

It could be possible that your partner was feeling worried about the conversation and so he confided in his friend though and it is healthy to have other people to confide in so I can see his side of it

Chickenagain · 11/10/2017 08:47

You must feel very hurt and it seems like he
Is almost gloating about his selfishness. Why not invent a couple of friends & tell him they agree with you & think he should get his tiny penis enlarged as the sex is so naff!

Or even “All the girls from Playgroup wonder what I see in you .....”

ShirleyPhallus · 11/10/2017 08:49

Why not invent a couple of friends & tell him they agree with you & think he should get his tiny penis enlarged as the sex is so naff!
Or even “All the girls from Playgroup wonder what I see in you .....”

Worst. Advice. Ever.

Desmondo2016 · 11/10/2017 08:54

I don't think you can expect to control conversations he has with others. If fundamentally he is inappropriate with disclosing personal stuff then you need to consider if it's a character trait you can tolerate or not, but generally speaking I fully expect to be able to discuss anything I want with my friends. His mistake was making the flippant joke/remark to you about it.

Ifailed · 11/10/2017 08:56

it's one thing to have deep conversations about our relationship to anyone we hardly know, it's another to do so with someone who you do know well, and maybe that is what Jack is to your partner?

ColossalKalamari · 11/10/2017 08:57

You must feel very hurt and it seems like he is almost gloating about his selfishness. Why not invent a couple of friends & tell him they agree with you & think he should get his tiny penis enlarged as the sex is so naff!Or even “All the girls from Playgroup wonder what I see in you .....

Or you could be an adult and tall to him about how you feel instead of playing stupid infantile games

Isetan · 11/10/2017 09:08

My Ex would discuss our/my personal issues with his family and that used to piss me off to the point I subconsciously stopped telling him stuff. However, I think in your situation you are essentially giving him your list of your pre approved people who you feel comfortable about knowing his/your business, how does he really feel about the family circle knowing his business?

Where did the conversation go after you called him a selfish lover? Did you discuss it with the ‘family circle’ and if you did, did he know this prior to the discussion?

In the particular example given, he has spoken to someone about a situation that doesn’t show him in a positive light and I don’t fully understand how him communicating that his partner calling him a selfish lover reflects badly on the partner. I understand the desire for privacy but I think the issue here, is you wanting to control the privacy by deciding whose worthy of knowing stuff that effects your partner as well as yourself. Would you object to him discussing it with a counsellor or best friend, or is it the supposedly randomness (random to you) of this particular colleague?

Ellisandra · 11/10/2017 09:14

You're right everyone has different views. I am filled with horror at the idea of discussing my sex life with family, but happily with discreet friends!

But you agreed no talking to friends, so he was wrong to do that. One thing I would consider though, is do you have different ideas about what is "deep" and what is light chit chat?
Some people wouldn't feel it was that deep to say "I need to up my game - been told I only think of myself Confused". Because it's not really personal about you, and it's not negative about you. For some people, I think they wouldn't think they'd broken the rule about "deep". Just a thought!

Chickenagain · 11/10/2017 09:41

If the ‘friend’ is the type to use the information to tease the OPs husband, then I hardly think the discussion they had was deep & meaningful with advice being sought and sounds more like a brag...
Only the OP would know if she said similar it would make him think twice about discussing their personal situation with a workmate. Call me cynical, but ‘accidentally’ divulging that he had discussed it made me think he is a bit of a bully.
I guess it depends on how & why it was brought up.

FinallyHere · 11/10/2017 09:44

In your position, i would be a lot more upset about selfishness in bed, than about what might have been a throwaway comment to a friend, which might not even be connected to your accusation. People who are selfish in bed, it is just possible that they are selfish in other areas, so that the friend might easily have noticed selfishness and extrapolated that he 'is so selfish about xx, i bet you are selfish in bed too'

What are you doing together, to get the selfishness in bed sorted out?

Myheartbelongsto · 11/10/2017 09:46

Yes, you're being a bit of a drama queen.

Original poster
Agnes38 · 11/10/2017 11:21

Thank you all very much for all your responses. Just to answer a few questions... His work pal that taunts him with the selfish lover comment isn't close to him. They are usually at each others throat in work. Just to add this isn't the first time I've heard him throwing our business about. He again slipped up in the past, he was telling a lad he hardly knows VERY VERY personal information about my medical condition, my mum, the lot, he had only been working there a month or so and didn't know this guy from Adam Confused.

The selfishness in the bed was sorted. Yes he can be selfish in other areas of his life.

Chickenagain how do you see this as a brag? (Genuinely interested)

I don't tell my family much, only really serious stuff to be honest.i wouldn't tell them anything like this. I'm talking game changing stuff.

Isetan no best friend or councilor is fine, I know it won't go any further.

I did ask him how the conversation came about and he says all he said (which I am now struggling to believe) is that he literally said I said he's selfish in bed. The original conversation was about the selfishness was quick, straight to the point, we both understood each other and it was sorted. This is why I'm a little confused... The problem was sorted, dealt with, put to bed Confused

OP posts:
Desmondo2016 · 11/10/2017 12:20

In all honesty if he's indiscreet like you describe him to be in not sure you were entirely accurate with your op as you portrayed it that you both had similar views on such things and had agreed you liked to keep things private

Original poster
Agnes38 · 11/10/2017 14:23

Desmondo2016 exactly my point, I think what he's done is portray himself to be a very discreet person (just to agree with me) when he actually isn't.

OP posts:
Chickenagain · 11/10/2017 14:30

It doesn’t see as if it was discussed with his acquaintance, more than a throw away comment and it isn’t really something to be proud of and just rather laddish IYSWIM...

NotTheFordType · 11/10/2017 14:58

I don't understand why the hell he would say that to someone he doesn't even get on with??

They are at each others' throats so why give someone who is usually adversarial a weapon to use against him?

Jack: Your work is crap and your football team are losers
DP: And I'm shit in bed according to the missus

Confused
Original poster
Agnes38 · 11/10/2017 15:14

Yeah I'm confused as well Hmm I've been with this man a year and 6 months or so, so I don't know him fully (I believe it takes years to truly know a person) so I'm still trying to 'suss' him out.

I honestly believe (my gut feeling) that he is a different character at work. I'll find out one day.

I on the other hand am a kind of see what you get person.. I were my heart on my sleeve and I say things (in a polite way) how they are. I do have trust issues I will admit but I am working on them. This type of shit doesn't help though!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Agnes38 · 11/10/2017 15:15

I am a kind of*

OP posts:
swingofthings · 11/10/2017 15:31

My husband is like you, very uncomfortable with the idea of personal things between us/him being shared with friends. I'm the other way around, very comfortable with discussing personal matters with people I trust, whether I'm close to or not, because I don't feel there is anything to feel ashamed about.

So I do speak with my close friends, but don't slip up so that my OH knows what I've been discussing with whom! I think deep inside he knows that I do talk about some things, but he also now appreciate that as he isn't great talking about emotions himself, whereas I have a need to do so, it's better that I let it all out with friends rather than pestering him for yet another talk and as none of my friends have been acting awkward with him, he knows that what I say can't be that bad!

Original poster
Agnes38 · 11/10/2017 16:48

Notthefordtype unless he told someone else and it got back to Jack Shock bearing in mind that place is rife with gossip 😏

Thank you for your input swingofthings

OP posts:
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